posted 30th Jul '12
Wow, I'm sitting here this morning drinking my coffee and working on, well, work stuff, and I can't believe it's been almost one year since I had to say goodbye to you. It's unreal. One year ago, I woke up a to-be mommy and today I wake up to just myself. Of course daddy is here too, it's been a long journey for the both of us. Couldn't have made it through without him... I just wish you were here with us.
I'm not even sure if I can make my words make sense this morning, because my mind is just all over the place, so I'm going to just write to you, because I know you'll understand me.
You are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. And I truly believe you still hear it. I still hear your heartbeat. I sit here wondering what I would be doing if you were here. I'm guessing I would be spending my morning cuddled up in the rocking chair, nursing you and probably singing to you (sorry!) Daddy would be on his way to work, and you and I would be spending all day together. You would be just about 4 months old.
I know how much happier my life would be with you. But I know that today, you are probably playing with all the other angels in heaven. And I know that you are in a beautiful perfect place.
When you first left us I didn't understand, and I never thought I would be okay again. While I still don't understand, I've come to realize that there are just some things that God puts in our lives that we will never understand. And maybe we're not supposed to. I'm in a good place now, and I never thought I would be. It doesn't go away but it does get easier.
Hope you are having fun up there with all your grandparents. I'm sure you and papa have been fishing a lot. It makes me smile to think about that, I know he would have loved you SO much.
Tomorrow will be a rough day for me as it marks one year since we said bye. To be honest, I've really never said bye. And I'm not sure I will ever be able to, more so a "see ya later". I will be sending you some balloons with a few notes I wrote you when I first found out I was pregnant, so watch for them. Tell Papa to read them to you.
I love you darling girl. Forever you will be my baby and forever will I love you.
"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night." ~Edna St Vincent Millay