Realizations.....

So I have come to the realization that they are just trying to keep me pregnant long enough to consider her term. Which by many standard is 4 days from now for me. I will be 36 weeks////yes I know 37 weeks. But trust me all I have heard about for the last few weeks is the magic number 36. At 36 things were going to change for me. If she didn't turn then the c section would be scheduled and all the planets would align and things would be fine.

yeah .....no.

Instead now 36 weeks is just another day of disappointment. I know that since there is no hope of me ever going into labor and having a vaginal birth. But now I am but at the whim of the Doctors. They will decide when I have had enough. As if its not evident enough as I have spent the last 4 days in tears. I have in fact had enough.

I know its selfish to want it over with. I feel guilty enough. But i am so tired of fighting. Four years my body and I have been in this fight to live. Four years I have been in and out of doc offices. Only to get the news in October I was in remission. I had a month of bliss and then whamo....you have tumors again. Then whamo....you're pregnant. I was beyond shocked. I had less than a month to feel like a woman again and be givien the gift I thought I would never be able to have again, only to have it over shadowed by everything minus the apocalypse of the earth. Which is ironically scheduled in December so i hear. (joke).

I have been sitting in Scouts room looking at her things. The owls and her name polkadotted I made for her wall. The little clothes in her closet. The smell of her room is all I ever wanted to have again in my home. I am having a baby. And yet I feel my self starting to dread the moment she won't be in me, depending on me for life. Because my body has taken such a toll that I may in fact not be here once she leaves it. And it kills me to think that way. The truth is I want to be excited....I want to relish in the next four weeks and realize that no matter how much life may through at me I am a mother....I got this. I have battled through hell and back and this one thing isn't going to stand in my way of being here on her wedding day. I won't allow it. So with all my heart today i am regrouping and getting back in my mind set that I have a whole lifetime of what ifs to face but there is nothing that is definite. And I of all people should know that..... for I carry one now. She wasn't supposed to be here but look...she is. So take that life. And if she can make it I sure and hell can too.

I am wishing you the best in this difficult time...

I love your fighting passion.

Keep that courage and fight that you have. Everyone can see that you've made it this far and we're all rooting for you to get through this once again. Your children will ALWAYS know they have the most amazing mother that they could ever ask for. Most mothers say, "I would die for my children." but never have to make that choice and never think they will and you can go for the rest of your life proud that you made the right choice to keep your daughter alive and healthy. You are EVERYTHING that a mother should be and I know with enough support and your fighting spirit, you'll come out of this.
Keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. <3

Praying for you mama. You are such a strong and incredible woman! <3

U are such a strong person, I admire u..

you write so beautifully. sending lots of love and prayers your way.

I find myself just looking to see if you've posted again, to see if you are okay and still fighting. You are such a strong, inspirational woman. I still pray everything will all fall into place the right way.

Keep up the good fight my dear. You have so many people who do not even know you thinking about you constantly. I can honestly say you have touched my heart. And not many people do that.

Hugs mama! You can do this.