My Story-17 week abortion:(First time speaking
posted 16th Jul '12
This is really the first time I will be speaking properly about my abortion that happened less than a month ago. This is very hard to write, and I am giving my story as hard as it was.
Let me start from the beginning this will be long!___ For the past couple of weeks I had a strange feeling that I could be pregnant, but when I thought about it realistically I just laughed thinking, "there is NOWAY I could be pregnant" and just laughed about it.. I had my period like normal, even though it did last quite a while at some stage.. I had 2 of my friends ask me if I was pregnant- which to be honest I was really offended! I kept thinking how could they think that?? I have always been really thin, I gym alot etc, so I was very offended when they thought that just because I put on some weight.. The first sign I shouldv seen was the weight being put on- I just thought it was eating more, no stress etc.. I even had family ask me, I just shrugged it off just thinking Im getting fat- and no I just want to turn back the clock and listen to them!!!
This year was great, I was out every weekend with friends. I was so happy- going strong with my boyfriend of 4 years..(the father). I decided one day to take a preg test, just to put my mind at ease (still thinking there is no way I could be preg), there was a very faint second line- I shrugged it off again! Thinking now I cannot believe how absolutely stupid I was! A week later I took another test, 100% positive.. I completely freaked out thinking there is noway I could tell my parents or anyone, I would just go to the clinic and get the abortion pill with my boyfriend and I would never have to tell anyone..
The next day at the clinic, I told the nurse I could barely even be a month pregnant, I filled in the forms for the pill, paid the money- then it was time for the scan just to confirm.. The moment I looked at the screen I felt sick to my stomach, almost about to faint- looking at my baby's little legs, arms and head.. The nurse informed me immediately this was no 4 week baby- more like 15 weeks! I started to cry- feeling like I was just in a bad dream.. She said I cant take the pill and I would need to come back two days later for the doctor as it was too far for the nurses to do.. I immediately walked out, got in the car and went straight to my parents.. The tears and dissapointment on their faces when I told them absolutely killed me. The worst feeling in the world seeing your mom crying, but still telling you everything will be ok.. How could I do this to my parents who only supported me and were good to me my whole life. Seeing my brother and father cry still makes me sick to this day. I told them straight away I did not want to keep it- while so shocked in my head these words were even coming out of my mouth. I was absolutely disgusted in myself.
Long story short- I went to three different doctors, all of them saying they would not perform the abortion as it was not right. The third doctor printed me a picture which I still have with me everyday, it was 16 weeks at the time. All he said was, 'send me a postcard when its born alright, the due date is 09 December, you have no reason to get an abortion- the baby is healthy.' At that moment I felt a sudden urge of relief, excitement even- even thinking of a beautiful room I would make and all the clothes etc I would buy for my baby. Deep down I still knew I would have to go for an abortion- I couldn't afford a child and had been accepted to study and move the next year..
I had an appointment for a Thursday in a clinic where they would do it- with no sedative. On Wednesday afternoon my mom called to confirm, only to hear the nurses made a mistake and the doctor would only be there a week later! There was no way I could wait that long. At 8 that night, my mom and I got on a plane and flew many hours away to another town where the clinic would do it the next day - under sedation.
Walking in the clinic that morning with my mom and my aunt I felt sick I was shaking with nerves still so disgusted in what I was doing. I even remember walking to the bathroom after filling in forms trying to throw up, then started laughing thinking, 'I'm going to walk out the clinic right now and go home, cant believe I came all this way there is no way I will go through with this!' Smiling, I walked out the bathroom only to find the nurse waiting for me with a handful of pills ready with water, she put it in my hand and told me I needed to take them now, closing my eyes I swallowed them- feeling numb cant even believing what I was doing. After the scan(17 weeks), seeing my baby for the third time I waited 5 hours till the doctor arrived---I know 17 weeks is far along and shouldn't be done, I have to deal with this everyday- there are reasons why I couldn't keep her Its really unexplainable because no reason are actually good enough why to abort-- words aren't good enough hey... . A girl went in before me, she was only a few weeks, and all I could hear was crying a few minutes later. The nurse walked in the room to call me, I kind of blacked whilst following her to the room. As i walked in the room I met the doctor, a man who was busy opening up clean needles, the nurse told me to get on the bed, looking down into a dustbin just seeing towels with blood. He was smiling chatting to the nurse- all he asked my was how I am and to just lie down. I remember him asking the nurse is shes happy pay day is coming soon.. Whilst injecting me I asked where I work, that's where I cant remember much.As my eyes closed I just said out loud 'I'm so sorry'. I was completely numb and dazed but i could hear everything- just feeling completely high not knowing where I was. I felt a lot of pressure constantly- knowing that a horrible method was being done as I was quite far.
They stood me up straight afterwards and I somehow walked to the recovery room still so unaware of where I was. My mom was there when I woke up and I was crying so hard.. I felt so empty, my bump that I felt everyday was suddenly gone. I know it sounds horrible really i do- but I felt that my child was gone that I loved so much and its all my fault and I was so incredibly selfish.. I stood up a few minutes later, so dazed running to the bathroom to throw up. I wanted to leave as soon as possible I got dressed still feeling so sick..
My flight home was early the next morning- I went back to my aunts house, feeling relieved- but even more so completely disgusted.. I cried and cried the whole night- since that day I still cry every single day.. There isn't 20 minutes that go by where I don't think about what I did, sometimes I'll find myself laughing with a friend for a few minutes then all of a sudden I go absolutely cold thinking how could I sit here and laugh and be happy- I don't deserve this..
I think about my baby all the time, I have the pic with me where ever I go and have countless dreams about what I did.. I don't think any body understand what it feels like unless you have been through the same thing.. It really does change everything- but slowly self healing is needed and I do think that it is very important. Self forgiveness if so important too. I am not there yet, knowing that I will never truly forgive myself, but I know it will slowly get better over time.. Seeing children and babies rips my heart out as I miss my child even more... A week after my abortion I got a tattoo, symbolizing the love for my baby, and that she will be with me forever.. Whenever I hear the song 'Happy birthday' i think of the lyrics -maybe one day we could meet face to face In a place without time and space. I know it may not be real and it sounds horrible but I would just want my child to know how sorry I am.
This was not a decision I took lightly, there are constantly things running through my head, but I really hope less women have to go through this.. I shared my story here because people reading have been through the same thing- hopefully if anybody would like help over time or have any questions I could help sometime and gladly talk, it really does feel a bit better! <3
posted 16th Jul '12
I'm so so sorry hun. I know how much it hurts, reading what you wrote was almost like hearing you voice my own thoughts too. I wasn't as far along as you were, but the regret and pain....it is so overwhelming. I hope you learn to come to terms with your decision with time... and respect what you have done for yourself.
It's such a hard thing to do, but life will go on, and you'll stop crying eventually. You have the love and support of your family, and at least you're not going through this alone. <3