Can't get this off my mind

So maybe talking it out would help.

I had a daughter, my firstborn, who I lost when she was three weeks old, due to birth defects. She died four years ago, this past Monday.

After her death, I never knew how to handle the question "do you have any kids?" I just kind of dealt with it based on the situation. I never wanted to deny that she existed, and she still is my daughter. At the same time, it would depend on why someone were asking. If asking because they want advice on parenting, for example, it would be kind of unnecessary for me to divulge that information, and I hate the "pity stare and voice".

After having my boys, I was even more conflicted about it. Now, the question is "how many kids" and what do I say? Exclude her and feel guilty, or include her and deal with that godawful pity look and tone of voice. So, again, it was situational. It's always been a struggle.

Last night at the grocery store, the cashier mistook me for someone else. She said "you have a little girl, right?" Without thinking for even a second I said "Nope! Two boys."

Then I realized what I said and I just felt sick. Does this mean I'm moving away from including her in our family? Why wouldn't she come to mind when they asked? Why does that make me feel like an absolutely awful person?

I can't shake this feeling that I've betrayed her memory, this guilt that I forgot about including her. I hate this.

I don't think you're wrong in any way, I'm sure it's more painful having to talk about what happened to her. Why should you have to hurt your feelings for a stranger? Anyone who is close to you knows about her, that's all that needs to. *hugs* I'm so sorry you went through that  

I am so sorry to hear this.
I don't think you're moving on and excluding her from your family.
Its just that you are probably used to referring to your earthly children.

Do you think it would help to purchase a neclace, bracelet, or piece of jewelry with her birthstone, so that she is with you? So when you are in that situation again, you might not feel bad if you don't mention her?

Quoting kravenscookiejar:" So maybe talking it out would help. I had a daughter, my firstborn, who I lost when she was three weeks ... [snip!] ... person? I can't shake this feeling that I've betrayed her memory, this guilt that I forgot about including her. I hate this."

i think you are being to hard on yourself about it. :/ i dont know what to tell you to respond with, but i think you should cut yourself some slack. what you went through had to be so painful. im sorry  

I dont think you are excluding her.. You do have 2 boys...

It may not be in the same situation as you, but I placed my youngest son for adoption. And there has been times where people have asked me if my oldest son is my only one.
I say yeah.

It doesnt mean that Im not excluding him, I dont want to get either a pity face, or a disgusted look because I kept him but not my other son.

You are choosing the best way to tell about your kids without having to get pity from other people. I completely understand.

Quoting kravenscookiejar:" So maybe talking it out would help. I had a daughter, my firstborn, who I lost when she was three weeks ... [snip!] ... person? I can't shake this feeling that I've betrayed her memory, this guilt that I forgot about including her. I hate this."

Aww babe. I've done the same thing. I don't think it's bad. I think it's just how we cope.

It's like they are so important and special to us that we don't mention them to most people. But I know the guilt. I've felt the same thing.

Thank you all.

This has helped.

I don't feel like I need to tell other people about her all the time, it was just the "nope" part that bothered me. It was such a cheerful NAH! Just my boys. And god, I can't even describe the feeling when I realized what I'd said.

I could have just crawled in a cold muddy hole.

I have thought many times about getting a necklace with some of her cremains inside. I have a rock that was engraved with her name that I used to carry in my pocket or purse and when people asked me those kinds of questions I would just slip my hand in and hold it, but I fell out of the habit over time.

The only thing stopping me from getting some cremains jewelry is the thought of opening the urn. Hers is a style that is screwed closed (the opening is on the bottom) and even though I know exactly what is in there, the thought of opening it and actually looking at ashes and bone fragments that used to be my child makes me want to cry.

I don't think I can bring myself to do it.

I think it's totally normal. I personally hate that question.   there isn't a right answer and like you said, you don't want those weird looks or awkward silence from strangers. I use to wear a locket with my son's picture in it. I wore it until it broke when my 1st living baby yanked it and the chain snapped. I did end up with a replacement, but ...with 3 boys.... jewelery really isn't an option right now. Not until it's made of reinforced steel or something. lol