A look into my sex addiction (long)

Starting at a young age, sex was introduced to me as a method for gaining control and intimidation. It wasn't taught to me for what it was, an intimate, sensual way to show another the love and care you have for them.
At 12 years old I began 'dating' a guy named Randy. We were off, we were on, then off again, it was what I believed to be a never ending cycle. What I was 15 I game him my virginity, not because I was ready or wanting to, but because I wanted to 'make' him stay. Shortly after he left for the Army. I wrote letters to him daily and mailed them out weekly. I felt like he was officially mine because we had this connection that no one else could have with him, we took each others virginity. A week before thanksgiving he broke up with me because he 'was not ready for something so serious'. He shortly after confessed the real reason he left me, he had cheated on me and fell for her. I believed he fell for her because he didn't have to try so hard to get her virginity as he did for me.
During an off in my relationship with Randy, I had my first no strings attached hook up. It consisted of only making out. There wasn't any room in the car so we had to go in the trunk. I'm quite foggy on the details as to how it happened but we began making out. Shortly after I found out he had a girlfriend, but we still carried on a friendship for a few months. He broke up with his girlfriend and that same day asked me to be his girlfriend. It showed me that physical affection will lead to a guy falling for me. After a month he broke up with me for another gal. It didn't last very long, and shortly after we were making out again at a car wash, then he was mine again. Again showing me that physical affection will get me the guy I wanted. I dumped him after a while for Randy.
After my breakup with Randy I began dating a guy named Matthew. I cared for him a lot, he was my night in shining armor after Randy. He continuously pushed sex but I refused it, I wanted this time to be perfect and the complete opposite of how it happened with Randy. One day we went to a party together. The last I remember from that night was having a drink and laughing with friends. The following morning I woke up in his car, alone and naked. My vagina was hurting, bruises were up and down my thighs and arms. There was blood on my inner thighs from my vagina. I immediately knew what had happened. I was raped by my boyfriend.
My first smurftationship was with a guy from my school We began talking on myspace and I began to have a crush on him. We hung out one day at school and we began making out and one thing led to another. I really didn't wanna have sex with him but not only did I lose the value of no, I also knew this guy was a lot more experienced than my other no strings attached hook up so I would have to do more to get him to fall for me. But he didn't. I was nothing more than a booty call to him and strangely I was fine with that, I learned to enjoy the thrill, I enjoyed the affection even if it didn't last very long.
Then I met my ex husband. I slept with him the first night. Unlike the others, he stayed and fell for me. We were having sex anywhere between five and ten times a day. We got married 4 months into our relationship and shortly after found out we were expecting a baby. 6 months after that we moved from Hawaii to California. Soon after moving, the emotional abuse began. He used his words as rocks and threw them at me as hard as he possibly could. I was so emotionally damaged I lost all value and worth of myself. After giving birth, our relationship took a different route. He stopped respecting the value of no, he began cheating, and began the physical abuse.
We ended the marriage and I was having guys back to back. You would think that after all these experiences I would learn to fear sex, but it didn't. All it taught me was to leave by morning, to leave a long lasting 'impression'. I really didn't want to have sex most of those times, I wanted to have respect for myself and my body, but not only did I enjoy it but I felt almost as if I had to.
And I guess that leads me to where I am now. The number of guys I have been with is in the double digits, I've lost count after 23. I sleep with guys within the first 30 minutes of meeting them. I start sexting within the first day of getting a guys number. I play games of 'who can I have sex with tonight?' I am a hormonal wreck. I have officially accepted that I have an addiction. I lack self control. I use sex as a form of control, control over the guy as well as control over my life because I never had that control. I don't know the value of no, so I never used it. I don't love myself and feel as if I need that physical attention from a guy in order for me to learn to have that love. I believe sex isn't as big of a deal as it is made out to be, that it's just sex, two people trying to achieve an orgasm. But I now realize that sex won't make a guy fall in love with me. No could have a lot more value than I think if I learn to use it. I can learn to love myself as well as respecting myself and my body. But most importantly, I can teach myself the real reason for sex. Sex is a beautiful act of love, it is an intimate experience that should be shared between two partners who love, care for, and respect each other. I will overcome this addiction.


