Family Members Helping Out

So how much do you think your family should help out when it comes to your life in general... I guess this kind of relays off of the posts about paying for college and cars and stuff, but some stuff happened today that made me kind of go "Eh" at my SO's family.

So the question is, on a wide-range basis, how much do you think your family should help you or you help out your family? Meaning, if a family member needed a kid watched, you'd watch them, or occasional money stuff, or support you emotionally no matter what... take it as you will.

The reason I ask is because my SO busts his balls for his son. He has never made the mother of his child pay child support, and she rarely ever gets him stuff. My SO buys the main bulk of the clothes, video games, school supplies (though his Mom sometimes buys it), doesn't help with medical bills, you get the idea. My SO does it all because he said he would rather his ex "better herself" than pay for everything. But hey, I think he could use some help. That's just me! My SO has him a lot of the time and occasionally he wants to just do some fun stuff with me. My Mom watches him a lot, our kids get along great and my parents always loves watching her grandkids, even if we aren't married. And don't get me wrong, we don't go out often at all.

Well SO's family like, rarely ever helps him if he needs help. He busts his ass to go to school and pay bills and occasionally he needs help and they are like, really against that. If he asks for babysitting help it's like a huge ordeal. His Mom and Dad are usually okay, but his Aunt I guess is really against it most times.

For example, we are going on vacation in a week. We haven't gone on vacation without the kids in 2 (that actually may have been 3 years) years and that was a work trip we just happened to use as a personal trip too. I may be having a hysterectomy soon, I just graduated college so we are going to see my best friend in Vegas. Well his Aunt heard about us going to Vegas and she's all "Well are you taking Wesley?" (SO's son) and he said "No aunt Mary, that's not really a place to take the kids and we are celebrating Jenn graduating." His Aunt said "Well I sure as hell hope you don't expect Wesley to come over here when you are gone, because that's just not an option!" Then Tony said "No, we are figuring it out." But Tony did say to his Mom "Carrie (Wesleys Mom) has one morning where she has to pick up Wesley late, can he stay with you until he picks him up that day? Otherwise he will be staying with her or at camp." And his Aunt chimes in and says "Wait, you made these plans without even confirming that someone can watch your kid? Well that was really stupid!" Just the tone of her voice was really mean.

I just felt like saying... well his sons mom doesnt do smurf to help him financially, barely watches him extra, his family barely helps him with his son, he busts his ass in school and in work.... he deserves a freaking break! My SO has been down and out with his music, with school, I busted my ass in school and deserve a break too, and just seriously... they are always on his freaking ass. I just feel bad for him, his Aunt was on his ass all day. Wesley leaned back in his chair (ya know, leaning on the back legs) and his Aunt was all "What the hell Wesley you know better than that to sit like that! Knock it off!" I was just like... damn, chill out!

His family is REALLY huge and I love most of them despite them getting on his ass all the time, and this was the first time I really saw this side of his Aunt and met a few other people in his family. But hearing how the family gets on his ass I can now kind of understand how he is sometimes when he wanted me to work through college (he was never mean about it though).

But today his Aunt was just freaking mean to him.

So do you think family should help out at all? Especially when it comes to seeing a nephew you haven't seen in awhile... it's not like he is always pawning his child off... we NEVER go out, and his sons mother doesnt freaking help, and he gets crap for it!

SHOULD? No, it's nice if they do but SHOULD? They aren't the ones that made the kid, they aren't obligated to do smurf. And once you're an adult I don't think they SHOULD do anything unless they are the ones that helped make the problem you need help with.

Seriously, you're an adult, you don't "deserve" a child free vacation or "deserve" to have your children watched. I don't get this entitlement attitude most people have. You take care of yourself and that's that. If someone helps, it's nice. But they are in no way obligated to help with anything.

