re: If you cheated...

Quoting Monkyn&Coco'sMama (HippyB:“ I don't know...... who am I cheating with?? Is it David Tennant or Sting? (i have a thing for brits) ... [snip!] ... some reason I did, I'd tell. We would get a divorce and I'd be screwed for the rest of my life.....hence why I'd never cheat..”

I'm cheating with Bruce Springsteen, aka "The Boss."

Quoting Cowgirl47429:“ Being honest wouldnt change my guilt. Yeah it would drive me crazy because it would be like lying everyday ... [snip!] ... option to leave if he wants to. I dont think telling them would really make anyone feel less guilty because they still did it.”

Oh no, you'd still feel guilty but you wouldn't have the immense burden of having to keep the secret added to the guilt, which would be some weight off of your shoulders. You'd also hurt someone who didn't do anything to deserve it. Why should he be hurt by your stupid, thoughtless actions?

*disclaimer* When I say you Iamusing it as a general youand I am not attacking you personally. Please don't be offended.

i wouldn't. not if it was a one time thing, in the past and never going to happen again. i wouldn't want to hurt him just for my own selfish reasons of wanting a clear conscious. i would just live with my mistake and deal with feeling bad.

Quoting ♥ Hunter's Mama:“ Oh no, you'd still feel guilty but you wouldn't have the immense burden of having to keep the secret ... [snip!] ... *disclaimer* When I say you Iamusing it as a general youand I am not attacking you personally. Please don't be offended.”

No isssues here its theroretically (sp?) speaking.

I would feel a even bigger weight by having told him then I would by telling him. Telling him is not to hurt him but being a liar is hurting him anyways because it hurts the relationship internally even more then telling him. He should know because its toughtless and stupid to hide it. Is it fair to have someone live a lie? Is it fair to have not only you but who ever you cheated with know that you know something they may never know? Telling him would mean I have to deal with the actions ahead for my past actions causeing more pain for me which I deserve in every way if I cheated. If he left it would be me that has to deal with the fact that I pushed the best man in the world out of my life. If he stayed I have to deal with that I hurt him and he has every right to never trust me again.

Quoting Cowgirl47429:“ No isssues here its theroretically (sp?) speaking. I would feel a even bigger weight by having ... [snip!] ... in the world out of my life. If he stayed I have to deal with that I hurt him and he has every right to never trust me again.”

I don't completely understand what you'rs saying. It could be the way you worded it or it may be that it's bedtime. lol From what I did understand, you think that not telling would hurt the relationship internally but how can he be hurt by something that he doesn't know? You said that he would be hurt because of somehting that he didn't know but that's not possible, speaking from a logical point of view. Logically you can't be hurt by something that you don't know. If the relationship was hurt internally due to your cheating it would still be on you.

I still say that telling him is selfish. The end of your post had a lot of "I's" in it. i.e- I have to deal, I deserve, I, I, I... If you told you would have to deal with the fact that you hurt him, but more importantly he would have to deal with it. Now again, why would you inflict that sort of pain on someone that you "love"?

Quoting ♥ Hunter's Mama:“ I don't completely understand what you'rs saying. It could be the way you worded it or it may be that ... [snip!] ... more importantly he would have to deal with it. Now again, why would you inflict that sort of pain on someone that you "love"?”

Internally you are forcing him to be with a liar and its not just you that knows what you did but the person you cheated with does to. You are right that you would have to hold in that you cheated but you are continuing to be untrue in your relationship by not telling. If it was me then I would feel just as guilty either way and it would probably hurt me more to tell him. He only has to deal with it for the moment but I would have to deal with it for life. It is a intial blow on him but he would atleast know that I can be honest with him and that nothing would be hidden from him. If you can be honest about something so big then he wouldnt have to worry about you telling him all the little things either. If the relationship survies the initial part then it has the potential to be 100 times better afterward. Better for him because he can trust you to be honest atleast. It wont really be better on you because you still have to live with what you did.

