Heart pulled 2 ways....UPDATE PG 3.

This is a long story but i want another persons thoughts so if your up for it please read...Also no drama.

I met my bf (Kevin) in college and have been with him for going on 5yrs now.It was and isa great relationship.....
During the 2nd year i met Mark. We really liked each other and ended up sleeping together behind my bf back (yes cheated). I didnt feel guilty so i continued to do so untilhe moved. My bf never knew. I figured it was just a phase. I was young and worried about being held down so early. Me and bf were still doing great.So i moved on to another job. There i met Patrick. He was older and the asstinant manager. We had chemistry and i felt the same feelings for him as i did for my previous affair. A curiousity basically. But i managed to convince him and we ended up have a "night" together. It was amazing. I mean phenominal. Our chemistry was unlike anything. So we continued our secret affair. He also had a gf and i was still with mine. Either of our significant others knew or even guessed. I mean, we were happy with ours.o and wedidnt feel at all guilty. I know i didnt and never did. Well this affair lasted all the way up to this previous year...total of 3yrs. It wasnt just sex either, even though it was what we did enjoy. We hung out. Went out to dinner. But only once considered leaving our others for each other. Ileft the job a year in also but we still saw each other.
Well fast forward, i get preggo with Averi (w/ Kevin) and we lose track of each other. I was to preoccupied to care. Then i had Averi and after things got settledI kept thinking about Patrick. I visited him at his work a few times. We talk occasioanlly via email. That was it. Casual.
8 months now after having Averiand i really really really miss Patrick. He's all i think about. I constantly wonderhow my life would be if we just took that step to just be together exclusivly. Im so unhappy. I have little to no feeling for my bf anymore. We're not married and i dont really want to marry him. Im having a hard time finding good in him and the more im with him the less i can tolerate. This just pushes me more and more into Patrick. I've told Patrick my feelings and he's kinda aloof about it. He's still with his gf and I have yet to see him again but im dying to. So im confused and just losing my mind. I feel like im stuck in quick sand.

I know "cheating" is wrong and im a "horrible" person for even doing it. So dont try to tell me that line. I dont feel guilty and i will never tell my bf anythign of that nature. Im young and not married. But i have Averi. I know if i were to leave my bf i would have nothing. I would have to do everything all over again and this time all bymyself and seriously struggle. I also feel he would try to take Averi from me. I just see a lot of bad coming from it in general. But im not happy so why stay in a life were your not happy?

Feel free to ask questions or just comment. Im open for anything at this point.

It is worth the struggle to leave. You dont really love Kevin. Its been too long already I think. You need to leave and be on your own.I think it is cheating to even be thinking about Patrick while you are with Kevin. You owe it to your baby to be happy and live with respect. Respect is not doing what your doing.

WOW thats screwed up!

i don't think its wrong to "explore" other options if ur not married. so u won't hear any critisim coming from.me. if ur arent' happy then i say get out. no sense in dragging u or ur child or ur bf for that matter thru this. if ur staying with him because u don't want to struggle without him WRONG answer. don't do it. u can make it on ur own. a lot of us do it.talk to the bf and see where he is u never know he may be unhappy as well. ask him is there a point to u all staying together. ur not married after 5 yrs. what are u doing it for?

Quoting *July Mommy*:“ WOW thats screwed up!”

She didn't ask if it was 'screwed up'. She's asking for opinions on what to do if she is unhappy. Rude.



OP, Have you tried maybe to bring a spark back into your relationship with Kevin? Patrick just seems like he isn't 100% interested, and it might hurt you worse to try.

Quoting *July Mommy*:“ WOW thats screwed up!”

No drama please. Maturity is greatly respected.  

Headoverheels: Thank you. I keep telling myself this but im more scared to watch this part of my life "fall apart". All i have to do is even tell Kevin that i cheated on him with Patrick and sit back and watch this all be detroyed. He's met Patrick and actually liked him, seeing that i worked with him and that they both like poker. Also my bf has an on going joke that Averi is really Patrick's...only to make me "mad" and as a joke. He has no idea.
Thank you though. I need other peoples voices instead of the ones bickering in my head.

I think the struggle would be worth it if you truly aren't happy. Obviously you know that was wrong to do to Kevin, but always remember you owuldn't want it done to you and how would you feel if he was keeping that from you. My suggestion is to tell KEvin, or just end it...end it before y'all get bitter towards each other because y'all have a child together.

if you dont love him leave him and dont give me your shit!!

Quoting DivaAveri:“ No drama please. Maturity is greatly respected.   Headoverheels: Thank you. I keep telling myself ... [snip!] ... "mad" and as a joke. He has no idea. Thank you though. I need other peoples voices instead of the ones bickering in my head.”

I had to leave a really tough situation a few years back (but no baby involved). It was so scary and i was so uncertain of my future. Turns out it was the best thing I ever did. I cannot be with someone just for security, etc. like many women can. You sound like that as well. It was pure torture being with someone I didnt love. It is also okay to say I love you but Im not in love with you and I want to be happy and I want to set you free to be happy.

Quoting *July Mommy*:“ if you dont love him leave him and dont give me your shit!!”

Grow up.

Quoting HeadoverHeels:“ I had to leave a really tough situation a few years back (but no baby involved). It was so scary and ... [snip!] ... It is also okay to say I love you but Im not in love with you and I want to be happy and I want to set you free to be happy.”

Aw. That was really sweet...

Quoting Gerbil Antichrist:“ She didn't ask if it was 'screwed up'. She's asking for opinions on what to do if she is unhappy. ... [snip!] ... back into your relationship with Kevin? Patrick just seems like he isn't 100% interested, and it might hurt you worse to try.”

I agree with what this person said. Patrick doesn't seem to be committed to the idea of you two giving it another go and I wouldn't risk everything with your family on a guy that wasn't yearning to be with you no matter what. It's worth trying to bring something back with Kevin before you give it up. If it's not there, it's not there. But if it is, I'd hate to see you give it up before realizing it. If you want to walk away, it's better to do it while Averi is young and has little memory of the events that will take place. But I would try to keep everything as calm and collected as possible so as to keep some sort of norm in her life.

PS you are 100% certain Averi is Kevin's??? Not even the slightest chance? Sorry Lisa, just had to ask!

Quoting [Tink] Antichrist:“ Grow up.”

Amen.

Quoting HeadoverHeels:“ It is worth the struggle to leave. You dont really love Kevin. Its been too long already I think. You ... [snip!] ... while you are with Kevin. You owe it to your baby to be happy and live with respect. Respect is not doing what your doing.”

Amen sister!

It sounds like you may be "in love" with the idea of being in love. You say you're young, so if I speak from my own experiences, I too jumped from guy to guy because it gave me a feeling of security when I was younger. Unfortunately, those initial feelings of infatuation wear off and you're left with the boyfriend, all their flaws, and personality quirks, etc. which you may not really like after all. If its true love, you stick it out through those things. If not, then you know its just infatuation. And jumping into a new situation with another guy to simply fulfil those feelings of security is dangerous for your own emotions...trust me, I have been there. Just some thoughts.