I didn't read it all.... However I will answer my best anyways.
I personally don't ask mine or SO's family for anything, nor do I think they should help me. It would be nice if they did sometimes but I'm not going to go out of my comfort zone and ask anyone for anything. At most, I'll ask my mom to watch DD for 20 minutes while I run to the store. And even then, I've done that three times and she is 5 months old. It's usually us helping out my family, actually. My mom expects a lot from me.

how much should family help out=none. if they want to, sure. but other family members shouldnt be forced to do things. its great when you have a helpful family, but they dont need to be looked down upon because they dont want to help.

that being said, his aunt sounds like a piece of work.

I think it is normal in some familes for family members to WANT to help each other out. That it is what they do, and that no big fuss or martyrdom or "you owe me" BS is part of the deal.

I prefer the idea of all being part of one big family, and that grandparents and such are a part of kids lives and everyone spends time together and helps each other out. For me, family should not just be your partner and your kids. I don't think that once your child is 18 years old (or 16 in my country~) they should suddenly be expected to do everything and alone and you no longer help them. I'm not talking about financially, but we should help each other and support each other. The idea of not being able to rely on your own family is abit scary and sad, i think it comes more from those who have had to think that way because they weren't looked after and have to put up that wall.

I am in no one saying that members outside of the household should be expected to continue doing things for their grown up children that they could do themselves. I am not talking about living in each others pockets either. But people can still help each other out even when living far apart. Kids need to be nurtured properly and know how to look after themselves, but it is healthy for immediate family to be supportive and help out when they can.

This 'everyone for themselves' attitude stinks imo, some people just have no sense of community or caring for others. Life is more enjoyable when you share it with others and people help each other out. I think the push for early independence is partly at fault for this, people have not become confident and comfortable with dependence and inter-dependence first.

All families are different though. Some just do not have that life long nurturing and some parents expect their job is over once their child reaches X many years or is married etc. I think the real problems only come to exist when different family members have different expectations that cannot be resolved.

Quoting Fatty McRunnerPants:" SHOULD? No, it's nice if they do but SHOULD? They aren't the ones that made the kid, they aren't obligated ... [snip!] ... You take care of yourself and that's that. If someone helps, it's nice. But they are in no way obligated to help with anything."

   

My in-laws watch my son when I have to go to the doctor and I can't take him (fertility clinics frown upon bringing your children to appointments because the others there are also suffering from infertility and it may be painful for them). I always understand that this is a big inconvenience for them, so I make sure to let them know ahead of time, make sure they're available, and have a backup plan just in case its not possible for them to watch him---or reschedule if our schedules conflict for some reason.

Other than that, my in-laws have watched him ONE time---they gave me a girls' weekend with my best friend so that I could go to her law-school graduation 6 hours away. I was gone two nights and they had a blast with him.

The only time my mom has watched him was when she asked me to run to the store and grab something that she needed for dinner.

Neither family helps us financially at all. I do not work, so my husband's income is the entirety of our income---he provides fully for his child and me and himself. He goes to college and is a Marine. They once did loan us $600 when our paperwork got screwed up when my husband reinlisted and we didn't get paid for a few days and needed to make a car payment before they got it straightened out and once to buy plane tickets home for a funeral right after we'd bought our house (and just used up our savings for down payment/repairs/etc). That's the only times they give us money at all.

Quoting Fatty McRunnerPants:" Seriously, you're an adult, you don't "deserve" a child free vacation or "deserve" to have your children watched."

I disagree... I think adults/parents do deserve vacations without their kids every so often, especially when they are with their kids all the time. I always have my kiddo, she doesn't see her father at all. I love her to death and we do lots of fun stuff together (the same with SO's son) but we do deserve to have adult time away from our kids as well. Especially when we bust our asses in school and SO busts his ass working without the mother of his child paying a dime in child support. He basically works from 7-4, then is in school from 5-8 everyday. I "worked" with student teaching but technically that was school.

But I don't think it's being entitled when we haven't gone on vacation in years... and as I said the one we did was a work trip for SO we made personal 2 or 3 years ago. Otherwise we go out when Wes is at his Moms house or he asks to go over to my house with my parents and Lily, and that happens *maybe* once every 2 months. Otherwise we go out with our kids. We don't have the time or money to go out otherwise with school and add in my medical issues, I just don't feel like going out half the time.

