re: It all became clear last night.

Well the good news is with some help you can be an understanding wife, and affectionate person and do all the things you wish you can. Have you looked into counselling? I didn't read all the replies but that would be a fresh start. There, you can learn how to deal with youe emotions, how to let stress out in a healthy way, find the help and someone to listen to you!

It can only get better from here so keep your head up momma.

Don't feel bad that "him or the kids aren't enough for you to be happy" Sometimes are brains just don't function the way they should, There can be chemical imbalances that we have NO control over by ourselves. And it's even harder when you are completely unaware of it.

Stay strong and don't overload yourself with things. Just take one day at a time.

It's not your fault Madison.

You know how i feel about your situation, and the way Jake acts in regards to your...'outbursts' if you will . Is the wrong way.
Absolutely nothing is solely your fault. You both need counseling, I know that wont ever happen. So basically you will live this way forever unless one of you changes something.

When is that going to happen? Never, because he doesn't want you to get help, want you to be healthy. He likes you this way, because he likes the fights to. He eggs you on to escalate smurf. It's sad, and none of this is your fault. He begs and cries and blah blah, to make you stay with him. It's really sad Madison. Sad, because he reacts poorly to your mental health. If he truly cared he would let you get some help.

I dunno. Glad your okay today.

Quoting Puff the Magic Dragon!:" It's not your fault Madison. You know how i feel about your situation, and the way Jake acts in regards ... [snip!] ... he reacts poorly to your mental health. If he truly cared he would let you get some help. I dunno. Glad your okay today."

He wants me to get help, what he doesn't want is for me to be on pills. Which I don't want either.
He eggs me on to get ANY emotion, any reaction out of me...because I'm emotionless. He needs to know there's SOMETHING going on inside my head...He eggs me on because I don't show him I love him.

Quoting L☣J:" He wants me to get help, what he doesn't want is for me to be on pills. Which I don't want either. He ... [snip!] ... emotionless. He needs to know there's SOMETHING going on inside my head...He eggs me on because I don't show him I love him."

But that's not your fault. That's just the way your relationship has evolved.

If there was ...communication which counselors help with. Then he wouldn't feel that way, you could talk it through, and it would be a better household for everyone.

Quoting L☣J:" He wants me to get help, what he doesn't want is for me to be on pills. Which I don't want either. He ... [snip!] ... emotionless. He needs to know there's SOMETHING going on inside my head...He eggs me on because I don't show him I love him."

You could also try a counselor for a bit alone then when you or your psychiatrist thiks is a good time you both could do some sessions together. They can help you guys communicate.

Well, I'll tell you right now you're absolutely wrong about your failing relationship being your fault. There's no argument. You're wrong.
Do you realize how young you are? That the human brain isn't even emotionally developed entirely until about the age of 25? You're both young and don't know how to live with your emotions on a day-to-day basis.
I'm always here to talk, but I feel like my advice is usually futile so I won't say much more. I'm really, really upset that you did what you did last night, and the "what ifs" are making me cry. You could have texted me and I would have told you that I love you and care about you and that you didn't need to do that.
I'm really glad we're able to have this conversation right now.

Quoting [[Breezy]]:" Well, I'll tell you right now you're absolutely wrong about your failing relationship being your fault. ... [snip!] ... you and care about you and that you didn't need to do that. I'm really glad we're able to have this conversation right now."

  I would have but my phone is broken, Leah drowned it...and it was really late, like 3am, I wouldn't have wanted to wake you up  
I'm going to call around tomorrow and see if anywhere can get me into a psychiatrist without a referral, because I don't have a PCP.

I know we're young, but I still feel like it's my fault. Before we got together he was a really easy going person. I've talked to his friends. Ever since I got pregnant and my hormones got out of whack, I've been irritable and pushing him away for almost 3 years. It's not entirely my fault, I see that now, but I'm mostly to blame.

Quoting L☣J:"   I would have but my phone is broken, Leah drowned it...and it was really late, like 3am, I wouldn't ... [snip!] ... been irritable and pushing him away for almost 3 years. It's not entirely my fault, I see that now, but I'm mostly to blame."

Oh yeah I forgot about that.  

I wish there was some way that I could make you understand what I know. I was in an abusive relationship before James, for three years. It was just like your relationship...we were toxic to each other but extremely emotionally co-dependent. Whenever I would act crazy and we would get into horrendous fights, a lot of them physical, I would usually end up blaming myself for instigating things, but the underlying issue that I couldn't see then was that we were not compatible. Did I do some things I shouldn't have done? Of course. I constantly looked through his phone, internet history, etc. and ALWAYS started fights. Then, I'd blame myself. But the thing is is that he was doing things that I was not okay with, being in a committed relationship, but he didn't see anything he did being wrong for being in a committed relationship. We were not compatible. But oh, we just loved each other so much right? No..that's not love. Now, I'm with someone who shares the same set of beliefs about committed, monogamous relationships as I do. This is why our relationship dynamic is vastly different from my previous relationship. We also love each other unconditionally, meaning, not just because either of us "puts up" with the other, or because he deals with my craziness or because I deal with his issues, but because we love one another wholly and completely. To me, he is more important than I am. He comes before me. And to him, I am more important than he is, and I come before him. I wish so badly for you to be treated with the respect that you deserve and to feel LOVE. I've shown you this before and I'll show you again.



Sounds like you're in the honeymoon stage, yes?

Quoting [[Breezy]]:" Oh yeah I forgot about that.   I wish there was some way that I could make you understand what I know. ... [snip!] ... and to feel LOVE. I've shown you this before and I'll show you again. Sounds like you're in the honeymoon stage, yes?"

Yeah that's a pretty good description, but it describes both of us, not just him. That's why I want to go get help.

Quoting [[Breezy]]:" Oh yeah I forgot about that.   I wish there was some way that I could make you understand what I know. ... [snip!] ... and to feel LOVE. I've shown you this before and I'll show you again. Sounds like you're in the honeymoon stage, yes?"

Why are you so smurfing smart??

Quoting Mother of Broccoli.:" Why are you so smurfing smart?? "

Lmfao, she is isn't she.

Quoting Puff the Magic Dragon!:" Lmfao, she is isn't she. "

She always says stuff that makes me think, and is so true!!

Quoting L☣J:" Yeah that's a pretty good description, but it describes both of us, not just him. That's why I want to go get help."

No I totally agree that it's BOTH of you. Both, both, both.

Quoting Mother of Broccoli.:" Why are you so smurfing smart?? "

D'aw shucks.   

Quoting [[Breezy]]:" No I totally agree that it's BOTH of you. Both, both, both."

Okayyyy. I was just making sure I made that I made that clear because I'm no smurfing angel either, lol. I really hope I can get into somewhere quick.