My abortion experience
posted 16th Jul '12
First, I'll apologize for any spelling errors or if something doesn't make sense. Auto correct can be a bitch.
Sometime back in June (I'm not sure exactly when), I remember having this "off" feeling. My period had been a couple days late, however it's not unusual for my cycles to be anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks. I waited a couple more days for good ol' Aunt Flo to show...nothing. I thought to myself if I take a test, comes up negative, I'll stop stressing about it and she'll eventually come. I know you're suppose to test in the morning for the best results, but I had three tests and was too anxious to wait. I figured I'd take one then, and test again in the morning. I remember putting the test on the counter waiting for the results, cleaned myself up, looked in the mirror and being irritated that my supposedly 'non-smudge' eyeliner had given me the lovely raccoon look. As soon as I looked down and saw two pink lines all I could think of to say was "oh". I was a bit taken aback, and thought that there was no way it was positive. It must have been a faulty test, or an evap line. I shrugged it off, went to bed and that was that.
I took the other two tests that next morning, obviously with the same results. Abortion was the first thing that came to my mind. I'm 19, still living with my mom and step dad, working part time, in the process of getting my Associate's Degree, but most importantly not ready to give up my carefree youth. When I'm not working or going to school, my biggest concern is if there's going to be a bonfire or a party that weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love babysitting, but obviously there's a huge difference between babysitting and parenting. I like the option of handing them back over to their parents at the end of the night and going on with my own life.
First thing I did was call SO. He was just as shocked as I was. We had been using condoms consistently and avoided having sex during my ovulation. But we both agreed that we were nowhere near ready to be parents both mentally and financially. After about two and a half weeks of dealing with my insurance to cover it and then eventually applying for medicaid, we had a date set (Saturday July 14th). We had done our best to keep it on the DL because a lot of our friends are pro-life, or only agree with abortion in cases of rape I remember having a conversation a couple months ago with one of my close friends and she even told me that if I were to become pregnant and aborted it, she would never speak to me again. So it was really hard not being able to talk to her the entire three weeks that I knew I was pregnant. I eventually told my Dad. Even though I don't live with him, we're insanely close. It was such a relief that he supported me and my decision 100%. I then told my mom because I was starting to experience morning sickness, sleeping all the time and frequent headaches. I knew she would suspect something. At first she was upset that I was even in this situation, but she totally supported me as well. I then also learned she had had an abortion when she was 20. I can't express the amount of relief I felt that I could connect with my mom on this. We had never really had a conversation about abortion so I didn't know how she felt about it. Up until the 14th, my mom, SO and my dad did everything they could to make sure I was comfortable. Looking back on it now it makes me a bit emotional, knowing that my parents cared so much and that I had a wonderful SO who supported me.
Friday the 13th, SO and I went to his house (he lives with his parents as well) for dinner. I hadn't been feeling good at all that day, my morning sickness had turned into 'all day' sickness. Needless to say, the thought of greasy pizza for dinner made me want to retch. All I wanted to do was lay down in SO's room and sleep and be left alone. I guess that made SO's mom suspicious, and so she pulled SO outside and asked if I was pregnant. He didn't deny it, instead he just simply told her that we had an abortion scheduled the next day. She then claimed she knew all along because she has that sixth sense or some crap to knowing when somebody's pregnant. Which I know is true for some people, but she tends to come off as a know-it-all a lot, so it just irritated me that that's all she had to say in response. SO came into his room to tell me his mom knew, but I didn't really care at that point. I just wanted this damn headache and queasiness to go away. She barges into his room asking if there was anything she could do to change our minds about the next day. She's completely pro-life btw. I didn't feel like I had to explain myself to her at all. I was getting more and more irritated as she rambled on. "I'll help out with diapers", "I'd love to be a grandma", "You're carrying a life inside of you", "Thou shalt not kill". OMG you'll help out with diapers?! Well that just takes care of all the other expenses now doesn't it? You wanna be a grandma? That's cool, I don't want to be a mom. We ended up leaving because we couldn't stand it.
The whole 45 minute drive to the clinic the next morning was actually pretty pleasant. We joked, laughed, talked about some of the new FB drama between our mutual friends and dealt with the insanely slow driving Oregonians When we got there I had to fill out about 4 or 5 sheets of paperwork, then they eventually called me back to talk to a counselor and make sure this is something I wanted to do. After assuring her, we went back to an exam room to have an ultrasound. I wasn't too thrilled about having a cold dildo camera shoved up my vag, but after she pulled it out and printed a picture I asked to see it. I wish I didn't. I felt a twinge of guilt, but it didn't change my mind. I was going to do this. It was so odd seeing something in there, don't know how to explain it. After that she lead me back to the counselor's room to give me my pills and make sure my blood type wasn't negative. I don't remember the names of all the pills, but I know two were Vicodin and one was Valium. Needless to say I was feeling pretty good SO had to help me undress from the waist down because of the effect it had on me. My memory starts to get a bit fuzzy at this point. I remember being led into the OR and they laid me down on the table and helped me put my feet up into the stirrups. The only thing I really remember is a nurse putting a nitrous oxide mask over my nose and telling me to breath deeply. I could feel myself getting higher and higher with each breath, I can't really explain it. It was so intense. I starting crying after that. Not because of the pain, but I felt bad. I wished I'd never had looked at the ultrasound. In fact I hated myself for what I was doing. At one point I wanted to tell them to stop, but I felt so numb and fuzzy everywhere I couldn't speak. I could only cry. I remember SO holding my hand the entire time and rubbing my forehead. I then hear the doctor telling me I did great, and that she was going to insert some gauze into my vagina as some sort of make shift tampon until they could put a pad under me in the recovery room. Which they did as well as give me a heating pad for my tummy. I remember the nurse scolding one of the other girls in there for talking on her cell phone and asked her to put it away. For a moment I was jealous. I wondered why could this girl be laughing and feel at peace when I couldn't. I knew it was the right decision, but why did I feel so damn guilty?
I only stayed in recovery for about 10 minutes. I wanted to be home and in my own bed with my own blankets and pillows. I pretty much slept the entire drive home. My mom must've saw us pull up in the driveway because she was right at my door by the time I woke up. She was hugging and kissing me and asking if there was anything I needed. I don't even remember getting into my bed. I felt rested after sleeping for about 6ish hours. And since then I've barely bled and only experienced mild cramping. I can honestly say I feel rested with my decision, even with the guilt I felt at some times.
If any of you read through that, I give you major props. A lot of it was me rambling. I'd also like to thank the BG ladies who've responded to my previous posts with all the support and advice. It's been much appreciated to hear such kind words, even from total strangers
totally forgot to add: I was 8w 5d