I'm NOT excited ( long vent) *UPDATE*

okay so I'm going to be 36 weeks tomorrow and I just CANNOT seem to get excited about the fact that my son is going to be here in a few weeks. I cry every day and I just feel so miserable all the time. It makes me so sad to see all you girls counting down the days until your little ones get here, because I wish I could feel that way. I don't think I have ever once said " oh I just can't wait to hold him". I never wanted to be a mom. I always said I was never going to have kids. I always thought if I got pregnant I would have an abortion, but once I found out I was pregnant there was NO WAY I could go though with that. as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I decieded to keep it. I know this sounds bad but I feel like my life is over. I had my whole life to live, and a few months after turning 18 I got pregnant. I always tell myself that I've ruined my life...I don't know what to do, I have no one to talk to , no one understands me. Mike (my fiance) is so excited to be a dad, he can't wait for the baby to get here. My mom loved being pregnant, and loves babies.She always tells me I need to "stop being so fucking miserable" She always tells me "just be happy... you're having a baby." but for me, that's easier said than done. I just feel like I can't handle all of this. We set up the bassinet the other day, and I started washing all of his clothes and blankets ,and to be honest, it didn't make me excited. I think it made me feel worse, like just knowing he's going to be here so soon. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed all day. I'm always sad and have no energy, I just want to sleep all day so I don't have to think about anything, but of course when it comes time for me to go to bed, I can't sleep because my mind is racing. I always think to myself "what did I get myself into" and "why me? why did this happen to me?" (obviousley becuase I was having sex and not being safe enough) but I don't know, sometimes I feel like this is just one big bad dream that I'm going to wake up from, but I know I won't. This is reality, this is my life. I don't know where I'm going with this post.. I'm bawling my eyes out right now.
I went though a really sad time about a year and a half ago .I was miserbale and cried all the time (long story about that) but I developed an eating disorder, I also started abusing prescription pills. I started taking Adderall, an ADHD medication, but since I didn't have ADHD, it was like taking speed. I got really bad with that, and was addicted to it for about a year. I stopped taking it once I found out I was pregnant, so I guess you could say I'm still addicted, I just refuse to take them while I'm pregnant ( I dream about them all the time, as horrible as that sounds, I miss taking them, they made me feel so good, and blocked out my problems) I have a feeling after I have the baby my E.D. is going to come back, seeing is it never reallywent way. I still worry about my weight, but I obviousley had to start eating once I became pregnant ( and lucky me I've gained a whole 80 lbs so far thanks to being underweight and unhealthy pre pregnancy) and that's another thing making me miserable, I feel so ugly and disgusting all the time. I just don't know what to do, nothing seems to make me feel better. Everyday I just get more and more upset, becuase everday is one day closer to my due date. and everday I start to feel more miserable, and lazy, and tired. I have no motivation to do anything ( I think part of the reason I've been tired my entire pregnancy is from being addicted to uppers for a year and then stopping, so I don't remember what it's like to feel "normal" . I don't know if everyone feels this way and I'm just not used to it....or if it's because I just have no motivation to do anything any more) This is so hard. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Everday I wish this all wasn't really happening.....I seriousley think I'm going to have PPD. 
I just don't know what to do.......

I feel like I have so much bottled up in me that I could explode.
you girls are the only people I have to talk to, no one else can relate to me at all these days...
so thanks for reading this, if you've made it this far.

*** UPDATE***
I had my 36 week appointment on Wednesday (May 8th) and I told my doctor I had been crying a lot and not excited about the baby, he asked if I felt depressed and I said "kinda, I'm not sure if it's depression or just hormones" he asked I ever felt like hurting myself and I said no, nothing like that. and he said since I'm almost done with my pregnancy, he doesn't want to put on any medication (which is fine with me because I don't want it if I don't really need it) BUT he told me after I have the baby he's going to have me see him sooner than I normally would, just to make sure I'm okay and see how I'm doing.. and we'll see how it goes from there..

