It all became clear last night.

*this will be long*
So IDK if anyone has seen, but I've posted about how my husband and I fight a LOT...and how he's done terrible things and other smurf like that...Well last night I came to a realization, that what he has been saying for almost 3 years is true, it really IS MY fault. Now I know what you're thinking "Uh, howso" Well I wrote all this out and I need to let it go.
**I just wanted to remind everyone, that this IS a protected forum, so if you don't have anything helpful or supportive to say, to help me out, you might as well just stop reading from now on.**

We got into a HUGE fight last night...and I mean huge...It was really scary...but it brought things to light that I've been ignoring and pushing away for almost 3 years.
I almost killed myself last night. I chugged a bottle of nyquil cough syrup and was 30 seconds away from taking every single pill in the house...I had them all lined up on the counter until DH came in...
It all started because I was depressed and I thought DH was ignoring me...He had asked me if I was down and I just nodded yes. So I eventually fell asleep. I woke up to DD crying, he had put her in time out because she stuck her hand in the potty toilet with pee in it. Her crying just like set me off. I started yelling at him and fighting with him for no reason...SO he went to go upstairs and lay down, and I just couldn't let him do that for some reason. IDK what came over me. I went upstairs and started pushing him and nudging him, trying to get him to listen to me. I was trying to tell him that I want is for him to listen to me...to try to understand what I'm going through. It got really heated, and he got in his car and left...That's when it got bad. That's when I went upstairs and chugged the nyquil...he had planned on leaving and sleeping in the parking lot of his work so he didn't have to come back and deal with my smurf, but he forgot his work shoes, so he ended up coming back...When he walked in, I was upstairs nowhere to be found...He came up and I was crying and had the pills...That just sent him into a complete rage...I tried telling him "I just need help" but he was just so angry at what he saw he couldn't stop. He ripped the gun off the rack on the wall and took all the bullets and shells out of the two guns and completely ignored me, and went downstairs...When I got down there he was looking up divorce facts...He said I'm not stable enough to take care of his kids. He called me selfish. He said he couldn't believe what he had just seen and that he wasn't going to leave his kids in my watch...He's right...I'm not stable...I AM being selfish.
He said he was going to tell all my family and I begged him not to...because they honestly don't give a smurf. I told my dad when I was 16 that I was depressed and that I had started cutting, and he told me "Oh well get over it, that's stupid smurf"
And that's why I'm who I am today. I grew up watching my parents beat on each other and scream and yell and break things. Every day I live out a scene from my childhood, like it's a movie I just keep playing and playing and playing...I'm my own reason for all my problems. I keep everything up bottled inside. I push DH away because I'm afraid to love him. Everyone I've loved, I've kept smurf bottled up inside, they got fed up, and left me. The moment DH said he was taking the kids and leaving, it was like a tinted window in front of my eyes shattering open to reveal sunlight outside...It made me realize that all this IS my fault. That doesn't mean DH hasn't handled things badly sometimes, but the sole reason for all our problems is ME. I push him away, I'm not affectionate. I'm lazy. I am selfish. I'll ask him for things and get bored with them and sell them away and ask for more things. He works SO smurfing hard every day, and comes home to a house that is a complete mess, comes home to no food on the table for him to eat. I haven't appreciated him as much as I should. I push him away because I'm scared to love him. He is the ONLY person who has stuck with me, and he is the only person who will continue to put up with my smurf. So why am I scared to love him? because all my other boyfriends have lied to me just to get a quick smurf. I never meant anything to anyone, EXCEPT DH. I've been pushing him away for almost 3 years. I need to change ...IDK how, but I need to.We don't have money for therapy and all that smurf..but I can do this for myself. I WILL do this for myself.
He told me, that he's depressed too...But he says the only things in the world that brighten his day, is me and the kids...And he asked me why my kids and him can't do that for me...I just couldn't answer. I broke down in tears. I've let this depression get ahold of me. I've let it take over my life, get in the way of the things most important to me, my family and my husband. I need to be a better person for them, and that starts today. IDK what I'm going to do...I'm going to take things one step at a time I guess. I know I'm a horrible person for all I've put DH and my kids through...and I NEED to change. I need to make it up to them for all I've done.

I'm so sorry. I really wish I knew what to say to try and help but I don't. I'm glad you are okay, physically, though.