So yeah, I do take a bit of offense to family when they seem to have a huge problem with spending time with their nephew or grandkid. Or helping out a grandkid do sports fee stuff because my SO doesn't have the money because again, he busts his ass without the mother of his child helping out financially and so my SO is always broke. My grandparents basically "kidnapped' us wanting to spend time with us and do things for us without us even asking. His family is like "Spend time with the kids in the family? DO I HAVE TO?!?" Or if a kid is doing something wrong they bark at them in a completely wrong tone. That wasn't how I was raised. And I wasn't entitled at all... I never grew up asking for things or expecting things to be handed to me, but helping out family in need and spending time with kids in the family were very important ideals of my family and I just can't get past the mindset that other families don't believe that.

Do people who think family should not help out, also think that friends should not help one another?

I believe no one should HAVE to help with anything.


BUT....and this is a big smurfing but.

If you SAY you will help, give, loan or whatever..then do it.
Don't smurfing say "Oh sure" and then forget..or back out at the last second.
If something dire comes up..sure most of us will understand. But don't be a total smurf and take away the ability to find other avenues because you're so busy making big fat promises that you never intended to keep.






Whoa.
Rant. Sorry.

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" Do people who think family should not help out, also think that friends should not help one another?"

They do not and should not HAVE to.

Most of us WANT to help our friends or family. If we can't. We can't.
If someone isn't worth helping. Then they're not worth it.

BUT..no one wants to feel obligated to help anyone.

Quoting Satan:" I believe no one should HAVE to help with anything. BUT....and this is a big smurfing but. If ... [snip!] ... to find other avenues because you're so busy making big fat promises that you never intended to keep. Whoa. Rant. Sorry."

Ugh yes, that crap really sucks. I hate being let down.

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" Do people who think family should not help out, also think that friends should not help one another?"

again, should-no. only if they want to. there is no obligation there.

Quoting Mama*AtoZ:" Ugh yes, that crap really sucks. I hate being let down."

It's not even so much about being let down.

A lot of us do NOT ask for help unless it's a serious situation..yanno?
Like..omg my power bill is OUTRAGEOUS this month and i CANNOT pay the down payment to get on a plan..can you help me out. It's due on THIS day.

And the person you ask says "No problem. What's your account number...don't worry about it. It'll be done before that day."

Day before it's due comes up and Still nothing. So...you ask your mother instead..and she says she has no problem.
Then the first person calls you and says "Just talked to your mom. Told her to nevermind because i'm already paying it for you"

And then you say. "OMG thank you. I didn't mean to doubt you i'm just freaking out."

And they say "I totally understand..it's a total big deal"

Then you check on the due date and WHOA. nothing.
Call them. ..."Oh. I forgot and now i don't have the money. Can you ask them to wait a week?"

Yeah. No.

Thanks smurf.













And again. sorry for the rant.  

Quoting Fatty McRunnerPants:" SHOULD? No, it's nice if they do but SHOULD? They aren't the ones that made the kid, they aren't obligated ... [snip!] ... You take care of yourself and that's that. If someone helps, it's nice. But they are in no way obligated to help with anything."

AMEN!

I am so blessed and thankful that my in-laws have OFFERED to help watch my son for my appointments. We have only ASKED them for help financially one time (they offered for a plane ticket for a funeral once since they knew we couldn't come otherwise). We've been married 7 years and together for 11 years and have always knwo that if we really needed it, they would help us all they could, but have never felt entitled to that help, so we've always scrimped and saved adn done without all but the essentials to get through the rough times.


I've never even had a date night with my husband until the week before he deployed because my SIL gave us a "date night babysitter" coupon for Christmas so that we could go. My son is THREE and we've had one date night because we don't expect our families to do things for us when it is not NEEDED (like truly needed, not "it'd be nice")