re: *Gone

Quoting MommyInTheMaking:“ I don't really understand what the difference is between bringing your baby home, or spending the day ... [snip!] ... forum they are posting in before they type comments about still born babies giving them the "eebie jeebies" etc... - Jess”

Like I said, I found out after the funeral home got Haley, that we could have taken her home with us, I wish I would have known that, b/c I would have.
BUT also glad that like you said Jess. My mom and dad were there, they got to see Haley, And Shawn and I. His parents live 3 hours away. And yes I would have loved for them to see her too. They got pictures. Just like most of the close family did.
I wish though that We did take her home with us for a few hours. Then we could have taken some "at home" pics!!

I lost my little girl at 35 weeks and I would have LOVED to take her home with me and grieve over her without all the doctors and the nurses around. I remember at her funeral, I didnt take pictures or anything, but she was the most perfect looking baby. I never thought of taking pictures until when I later looked up mothers with losses like mine and seen that they took funeral pictures. When I was at the hospital my eyesight was really messed up and I was really sick so I could barely even see her. We got pictures but she was wrinkly from being in my water bag for so long. I wish I would have got to spend more time with her body just bc its all the memory I will ever have of her.

Quoting FreeAsABird:“ I don't think it's appropriate to have your children meet and hold their late sister...I would not think ... [snip!] ... about having a child hold a dead body...I just don't think it's right...I can't imagine introducing a young child to that...”

I think your view is very common in western culture and I think it is very tragic. Death is a part of this life and keeping it secret from our children only makes them fear it. If we allow them to experience it (I know this is only possible if a loved one dies) then they will understand it as best they can and when they understand something they usually aren't afraid. My kids were 3 and 1.5 when my one day old daughter died and they met her while she was alive but I did not want them there after she had passed nor did I allow them at the funeral or burial. I really regret that decision now. They understood that she died and that she was in heaven but they were fearful of me leaving them alone for months (mostly the 3 y/o) because their sister just disappeared and she thought maybe mommy would disappear too. We didn't tell our kids until about 2 weeks ago that their sister is buried in the ground because I thought it would be scary for them. Our dog got hit by a car so we buried him in the back yard and all my daughter can talk about is Boston is in his hole now and who is going to put her in her hole when she dies and she wonders if someone will paint pictures to bury with her like she did for Boston. She just wants honesty, she's not afraid of it at all.

I think at 3 y/o my daughter would have been absolutely devastated if we didn't allow her to come hold her baby sister that was going to go live in heaven. Even more so than she was that Isabel wasn't staying with us.

Quoting northwind:“ I think she would have been absolutely devastated if we didn't allow her to hold her baby sister that was going to go live in heaven. Even more so than she was that Isabel wasn't staying with us.”

My son is 3, will be 4 in June, and honestly, at his age.. I can't see him TRULY understanding or being THAT devastated by something he can't fully understand. I think he would say his "aww, so the baby is with Jesus now?" and going back to his room to play with his toys. I really think at that age it doesn't affect them as much as you think it would.

Really don't know if this should have been posted in the suffering and loss part of the board, maybe debate or discussion, but seeing that this isn't our child or our choice, if these people wanted to bring there child home and they were aloud, then I hope it brought them peace. I pray no one has to be in that situation, but keep in mind allot of the ladies in here have lost there children and it's very insensitive to say some of the things that were said.

Quoting Pregnant w/my 2nd!:“ My son is 3, will be 4 in June, and honestly, at his age.. I can't see him TRULY understanding or being ... [snip!] ... going back to his room to play with his toys. I really think at that age it doesn't affect them as much as you think it would.”

Maybe your son couldn't understand it but my daughter could. When my belly started growing bigger she would daily kiss it and say "I love you little baby." She understood at the time that flowers "die" and batteries to her toys "die". No, she couldn't understand the death of a person fully, I don't think there are any adults that can understand it fully either. But she understood to the best of her ability. She still sometimes cries over her baby sister Isabel (completely unprompted and out of the blue) and talks often of how I have 3 kids at home and one kid in heaven. They understand a lot more than you are willing to give them credit for.