Quoting Snotface♫[usmc]:" I'm so sorry. I really wish I knew what to say to try and help but I don't. I'm glad you are okay, physically, though. "

My stomach is burning and my head in bumping from the nyquil, but other than that, yes, I'm fine.

Thank you. <3

Sounds like you just had a break through. Check into local services for therapy, there may be free services available to you or even support groups.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope things get better, glad you are okay. I can be selfish too...mostly because I feel like smurf a lot of the time and DH isn't good at communicating most times so we clash. It's hard. You can do this for yourself, just like you said.

Quoting L☣J:" My stomach is burning and my head in bumping from the nyquil, but other than that, yes, I'm fine. Thank you. <3"

I wish I could hug you <3

Lots of *hugs* to you...

I've been going through something similar, and DH and I both realized we needed help for depression & anger issues. We actually just moved back in together from being separated. I've tried for many years to fight this on my own, but it always creeps back up & bites me in the ass. DH needed major help with anger issues, and we were able to find a therapist for $80 per session (and thats WITHOUT any help from our insurance). We changed our cable plan & have cut back in other areas to ensure that we could afford it. Right now we are going individually, but eventually we will go for marital counciling. Lots of places are willing to work with you on cost if that's an issue.

I really wish you all the best, and even though we don't know eachother, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!

Quoting I Love Dem Baybees!:" I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope things get better, glad you are okay. I ... [snip!] ... time and DH isn't good at communicating most times so we clash. It's hard. You can do this for yourself, just like you said. "

DH isn't good at communicating either. We both aren't. We both keep everything inside til we can't keep it anymore.
We're going to work all this out.  

Because clearly, we've put up with each other's crazy this long, we're meant to be together, LOL.

Quoting *MommaLindz*:" Lots of *hugs* to you... I've been going through something similar, and DH and I both realized we needed ... [snip!] ... that's an issue. I really wish you all the best, and even though we don't know eachother, I'll be keeping you in my thoughts!"

I'm going to spend today trying to find marital counseling places that would work with us.

Thank you!

This will sound silly, but call around to any university or college around you and ask if they have programs for counseling on the cheap by the graduates. Here at one of the local colleges they offer counseling for $25 and do a sliding scale so if income is limited it's even cheaper, it's the students about to graduate who do the counseling. It will get better, when you are angry, you need to learn, and possibly have DH help you with this, stop and think what you are doing. It can be hard to do at first, but I imagine when you are angry, your whole thought process ceases to exist for that moment in time. Mitch has really bad anger issues, not so much anger as if he doesn't get what he thinks he needs he has a huge melt down and even though he's just a child, I can see when he is like that his brain is really not functioning as it should, he isn't thinking what he's doing, he's just letting his actions run so I have to take him out of the equation to a dark room to make him think. Worth a try, ya know?

Quoting CallMeMoses:" This will sound silly, but call around to any university or college around you and ask if they have programs ... [snip!] ... just letting his actions run so I have to take him out of the equation to a dark room to make him think. Worth a try, ya know?"

Thank you! I'm going to be looking everywhere.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I understand a lot of what you said. I'm all depressed, angry, and have tons of relationship problems, and I know a lot of it is because of me. I am very rarely happy  


I hope you can find some help that is affordable. Honestly, I think just talking and letting things out helps SO much.

Quoting Mother of Broccoli.:" I wish I could give you a big hug. I understand a lot of what you said. I'm all depressed, angry, and ... [snip!] ...   I hope you can find some help that is affordable. Honestly, I think just talking and letting things out helps SO much. "

Me too. We need to learn how to communicate. I'll get upset at him for something, but I won't tell him, and that just sets everything off.

Quoting L☣J:" Me too. We need to learn how to communicate. I'll get upset at him for something, but I won't tell him, and that just sets everything off."

Same with me. I get mad at SO over the dumbest things, and it always escalates to huge fights because we don't talk about how we feel.

Quoting L☣J:" DH isn't good at communicating either. We both aren't. We both keep everything inside til we can't keep ... [snip!] ... to work all this out.   Because clearly, we've put up with each other's crazy this long, we're meant to be together, LOL."

It's true. DH and I will be married for 4 years on the 27th and I remind myself this all of the time. If we didn't love each other, this smurf would have ended soon after it started. Good luck hun.