He definitely wouldn't just be dealing with it for the moment. He would have to deal with it just as long if not longer than you. I also don't know who you think this guy is that is going to be able to get past it and move on. The truth is, as evolved as we think we are, most people don't deal with cheating well, if at all. I am all for truthfulness but not at the cost of someone else feelings and mental wellbeing. You think that you just tell them and that's where it ends for them? Even if it was a one time thing and you swear up and down that it meant nothing, your partner will still wonder what made you wander. He will run the gamut and wonder all sorts of thing. "Am I bad in bed?" "Did she no longer find me attractive?" "Is our relationship so bad that she felt she had to look outside of it to be fulfilled?" "What did I do to deserve this?" "Why would she hurt me like this?" "How will I ever trust her again?" Do you still think he'd only have to deal with it in that moment? I think knowing about a cheating partner is more damaging to the self esteem and can fully ruin a person's sense of self worth more than you realize.

Quoting ♥ Hunter's Mama:“ I don't completely understand what you'rs saying. It could be the way you worded it or it may be that ... [snip!] ... more importantly he would have to deal with it. Now again, why would you inflict that sort of pain on someone that you "love"?”

telling him IS selfish is most cases. people fess up to that stuff for their own peace of mind. if you're married or seriously committed. ithappened once, you feel horrible, you know you will NEVER fuck up like that again....there is no reason to tell them other than being selfish. i've even heard psychologists and therapists and doctors say sometimes it is actually better to not tell.

Quoting whorebagslutfacemonster:“ telling him IS selfish is most cases. people fess up to that stuff for their own peace of mind. if you're ... [snip!] ... than being selfish. i've even heard psychologists and therapists and doctors say sometimes it is actually better to not tell.”

Thank you! This is what I am saying.

Though I must say, you're name doesn't exactly add a whole lot of credibility to this debate. lol

haha i thought about that after i posted it! i was like no one is going to take me seriously! LoL

Oh well, I think we're the only ones left debating anyhow and I take you seriously. But we have the same POV so that's not really much of a debate. lol

Quoting Erica (MizAmERICA):“ If you cheated on your significant other, he never found out, nobody would ever find out, and you felt ... [snip!] ... cheat because I would have a guilty conscience and beat myself up...plus my husband is soo good to me so I have no reason to!”

thats a hard one, but im a person who hates to be really secretive sp? with my husband or anyone. im not at keeping things to myself anymore.
Knowing that Ive down something so wrong and never telling him would destroy me.
I had a fling when me and D where just engaged( but we had broken up) . i still felt badthat i had sex with a guy who wasnt him so i ultimately told on myself even though i didnt cheat. It was just the friggin guilt was overwhelming

Quoting Sessa's Prayer:“ thats a hard one, but im a person who hates to be really secretive sp? with my husband or anyone. ... [snip!] ... a guy who wasnt him so i ultimately told on myself even though i didnt cheat. It was just the friggin guilt was overwhelming”

Exactly. You felt bad so you told him, knowing that it would hurt him but it would make you feel a a little better.

Sorry, not trying to attack you. Just proving a point.

Quoting ♥ Hunter's Mama:“ Exactly. You felt bad so you told him, knowing that it would hurt him but it would make you feel a a little better. Sorry, not trying to attack you. Just proving a point.”

o i dont think you are. I see why you said that.

I told him because as an engaged couple at the time we got back together, i just wanted to be open with him before he truely committed himself to me again. he hated the guy that would stare a little too long at me. i knew it would hurt him, but i knew if i didnt say anything id be hurting him more w/o him knowing.

trust, i was not going to tell him but he just wanted everything to be out in the open so i was like ok....this happened when we broke up. im sorry. if you dont want to be with me, i understand . if you do, im happy that you can forgive me. id rather tell you then keep it secret from you.

Quoting ♥ Hunter's Mama:“ He definitely wouldn't just be dealing with it for the moment. He would have to deal with it just as ... [snip!] ... a cheating partner is more damaging to the self esteem and can fully ruin a person's sense of self worth more than you realize.”

Sorry hubby came home early YAY! so I had to make dinner and get the kids clothes ready for their baths.

I base it on the fact that I would want to know. Even though it would hurt I would still want to know. I was cheated on (although the relationship didnt mean much cause it was silly child "love) what hurt the most was being lied to and that I didnt know. I would have gotten over it. I actually was over that he cheated before I even confronted him about it. The thing I couldnt get over is that he lied and didnt tell me. I was only 14 and didnt want to have sex which apparently he didnt like so he slept with his ex that always wanted to have sex with him even after they split. Whatever **shrug** I got a great man now and I couldnt be happier.