"What has already happened before is not what will happen next. Because right now, you have the opportunity to change direction. If you're moving in a positive and fruitful direction, you can choose to keep going that way, and to even accelerate your progress. Or, if you've experienced difficulty and disappointment in the past, this is your time to make a change. When you focus on what's already happened, it can be easy to feel permanently stuck in a bad place. So focus instead on the fact that you can, right now, choose a more positive direction. Today is a new day, and it is your day to live in the best way you can imagine. it is your day to move in precisely the direction you choose. Though rising above a difficult past will require great effort and commitment on your part, you certainly can do it. And there's no better way to spend your time than making your way forward and permanently locking your disappointments in the past. The disappointments of the past will begin to fade away as soon as you let go of them. Let go, look forward, and know that you can make this next day the best one yet." - Ralph Marston

i read the entire thing, and while i cannot relate at all i wish you the best of luck. everything you said makes complete sense imo [even though i cant relate], it seems like you are a very intelligent woman and i think you will do whatever you choose to do. again good luck!

I'm in tears after reading this. I relate to so much of this. I do wish you luck with over coming everything that has been hard wired from years of that kind of thing. I know how hard it can be to get over something like this, and although I feel like I've done well I don't think I'm over it completely.

You are stronger, much stronger than you realize.

Good luck in your recovery; I am sure you will do great on the way. <3

Wow Dani, that is very brave & courageous to share your sex addiction with everyone. I hope you are doing well & doing what you need to do to love yourself & overcome this addiction! I love you. & I will always be here for you.

Thank you everyone. I had a mini panic attack after posting this. It's really hard to admit, and I just recently came to the realization of my addiction.
Thursday I had sex with 4 guys in just one day, and that's when I realized how bad my addiction was. I always figured addiction can only be to substances and what not. But addiction goes way beyond that.
On friday I finally broke down in tears opening up and admitting my addiction. It's still really hard for me.
I have my first sex anonymous meeting tonight, i'm so nervous to go.

I went through a few years of this all and now Im married and happy. We wont even try to aim at numbers...just know that a good man and husband will not care or prob ever ask you how many guys you slept with in the past. im around if you ever wanna pm and talk. Good luck!  

<blockquote><b>Quoting milf and c00kies ツ:</b>" Thank you everyone. I had a mini panic attack after posting this. It's really hard to admit, and I just ... [snip!] ... admitting my addiction. It's still really hard for me. I have my first sex anonymous meeting tonight, i'm so nervous to go. "</blockquote>



Youll do fine! You seem very strong headed! Keep positive and everything will work out with time!   hugs!

Goodluck<3
I'm here you for you hun.

Wow! I say this because if you changed the names and times a bit, this is my life....I was sexually abused, raped and molested as a child which lasted for several years. It wasn't until, in my late teens and dozens of guys later, that I learned why. Like you, I felt that was the only way to feel in control, to feel loved; if I gave a guy sex, I'd have him eating out of my hand. I credit my therapist for helping me through it. She told me that people who are sexually abused/raped/molested usually go one of two ways: Either they shun physical affection or crave it. I-like you-craved it; it was my way of dealing with my past. I would cry after one night stands but yet, I'd do it all over again the next day. Throughout the years I've learned to love myself and yes, I still have my bad days, but sooo much has happened in my life, it has changed me and the way I feel about my body and my perception/definition of love. I wish you all the best; you CAN and WILL get through this. It will take a while to get back on track but it is worth it. YOU'RE WORTH IT! If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM me and if not me, someone you trust....Much love and blessing!

Quoting Mrs Mia Wallace:" Wow! I say this because if you changed the names and times a bit, this is my life....I was sexually abused, ... [snip!] ... WORTH IT! If you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to PM me and if not me, someone you trust....Much love and blessing!"

Thank you love <3
i just recently found out i was sexually abused as a child, by my father and my moms druggie friends.
I have dissociative identity disorder, also known as multiple personality, so my alters have been protecting me from that past that i don't remember. And now i'm having flashbacks of what had happened to me and it's horrible.

it's very courageous of you to open up and admit that you in fact have a problem...what are you going to do for recovery?..I hope you move forward with this.

Quoting Mrs.O!:" it's very courageous of you to open up and admit that you in fact have a problem...what are you going to do for recovery?..I hope you move forward with this."

I'm going to sex anonymous meetings. I'm gonna try to get a sponsor tonight.
And I'm continuing my therapy for my mental illness's.

Quoting milf and c00kies ツ:" I'm going to sex anonymous meetings. I'm gonna try to get a sponsor tonight. And I'm continuing my therapy for my mental illness's. "

thats good to hear, I hope you'd attempt to try abstinence for a while also..I know it's not a cure to your addictions but it might help you try and start fresh..and that way maybe you can "fight temptation" and learn to find the love that you deserve to feel for yourself before trying to find a generic version of it..I seriously wish you all the best in the world and hope that in this bad time you find the positivity and light.

It's good you've realized what is going on with you, if you ever want to talk you know I'm here! <3