Numb

Today was supposed to be THE day. The day we found out what our EDD would be. The day we saw our baby's heartbeat. The day we saw our baby for the first time.

But last night I started bleeding. This was the 2nd time I'd had bleeding since we found out we were expecting just two weeks ago. This bleeding was different than before. Bright red, fairly steady, and scary. I tried to calm myself, "There's no cramping, everything will be fine." " We just had sex this morning, that's why I'm bleeding." But when the first tissue passed, I started panicking.

Although I knew the ER wouldn't be able to do much for me, I headed in with my husband's blessing while he stayed home with our two older children who were asleep. When I got there I was shown into a room and given a gown. The lab came in to do blood work including a CBC and quant screen. On June 30, my beta level was 3000 which was good so I prayed that I'd have a higher number this time and this was just a bad dream.

Dr came back and did a pelvic exam. He got a lot more tissue and I was bleeding fairly heavy. Still no cramping though so I tried to stay optimistic though in my heart I think I knew. About an hour after my labs the dr came back. Beta was only 3600. At that time I definitely knew we weren't going to have a happy ending. Since I had my ultrasound scheduled for this morning already, they set me up with a dr appointment this afternoon to discuss the ultrasound results.

Dropped the kids at the sitter's this morning and my husband and I headed to the office. The tech was nice, asked me if I was there for my dating ultrasound and I told her that was the original plan but I was sure I was having a miscarriage. She did the external one first and then the transvaginal ultrasound. I asked if we could see the screen and she told me that typically they don't show the screen during the 1st trimester. During the scan we heard nothing. When it was over, she did show us the screen and said that "unofficially" there was nothing ther but some endometrium and blood. We both knew then that there was no 3rd baby arriving this winter.

How do we tell the kids?! My oldest will be 7 next month, he understands and was excited about having a brother. My youngest will be 4 in Oct and I told her this morning that Mommy had an owie but didn't go into detail. When I called into work this morning I told my boss we thought it was a m/c but now we know. I'd told my team already. We told my mom, MIL, FIL and all of DH's family less than a week ago. I wish we hadn't said anything.

I can't even cry anymore. In the last 12 hours I've cried more than I thought possible. The ER doc wrote me a note for work but I don't have much vacation to cover today and I don't care. I want to run away. I can't stay in this apartment anymore. I don't even want to stay in this town anymore. I doubt we'll try again; I'd wanted to be done having kids by now but circumstances didn't allow us to try earlier. Our kids are finally to the independent stages and we don't have to lug tons of gear with us when we travel. We have our boy and our girl, why tempt fate again?

I needed to get it all out. We haven't even told family yet that we lost the baby. This is going to be a VERY difficult week for us  

I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine how that feels. Guess there's nothing anyone can say to take the pain away but I hope you feel better soon and tell your family ASAP so they can help you through it.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Miscarriages are very common. I think there is some statistic that says a majority of women will experience a loss at some point during their life. There is no harm in trying again if you want more children. I would encourage you to do so if you do want more kids. I hope that you can find peace with your loss.

Quoting bazinga!:" Today was supposed to be THE day. The day we found out what our EDD would be. The day we saw our baby's ... [snip!] ... to get it all out. We haven't even told family yet that we lost the baby. This is going to be a VERY difficult week for us  "

This is my only piece of advice I can give you, and it saved my life when I was in your shoes.


Call your mom, his mom, a sister, someone close, who youre the most comfortable talking to about it............

tell them what happened, then ask THEM to tell everyone. tell them you dont want to keep reliving it, but you want people to know.

Usually, people are hoping to help as much as possible, and this gives them something to do, while giving you and your husband a buffer, to heal and mourn within your own home, in private.

Im sorry for your loss.

I am SO sorry you are going through this! I've had two premature births where my sons didn't survive so I kinda know what you're going through. As far as the people you've told...I know that I was so grateful for the support and prayers of my family and friends while I worked through both my losses. Give yourself some time to grieve, don't try to force yourself into a time frame to 'get over it.' Explain things simply to your kids. Tell them something like, "the baby just wasn't strong enough to come live with us." They need to understand that you will be sad, and that's ok. You still love them and the world hasn't ended (even though you will feel that way once in awhile). Also, give yourself some time before you start thinking about whether or not you should try again. I swore I wouldn't be able to go through another pregnancy after my second loss, but I now have a happy, healthy, 19 month-old and another on the way. You'll know what's right for you once you have a little time.

