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Sunday night was my 3rd day of bleeding since my miscarriage started. I was over 12 weeks when i found out that everything stopped growing and was told i had a "blighted ovum" (bullsmurf) my first ultrasound showed everything stopped growing at 10weeks my second showed 8weeks. Started getting contractions they went on for 5 hours before they got so unbearable and close together i had to go to the hospital i was screaming in pain. I was not expecting this i knew some people got contrations but i swear this was as painful as labour with my son and daughter. After they called me in from the er i got up from the waiting room and walked through, as i did i passed the sac whole (it was the size of my fist, i thought it would be smaller). They got me into a room contractions had stopped since passing the sac but i kept passing massive clots everytime i would sit up. So i was poked and prodded for a couple more hours, i was so exhausted i felt like i was dying. Then the sadistic smurfs sent to me to maternity ward where i had to listen to newborn babies crying while i tried to sleep.

I was told when the midwife or doctor or gyno i forget what she was came in to see me that she examined everything i lost (it was into bedpans) and everything seemed to be out but she couldn't find the placenta. I said to her "i thought that was the huge clot i lost after the sac" and she told me no that was the baby ... so it wasn't a blighted ovum, the ultrasound i had on thursday was wrong. She told me sometimes they miss things in ultrasounds. I couldn't bring myself to ask her how far along the baby was which i will probably regret but i couldn't handle knowing. That is making this harder to handle knowing i actually lost a baby instead of thinking i only grew a sac. She said the placenta could have been in some of the clots i passed that the er ladies threw out.

I tried to rest and got maybe 1-2 hours of broken sleep. I was stressed aswell because my SO went home after dropping me at the hospital and couldn't handle the kids, they wouldn't go back to sleep for him and my son was screaming at the top of his lungs all night which he never does (SO never has the kids by himself).They gave me some ultrasounds in the morning which showed there is a tiny amount of stuff left over and they wanted to do a d&c i cried to them that i went through all that crap last night so i wouldn't need surgery and i don't want it now. The doctor said it was ok for me to go home and get an ultrasound in a few days to make sure my body gets rid of anything leftover. He also gave me antibiotics to take. The weird thing was the midwife that took care of me and was pretty nice to me the whole time was the same one i had right after giving birth to my son and treated me like crap.

So now i wait to see if i pass everything and avoid needing a d&c. It's weird i was getting pains last night not cramps per say, but they felt like the "after pains" you get after labour. Everything was just so horrible (if i had known it would be like that i would have gone for a d&c when i started bleeding) i NEVER want to go through that again. I don't think i will be able to bring myself to ttc again the pain both physical and emotional of losing a baby is just too much. If i ever got pregnant again i would stress so much about losing it i would drive myself crazy. My daughter keeps talking about the "baby" even though i told her thursday they couldn't find it so there was no baby. I completely understand now why people wait until the first trimester is over to tell people of their pregnancies, it would be easier not having to tell people we lost him/her. I just keep thinking what did i do wrong to make this happen? it sucks that i will never know the answer to that.

Sorry this was so long i doubt anyone will read the entire thing and if you tried thanks. I just needed to get it all out, i want to move on and i don't know how this is going to affect me i just hope god gives me the strength to find peace with it all.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I had my daughter at 34 weeks on Jan 4th 2012 stillborn. Its never easy to loose a child and it will never be easy to say goodbye. Love your children as much as you can. I have no other children and I know you may not have thought about this but you could always name the baby and I know other people do memorial gardens, or you could keep the ultrasound pictures and stuff. Whatever helps to give you closure and allows you to grieve. Other people may not understand but from the first second we get that positive test we become parents. You loved your baby and what you went through was horrible and unfair and so many other things. It's okay to grieve and feel lost. Just let yourself feel whatever comes. <3

Aw mamma, i so sorry. I do feel your pain. My first pregnancy was similar, we got to 16 weeks and no heartbeat. Scan showed baby ? Stopped growing shortly after my 12 week scan. I had NO symptoms whatsoever. They made me go into labour and gave me drugs to end pregnancy. I did see our little girl, it was horrific! I nearly went insane. I soon got pregnant and had a precious baby girl, she is my world 8m now :-) then 3m ago i got pregnant and it was ectopic, had my left tube removed :'( then last week found out im pregnant again :-) im trying to hold on to this one, already been checked and scared as they thought it may be ectopic again. I said to my hubby, no way am i doing this again im about beaten now and cant take all the hearache. I will just be thankful we have Laila, she is amazing! :-) but god do i want this baby too. Xx

Quoting Miranda Mosley:" I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I had my daughter at 34 weeks on Jan 4th 2012 stillborn. Its ... [snip!] ... horrible and unfair and so many other things. It's okay to grieve and feel lost. Just let yourself feel whatever comes. <3"

Thank you! i have kept all the ultrasounds and everything related to this pregnancy even the hpt i took, i was thinking of making a memory box for it all. I thought about naming the baby (a unisex name since we didn't find out the gender) but i'm not sure what my so would say, i don't want to upset him more. I'm so sorry about your daughter i could not imagine loosing a baby at 34 weeks.

Quoting sheena hatch:" Aw mamma, i so sorry. I do feel your pain. My first pregnancy was similar, we got to 16 weeks and no ... [snip!] ... and cant take all the hearache. I will just be thankful we have Laila, she is amazing! :-) but god do i want this baby too. Xx"

I'm sorry for your losses, I'm terrified of going through this again. It's great you had a daughter after your loss and lots of sticky dust to you for your new pregnancy!

Quoting pigeon pair:" I'm sorry for your losses, I'm terrified of going through this again. It's great you had a daughter after your loss and lots of sticky dust to you for your new pregnancy!"

this made me tear up. I am so sorry and I know sorry does nothing for you!. I cant imagine your pain. I cant help to wonder why. it just doesnt make sense. dont be afraid hun! God will help you. I know he will

Aww hun I'm sorry. I still can't believe you didn't get any pain meds. I seen the baby too. I don't think it stopped growing at 6 weeks.. it looked to be an 8 week baby.. it was the size of about halfof my pinky nail. I was also lookingfor or though. Anyways.. your story made me cry... All the pain.. physical and emotional is still so hard. I was fine until yesterday.. I would have been 13 weeks.. the "safe" zone.. not in the clear but theark where the chances are slim to none. It feels like I'm starting the mourning process all over again. And I'm sure I will on my due date also  

Quoting **§~~emily~~§**:" Aww hun I'm sorry. I still can't believe you didn't get any pain meds. I seen the baby too. I don't think ... [snip!] ... are slim to none. It feels like I'm starting the mourning process all over again. And I'm sure I will on my due date also  "

I know what you mean i think sunday (when it happened) i would have been 13 weeks. I also think they were wrong about when it stopped growing because i thought even at 10 weeks the sac would be the size of a small plum , but i had to scrape it out of my undies into a bedpan i didn't look but it felt bigger than my fist.
I regret not asking how far along the baby was ... and now i'm struggling with my baby being in the hospital, they said they were sending it to the lab (i enquired about genetic testing) I know it may sound weird but i want to try and get the baby back so me and SO can bury him/her i keep thinking of them throwing my baby out as "medical waste" and it's making me sick to my stomach. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing it hurts so much  

Also i asked them multiple times to give me something for the pain but they never did. That plus i was so thirsty but they wouldnt even let me have a mouthful of water incase i needed a d&c i went from 3am-9am with cracking lips and my mouth all sticky (the iv fluids didn't get rid of my need for a drink)