You said your son would go back to playing with his toys. Well, that is how a child works through things, through play. If they are dealing with something that makes them unhappy you can usually see it come out in the way they play.

Quoting northwind:“ Maybe your son couldn't understand it but my daughter could. When my belly started growing bigger she ... [snip!] ... through play. If they are dealing with something that makes them unhappy you can usually see it come out in the way they play.”

Of course. Most kids understand that. But it wouldn't be as emotionally draining or as devastating to them as it is/was for you. And what I meant by going back to playing with his toys I meant that they don't sit and think on it and mourn or be just "absolutely devastated" by it. Seriously. Most psychologists would agree. They are still just very young and as much as you want to think she would be just so impacted at that age by the loss of her just born sister, whom she never spent any time with at all pretty much, the truth of the matter is she most likely wouldn't.

all I have to say is every child's development is different, and Melissa's kids understand it because they were involved in a family loss. I wouldn't say exactly that your kids are or aren't capable of those feelings until they've experience it.


just my two cents.   

Quoting HelloKimmie:“ all I have to say is every child's development is different, and Melissa's kids understand it because ... [snip!] ... say exactly that your kids are or aren't capable of those feelings until they've experience it. just my two cents.   ”

That's a possibility, but I still stand by my argument that if she wasn't allowed to hold her lost sister, it wouldn't have made such a huge impact in her life as mentioned.

I am relaying this conversation as it is happening.
Me: Are you happy that you happy that you got to meet Isabel in the hospital?

Bianca: *nods*

Me: What was your favorite part about meeting her?

Bianca: holding her on the hospital bed with you.

Me: Would you have been sad if you got to play at grandma's house instead of coming to the hospital and you didn't get to hold her?

Bianca: yeah.

Me: Would you have been happy if you got to play instead?

Bianca: no.

Me: Where is Isabel now?

Bianca: In heaven

Is there anything else you would like me to ask her? I'm glad you deleted the original post all it did was add insult to injury. I don't understand why you insist on arguing about something that you are obviously clueless in though.

Quoting northwind:“ I am relaying this conversation as it is happening. Me: Are you happy that you happy that you got to ... [snip!] ... add insult to injury. I don't understand why you insist on arguing about something that you are obviously clueless in though.”

I deleted it because there are people here who did not feel it was necessary in this section. I'm not hiding anything or trying to cover anything up.. I simply took it down so no feelings are hurt. Need I say more?  

Quoting Pregnant w/my 2nd!:“ I deleted it because there are people here who did not feel it was necessary in this section. I'm not ... [snip!] ... I'm not hiding anything or trying to cover anything up.. I simply took it down so no feelings are hurt. Need I say more?  ”

That's what I said, you added insult to injury.

Quoting twinmami:“ We went through the same with our firstborn, he was alive as i was in labour, but they took him away ... [snip!] ... their heart and soul. I think people ought to have more respect, especially if they havent even been through it themselves.”

i completely understand... i left the hospital with no baby and i watched bringing home baby religously and i had nothing in my arms as i left the hospital.. it just all felt so wrong... i finally stopped crying and then we had to pass the funeral home on the way home.. i broke down knowing my baby was in there... and then 3 days later, i had to plan my little man's funeral.. thats something as a parent you NEVER want to experience..

Quoting klindley:“ i completely understand... i left the hospital with no baby and i watched bringing home baby religously ... [snip!] ... and then 3 days later, i had to plan my little man's funeral.. thats something as a parent you NEVER want to experience..”

Agreed. A parent should never have to go through burying their child. You always imagine it being the other way around.  

Quoting Pregnant w/my 2nd!:“ Of course. Most kids understand that. But it wouldn't be as emotionally draining or as devastating to ... [snip!] ... just born sister, whom she never spent any time with at all pretty much, the truth of the matter is she most likely wouldn't.”

I know you took it down. I agree that a young child would't feel the same as a mother would. However, the child is going to grow up. That child is always going to know that their brother or sister died. So even though they might not be devasted that they didn't say goodbye when they are 3...someday they will. Someday maybe they would look back and think "I really wish Icould have held my sister before we said goodbye"