posted 18th Jul '12
It's taken five and a half years to be able to open up about my abortion. I figured that somehow over that period of time, I would reach some sort of acceptance, or healing from a spiritual source or otherwise. But, after all this time - I still have scars as big as the Grand Canyon.
October 26, 2006 was the day. A Thursday. After three weeks of emotional torture - my father, mother, and my now mother-in-law had come to the decision that it was best "for everyone involved" to terminate the pregnancy. I was told that if I didn't terminate, I would no longer be welcome in the family, forced to move out, and on my own. No one had asked me what I wanted. No one cared to. I had just turned 17, my husband and I had only been together six months. It seemed that I was fighting an uphill battle, and the biggest heartbreak of all, was that my (now) husband somewhat agreed with them.
I went through the standard protocol; I guess you can call it. Discussing the options, a dating ultrasound, and then the waiting game. I sat in a room with five or six other girls all waiting their fate. One girl, openly talking about this being her 8th abortion. Another sobbing quietly.
I elected for the actual suction procedure. I didn't see myself being able to handle seeing anything on my own, as with the pill. It was a moderately painful procedure – intense cramping, I remember a nurse on my right hand side, stroking my hair while I cried hysterically.
I returned home that day, sat outside and chain-smoked an entire pack of cigarettes. My (now) mother-in-law came by at some point and brought me a card, supposed to make me feel better I suppose. Inside, were the words "This is not a time of mourning; this is a time of celebration! You have your youth back!”... I have never forgiven her.
For the next 10 months, I went into a severe, horrible depression. I barely left the house. I barely spoke to anyone other than family or Alex.
June 10, 2007 was Bean's due date. Every year since - I cry, I hurt unbelievably badly. My baby would have just turned five this past June.
I wish I had the courage to speak up to my parents at that time. I wish I had the strength to tell them that although pro-choice, what they did was everything they're against. I wish that to this day, I didn't feel guilty as all hell that my husband and I have a beautiful daughter born two years after Bean and we're expecting another baby in December.
Dearest Bean, just know not a day goes by that Mommy doesn't think of you and wish you were here.
posted 19th Jul '12
I am sorry you went through this. I had a similar experience in 2008 that I am still struggling to come to terms with. People say 'it will get better with time' etc but for something like this I'm not sure it does for everyone. There is a lot of grief and guilt associated with abortion for many women that I know all too well. Here if you want to talk to someone who has been there.quote