Mommy for only a brief moment...

I took the pregnancy test on Friday July 13, 2012 expecting my mind to be put at ease like every other time. Brian and I had decided that we didn't want children, and I had been on the pill. Something wasn't right about my period the week before, and I just wanted to make sure that my body wasn't playing tricks on me like it normally does. It wasn't. I didn't even get the chance to set the test down before the positive showed up. I was terrified. What was I going to do? How was I going to tell Brian? I sat on the swing outside for a long time, just shaking. How was this even possible? I've read stories on here about women who have conceived while on birth control, but I didn't think that I'd be in the same position.

Telling Brian was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. We've been together for almost two years, and I've never been more scared to tell someone that life as they know it would soon end. The selfish "pick-up-and-go" attitude was going to change.

A few days later, I was having some cramping so I went into the ER for an ultrasound. There my little bean was. Due date was March 13th. I fell in love. From that moment on I knew my life would be forever changed.

I had my first OB appointment last Wednesday. July 25th. I saw my little one yet again. Strong heartbeat, growing normally. I was going to be a mommy. Crazy when you think that just two weeks beforehand that I didn't want children at all. And there was this little life form inside of me, growing. Depending on me to take care of him/her. It's a crazy thing to try to explain to someone who hasn't been there before.

I woke up on Friday morning and prepared to get in the shower. Used the washroom and when I looked at the toilet paper, there was a light pink discharge. I looked in the toilet and there was one drop of blood. Immediately began to freak out, and called my OB office. They told me to go to the ER and get checked out. I went to the ER and they did some more blood tests, and an ultrasound. They wouldn't let me look at the screen. Wouldn't tell me if there was a heartbeat. After the ultrasound, I sat in the ER room waiting for three hours, just to hear my LO was okay. They came into the room and told me that there was a strong heartbeat, but they couldn't find a reason for the bleed. Told me to try to stay calm, and that I was on pelvic rest until my next OB appointment.

When I went home I tried to take it easy. Drank lots of water, put my feet up, took a bubble bath, etc. I started to feel some pressure in my pelvic area. I didn't think much of it because they told me the baby was fine. When I used the washroom next there was more blood on the toilet paper. This time it was red. I called my OB office and got the after hours receptionist. They connected me to my OB and he told me to take the weekend off and try to relax until he could see me on Monday morning. Over the weekend, the bleeding stopped. There was never a lot of blood, nothing in my panties, just on the toilet paper. Sunday night I got really queasy while I was using the washroom. I grabbed the trash can and proceeded to evacuate my dinner from my stomach. When I was finished, I wiped and when I looked at the toilet paper there was bright red blood again. I looked in the toilet and another drop of red blood.

Anxious for the morning, I woke my boyfriend up at 9am to take me to the OB. I was praying for a miracle, but deep down I knew. When my OB did the ultrasound I noticed right away that there was no heartbeat. I had lost the baby three days prior. When the bleeding had first started.

I was a mommy for two whole weeks, and then my world came crashing down. I'll never get to feel my LO kick inside my belly. I'll never know if my LO was a boy or a girl. I'll never look into their beautiful green eyes and tell them how much their mommy loves them. I'll never get to hold him/her and rock my sweet baby to sleep.

I feel like this is my defining moment. That life will never be the same again, and I don't know how to deal with it.

If you've read this entire thing, thank you. I'm sure it was long, I've yet to go back and see just how long this ended up.

How is your SO reacting? I'm so sorry   I hope you get your chance again soon

I'm so sorry that you went through that   how is your SO taking it? I do hope things get better for you too

Quoting £egendary Zeppelin:" How is your SO reacting? I'm so sorry   I hope you get your chance again soon"

He's pretty much in a state of shock. He and I process things much differently than the other. He's been my rock all day, and I don't know how I would have gotten through the day without him.

Quoting Sammi C.:" He's pretty much in a state of shock. He and I process things much differently than the other. He's been my rock all day, and I don't know how I would have gotten through the day without him."

Cos I think I remember you mentioning that he wasn't very excited at first...? who knows, maybe in the future you two will realize how much you do want a child & try again. I don't have any sort of advice really but I'm very sorry  

I've been there. Watching an ultrasound for a flicker of a heartbeat that never comes...

<3

It never gets easier. Not after 4 years and counting from my first loss.

I hope that if you ever try, you get a healthy sticky bean <3

Quoting £egendary Zeppelin:" Cos I think I remember you mentioning that he wasn't very excited at first...? who knows, maybe in the ... [snip!] ... you two will realize how much you do want a child & try again. I don't have any sort of advice really but I'm very sorry  "

agreed, sounds like a defining moment, and a turning point for you, OP.
i'm very sorry about your loss. maybe this flicker of life ended, so that another, stronger one, can begin!

I miscarried a set of twins and I know the empty void that's left. You are right to say life has changed as you know it. There is nothing you did or didn't do that caused the miscarry . I say this because of you were saying the baby was depending on you to care for him/her and I remember thinking the same thing and that I somehow failed. We didn't fail ,the baby just couldn't make it. I went on to get pregnant again 4 months later with my son and I worried over every little thing, but I was ready. My advise is to give yourself time to heal mentally, emotionally and physically . You are a mommy still dear, to a precious little angel at least that's how I see it.... I have 3 babies here and 2 little angels as well I couldn't carry them within my body but they are forever in my heart.
If you feel like talking please message me . I'm very sorry for you and your boyfriends loss.

Quoting regina_margot:" agreed, sounds like a defining moment, and a turning point for you, OP. i'm very sorry about your loss. maybe this flicker of life ended, so that another, stronger one, can begin!"

I have felt this loss many times, and the most recent was last x-mas. My husband and I were sooo excited, it was to be our forth little one. However the day before my first OB appointment which was over 2 weeks later, I had lost the baby. My husband was devastated, as was I. It was a very blue x-mas season. But a few months passed, and we started trying again, tracking everything so that we could conceive again. And in April we did. We are expecting our 4th little one for x-mas this year.

I know how hard this is, but allow yourself to heal, and if you decide again, make sure that you are ready physically and emotionally first.