Quoting CallMeMoses:" I really have to get this out, and I need support right now. All I have been doing is crying about this ... [snip!] ... I failed. I failed as a parent. If my kid loses muscle in his thigh because of me.......how will I be able to live with that? "
It's NOT your fault.
I allowed myself to be bullied by my Dr for my daughter to get her 2 month shots and she had a reaction. I went against my instinct because my doctor lead me to believe my daughter would surely die without them. Since then, I've learned SO much from documentaries, books, articles, other moms, websites, etc... She has been vaccine-free and healthy since then. It really changed our whole way of living...
You are looking into things now which makes you a great mom in my eyes. I hope everything works out.
ETA: I still struggle with the guilt of vaccinating my first LO and partially my second. I've learned to accept it and move on. There's nothing that I can do about it, just live in the now.