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT!<3 you girls really do mean the world to me..

<3

you are depressed. it's normal to have worries and feel strange but you need to see a doctor. don't let this go.

Its ok to feel that way. I had pp after my son but I still kept on and right now I am so focused on my son I dont see anything else. Being pregnant does suck. I hate happy pregnant people and the weight gain and the fact that I feel like I cant do anything. Believe me being pregnant SUCKS ! But I feel ya on not being happy just keep yourself busy and I hope everything turns out for the best for you.

I didn't read everything, but I understand. I never wanted kids ever, have known that since I was like 2, even said the same thing, if I got pregnant, I'd get an abortion, but I didn't. I even have felt like I resented and regretted having her, but once I actually had her and saw her, everything changed. I wouldn't trade her for the world. For most ov my pregnancy my boyfriend was far happier then I was. I think everything will change when he gets here, trust me, I went through a depression phase [I spent my teenage years on so many meds for bipolar and manic depression] during my pregnancy but it went away. Towards the end I never wanted to get out ov the house or even the bed, but again that changed eventually. I swear things will get better. I felt ugly and disgusting my whole pregnancy, after I had her, I felt better and I have a giant incision on my stomach and still somehow feel better about myself lol, its like having the baby releases something and it just makes you feel good.

hey, listen dont worry, you will be fine *hugs* i felt the same kind of things as you close to my due date

i never imagined being pregnant at 19, i was discusted at myself, i couldnt ever see myself being able to be a mum at that age, and that my life was going to be over

but see when your little one arrives, everything will become clear to you, i think half the battle is the uncertainty of birth , it scared the life out of me and i began to wonder if i could do it at all

but well done you for saying how you feel, if you need someone to talk to who wont judge anything you say, id be glad to talk to you  

baby girl. i know how u feel, but ur a little late in the game to still be feeling this way!!!! u sound like u are battling with depression and u may want to talk to your doc about it before the baby gets here so they can give u something. at this point u might want to consider that. cause all that negative feelings are going to ur baby and believe me girl ur baby is going to bring u so much joy when it gets here. u want to be alright in ur mind for tht. i can relate to u totally me and my babies father are going thru some things because we were doing two different things and weren't planning on having a baby with each other. but we say shit happens now we have to make the best of a bad situation and be happy no matter what. u sound like u have a support system already so u have someeone to talk to, u just have talk to them. u can still have a life after ur baby gets here u said ur mom loves babies. she should be happy to babysit. believe me i had my first my last year of college so i know how u feel. u will get thru it. cause ur r not alone!!

I didn't read it all, but I rememeber you have posted about this before. I know it may be a bit late, but have you considered adoption maybe? I mean if you really aren't ready for a kid you shouldn't be forced to raise one, because this may grow into resentment towards the child and not be good at all.

I know exactly how you feel. I was alcoholic before I got pregnant. I was miserable when I stopped drinking, I didn't know what to do with myself, and Igot chubby. Everytime I want to go back to alcohol I get so mad at myself for getting pregnant. I love my daughter with my entire heart, and I would never give her up for alcohol, but sometimes I really wish I had made a different choice and given her up for adoption or been more careful when having sex. I never realized how much she saved me until after I had her, and saw her beautiful face.. Everytime I see her I feel better, I smile, all of my problems melt away.
I promised myself and Jane that if I ever got a drinking, drug, or eatting problem again I would go to rehab and get counseling, and I'm sticking to that promise. I think you should do that same thing, because you need to be happy and healthy for your baby. Call your doctor and tell them how you're feeling and what's been going on so they can help you. Your child needs you!