Im so sorry mama! That's my biggest fear- loosing a baby. I know how much you wanted this. And all I can say is I'm sorry and it's not fair!

Thanks everyone. I did call and tell my dad, but my mom wasn't home. Dad left a note for her to call me when she gets home from work tonight.

MIL is traveling today, but I'm going to have DH call her and his dad later today so the word can be passed around. Work-wise...I'll wait until the topic comes up.

Thank you for the suggestions on how to talk to my kiddos. Hopefully DS will handle it alright, I'm more worried about him than DD.

As far as more kids, right before I got my BFP I said I was done, two was enough. Then I got excited about another baby. We thought this time everything would go right; nobody's deployed, no health issues this time around for baby, we'd both FINALLY be able to experience bringing a healthy newborn home together. I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I sure wish I wasn't being tested so much!

<blockquote><b>Quoting Jae=Devin & Jordyns' Momm:</b>" Im so sorry mama! That's my biggest fear- loosing a baby. I know how much you wanted this. And all I can say is I'm sorry and it's not fair!"</blockquote>




Thanks Jae   <3

I'm so sorry for your loss. I found out today that I lost a baby too  

Everything was fine and I have felt pregnant, but today we found out that it was just that the egg fertilized but nothing occurred past that point. I'm just waiting for the baby to pass now.

We told my husband's older daughter about the pregnancy so I'll have to tell her now about the lack of pregnancy. I've decided that I'm just going to tell her that this baby wasn't meant for this world and that we've got to wait a bit longer until her daddy and I get it right.

I'm just so grateful that I have my beautiful daughter to get me through this and my loving husband that's willing to let me try as many times as possible to get our second. I feel so blessed that my first pregnancy went so well.

I'll keep you in my prayers! We'll both get our beautiful babies one day!

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mariel +1:</b>" I'm so sorry for your loss. I found out today that I lost a baby too   Everything was fine and I have ... [snip!] ... so blessed that my first pregnancy went so well. I'll keep you in my prayers! We'll both get our beautiful babies one day!"</blockquote>




I'm sorry for your loss  

Some friends suggested to me the book Heaven is Real. I'm getting it on Friday when my family comes to visit.

I'm finding that my worst time of the day is at night. I'm not sleeping well and when I DO get to sleep I only sleep 3ish hours  

I wish they'd had me schedule a follow-up. I called today because I had questions and was asked if I had a follow-up scheduled. I'm a little worried I may be starting to get an infection; there's starting to be a smell now, still bleeding heavily at times and was having some pain occasionally. Supposed to get a call tomorrow to find out if they want me to come in.

I hope everything turns out okay!

I think what's hard for me is that everyone that now knows wants to talk to me about it and try to relate. Please, just let me deal with this in my way. I've come to terms with it and I will move past it. I'm trying to be positive and tell myself I get to enjoy my other little girl a lit longer and spoil her a little more. We get to take the trips we were planning again. I get to have a baby when I want it and originally planned.

But back there still looms that picture of my happy little family. I was going to quit working with the second and become a SAHM. I want to badly to be home with my daughter and it was finally happening! But no more.

I'm still waiting to start the process. My body has been painfully cramping for the past two day and a lot of times food makes me feel sick to my stomach. I'm so bloated it hurts and I'm just ready to get through this so I can start putting it behind me.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Mariel +1:</b>" I hope everything turns out okay! I think what's hard for me is that everyone that now knows wants to ... [snip!] ... feel sick to my stomach. I'm so bloated it hurts and I'm just ready to get through this so I can start putting it behind me. "</blockquote>




COMPLETELY agree! I've moved on and am ready to have my life back to"normal". MIL wanted to bring it up again yesterday, BFF wanted to bring it up today. I'm FINE; we've grieved separately and as a couple and we're moving forward with our life and our plans. Callous as it may seem to some people, we KNOW that it was for the best and we'd barely had time to process that we were expecting before we lost it. For us, we think of it now as a blessing in disguise; we couldn't afford another kid plus me being off work for maternity leave would have added more stress.

And now that I've left the FB group I was in for those due around the same time, I'm in a much better emotional state. That, and Xanax, have helped a LOT.