I still think about you little bean.

*Deep Breath*

This is the first time I'm really talking about this... But I just think about it so much. I hope I'm not offending anyone and I hope this is okay to post here.

Here is my story.

In June-ish of 2010 I started seeing an awesome guy... starting feeling awesome things. I was twenty one years old. It felt like we fell in love instantly. I loved him so much and I spent every single moment with him. He treated me like no one had ever treated me before- he was amazing. Things moved so fast. We were typical love birds consumed with infatuation. We talked about marriage.. we talked about a baby. From the first time we had sex we never used protection and we named our little baby Mckenna, like just jokingly. Never even really being aware that yes, indeed I COULD actually get pregnant!
Before Beau, (his name) I was in an unhealthy and awful relationship... I was actually still living with my ex while seeing Beau. So Beau had trust issues, and rightfully so... There was also this other guy who I would always text. I don't know why but back then I saw nothing wrong with this. Beau was also in a relationship before me, with an older woman... ewww but whatever.

One day out of the blue... he broke up with me. I was devastated. I had never felt so alone, so sad. It felt like I lost everything. I drove to his house... he wasn't home but left my stuff outside in a bag. He ignored all of my calls... I actually ran out of gas near his house and was finally able to get in touch with him after walking like three miles in 100+ degree heat. He did come help me. He kissed me... he left me thinking there was hope...

Two days later I took a pregnancy test. I was pregnant. Pregnant by a guy who changed his phone number... I tried desperately to get him to talk to me. This was the same guy that told me he hoped I was pregnant after each time we had sex.

My phone rang... it was a private number. I answered it and on the other end was Beau's ex girlfriend, or girlfriend now I guess. He left me to get back with her. She was 20+ years older than me, overweight and omg... so sick. She was so mean and so cold. I kept pleading with her like telling her that it was okay, she could stay with Beau. I told her that she could be a part of Beau's child's life and that she should be happy for him. I was okay with doing this alone. I secretly had hope that he would come back.

I was so depserate to see him and spend time with him that I told him I would get an abortion if he would take me and pay for it. I can't believe I went through with it. It has been a long time now and I do have a son. But I still think about the baby; Mckenna. I had an abortion in Aug of 2010.

What makes this so hard is that Beau did come back.. there were times when he cried with me at the bar drunk as smurf saying he wished he didn't make me do that. Why couldn't I just go with my intuition and know he'd come back?

Of course in a way I am happy I didn't because now I have a beautiful son and I am with someone who makes me happy. But I don't know... I think about the past and then I think about how I'd have Beau and our child and I get sad....

:'( Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry mama, but thank you for sharing your story. Stay strong.

Quoting Heather+Austin:" *Deep Breath* This is the first time I'm really talking about this... But I just think about it so much. ... [snip!] ... I think about the past and then I think about how I'd have Beau and our child and I get sad.... :'( Thanks for listening."

So your BD is a different man?
Thank you for sharing that story im sure it wasnt easy.

Quoting SmashleynSmallyPants:" So your BD is a different man? Thank you for sharing that story im sure it wasnt easy. "

Yeah different guy; accidental pregnancy and actually it was like RIGHT after I decided to give up on Beau. He got into partying and drugs and ever since then his life has been a mess. He was even sleeping with guys at one point because he was so smurfed off of those stupid bath salts. That's hard for me too because I blame myself for his depression. I care for him so much... Man if only I could turn back time and fix things.

I am happy though with my boyfriend and I do love him. He is aware of my struggles with the abortion.

Quoting Heather+Austin:" Yeah different guy; accidental pregnancy and actually it was like RIGHT after I decided to give up ... [snip!] ... and fix things. I am happy though with my boyfriend and I do love him. He is aware of my struggles with the abortion. "

have you thought about getting some counseling?

I was in counseling at one point and was basically coached on how to let go, which I did. I chose to stop being strung along by Beau. I started dating my current boyfriend in January of 2011... I was actually with Beau eating In N Out when my boyfriend called me. He told me he had a question, and that's when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy. Ever since that day I haven't really given Beau the time of day other than occasional facebook messages back and forth.

When I told him I was pregnant it was so awkward because I got pregnant right away. Ugh the whole thing was so weird but my current boyfriend and I have come sooo far and I am honestly so happy with him and our baby boy. I just can't help but get a little depressed about this sometimes.

Quoting Heather+Austin:" I was in counseling at one point and was basically coached on how to let go, which I did. I chose to ... [snip!] ... far and I am honestly so happy with him and our baby boy. I just can't help but get a little depressed about this sometimes."

you will probably always wonder what life would have been like. But its important to stay present. Have you ever read The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle?

No, I'm going to look it up right now.

I threw away all of the pics I had; I had a sonogram to confirm pregnancy at one of our local Christian Pregnancy Centers so they were totally against abortion and they gave me a ton of pics. I was barely 5 weeks along though so they weren't much to look at.

Sometimes I remember how much Beau didn't care... and I get mad. I took the abortion pills and I remember feeling and being so sick when he dropped me off at home that I was in my driveway puking. I begged him to stay and he said he had to go because it was a nephew's bday. (Come to find out later on in the year, he was actually lying because I was at his house in the fall when he received an invitation to the party and he only has one nephew!!)

Quoting Heather+Austin:" No, I'm going to look it up right now. I threw away all of the pics I had; I had a sonogram to confirm ... [snip!] ... actually lying because I was at his house in the fall when he received an invitation to the party and he only has one nephew!!)"

Wow, its so good your away from him he's seriously selfish

Quoting SmashleynSmallyPants:" Wow, its so good your away from him he's seriously selfish"

I KNOW!! He is a drug addict now, like seriously has accomplished NOTHING since back then. I think that's why I harbor so much depression and sadness with this... I feel like it's my fault. Idk.

God bless you, Heather! And a great big hug!