have you thought of giving your baby up for adoption? with that said, im sure everyone has feelings like yours as a first time *suprise* mom, i know i did. when i was pregnant the first time, i miscarried around 8 weeks. i was heartbroken, but underneath it all i was relieved... i didnt think that was a normal feeling... and maybe it isnt... but once you meet your baby and get to know it maybe your feelings will change. when i had my first *successful* preg, it took me probablly 2 months before i actually felt anything for my little girl. i kept seeing others hold her and it felt like i was in a daze... that she wasnt my child, she was theirs and i would have had no problem letting them take her home. it WAS very hard at first, and i resented her for taking my college experience away and making me have to grow up,but now i woudlnt change what happened for the world. your world IS about to change but it isnt bad, just different from what you had planned. good luck in whatever you decide, and i hope your fight with addiction works out. i know some about that too. you can messege me if you need someone to talk to.

Quoting daniellefm♡:“ okay so I'm going to be 36 weeks tomorrow and I just CANNOT seem to get excited about the fact that my ... [snip!] ... I have to talk to, no one else can relate to me at all these days... so thanks for reading this, if you've made it this far.”

my mom felt the EXACT same way when she was preggo with me and aftre i was born it took her a couple weeks to bound with me but she did and we have the closest relationship! itll take a while but itll be strong! my mom HATES kids lol

Babies have turned peoples lives around who are in the same situation as you. You might take one look at that precious baby then not be able to imagine life without him That may be hard to grasp right now with the way you feel but things happen for a reason and I'm sure you'll be fine. You have a supportive guy and mother who can help you through this. I read Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields and I loved it. I'm not depressed but I wanted to read a story about it since it can happen to any one of us.

This might sound creepy, but I feel like we are a lot alike.

I never imagined having kids. Other people's kids got on my nerves a lot. Actually, they still do. When I see 2 year olds running around being obnoxious I'm like GOOD GOD, get your kid under control! Before I got pregnant, I always said if I had a scare, I would probably have an abortion. Well, once I got pregnant I was like... oh God, I can't go through with it. I started to see a psychologist while I was still up at college but it didn't really help. As you know, I have an ED too. I have since my Sophomore year in high school. I know once I have the baby it's going to come back and I don't care. I want to be skinny again and feel good about myself (close to impossible, though). But really, I have no idea how I will get back into the rhythm of it, even though I know I will starting using my Xanga a lot to talk to other girls with EDs. I used my Topamax to help me stay focused on weight loss. True, I did have migraines too but once I discovered it helped you loose weight, I couldn't live without and and I titrated my dose up higher than prescribed. For the past week I've had no energy. I want to sleep all the time, do nothing. I had to force myself to wash the baby's clothes and get the room ready. I'm anxious for her to be here because I'm tired of being pregnant. But I cry about every day, too. I also worry I will have PPD.

After typing all this I realized I've offered you no real advice. I just don't want you to feel alone.

thank you to everyone for your replies... I think I'm going to wait until after I have the baby to talk to my doctor.. but hopefully things will change once he's here. I hope just seeing him makes all these feeling go away, because sometimes I think I'm so upset because I'm scared of the unknown...

Quoting daniellefm♡:“ thank you to everyone for your replies... I think I'm going to wait until after I have the baby to talk ... [snip!] ... just seeing him makes all these feeling go away, because sometimes I think I'm so upset because I'm scared of the unknown...”

reason i suggested talking to the doc now is because although seeing ur baby is a great thing. babies cry and scream and all that good stuff. everyday isn't always a good day. ur gonna be on another roller coaster. just a thought. my daughter cried every night for the first 3 months because she had gas and no one not even her docs knew what was wrong. and i was about ready to throw her out the window at 1am. so just keep that in mind

Quoting Makayla's Mom:“ reason i suggested talking to the doc now is because although seeing ur baby is a great thing. babies ... [snip!] ... one not even her docs knew what was wrong. and i was about ready to throw her out the window at 1am. so just keep that in mind”

lol..

I just don't know if I'm depressed or if it's jsut the hormones and everything..

and what would I say to him?
I'm afriad if he gives me some sort of pills, I'll abuse those too..