If you love something let it go.....?

Has anyone let go of their SO/BD while pregnant and eventually get back with them?

Like Ive stated in previous post -- I feel like I'm mourning the death of a family.... I just want me, my bd, & my LO to be one happy family. He has been hot and cold but most recently cold trying to have the benefits of a relationship (friendship, hanging out, sometimes sex) without one.

I've decided to only speak to him when it regards my pregnancy or other "business" matters. Part of the reason is because he can either have all of me/us or none.... the other part is I need to try something different than trying to convince him that he is making a mistake by ripping our family apart.

Has anyone just walked away and in the end got what they want? I just feel like theres no where to go but up from here.

If you walk away, don't do it because you want him back, do it because you know that is what is best for you and LO. I walked away from my first sons bio dad, we are not together and have no contact with eachother, the last part was not my choice it was his. My current husband would go throught phases like you describe and I broke up with him numerous times because I could not allow my son, his blood or not, to be played with like a convenient toy. Eventually he did come around and we got married. Through and through, I always put what was best for my son and my sanity above my feelings. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I understand 'mourning' the loss of a family and relationship, but if it's not good for everyone then in the end it will be good for no one.

this is something I dont understand about your situation.

Like so many others in your position, you cry, feel heartbroken/devastated, so upset etc etc about your child growing up without mom and dad together.

But the only alternative is for one of his parents to not be happy.

Why would you want to be in a relationship only for a child?? Relationships are hard as smurf....you need more to hold onto them just that.

I dont see how a child is better off with their parents together when one or both are not happy. I understand where you are coming from, the most important thing to me is keeping my family together... but if SO did not want to be here, NEVER would I make him feel like he had to be.

He may be making a mistake to you by 'ripping' the family apart, but he may be doing the right thing for him and your son.

If you get this man to be with you out of guilt, you will be sooooo sorry later.

I can't offer any real advice cause I'm sort of in the same situation. My husband left recently (mutual decision) and he really seems unsure of so much it's just irritating. Like one minute he wants this " mature relationship and healthy environment for the child", then the next he basically is acting like I'm the worst person ever and is ONLY concerned about the child. He wasn't even involved nor concerned about the pregnancy while he was here   sorry to vent to you but I needed to let this out somewhere. I think we both just need some space and time apart.

I think it really depends on the kind of person he is. My situation is very unique. My husband didn't see his son for the first 8 months of his life. I called and he wouldn't answer. (Long back story) Anyway, one day I got really fed up and decided to call him again. He answered. I asked if he wanted to see his son and he said yes. He came to see him and never really left. It took a LOT of work but we got to know each other again. I made the decision that I was going to forgive him and not throw the past in his face. We got married last month and are expecting another baby.

What I'm saying is, I decided to not push things between him and I. I mainly wanted him to have a relationship with his son, even if that meant NOT being with me. We just sort of let things happen between us naturally. One thing that I did insist on was a commitment if we were going to have sex at all! LOL (free milk and cows you know 

I hope things work out for you and your family the way you want them too. Good luck mama!

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" this is something I dont understand about your situation. Like so many others in your position, you ... [snip!] ... doing the right thing for him and your son. If you get this man to be with you out of guilt, you will be sooooo sorry later. "

I think you make very good points.

Just to clarify, I dont want to be in a relationship only for our kid... BUT that is a motivating factor for why I want it so bad.

You are right, I shouldn't guilt him into it.... and I'm not trying to. But at the same time I feel like he has no clue what he got, and what he is missing.

And what complicates the situation is I'm moving in with him in August (long story but..... high nyc rent + trying to graduate law school on time = a tricky situation) so I feel like he is getting all the advantages of a fake family and does not have a reality check. I want something real.... not to keep pretending.

Quoting Coño.:" I can't offer any real advice cause I'm sort of in the same situation. My husband left recently (mutual ... [snip!] ... here   sorry to vent to you but I needed to let this out somewhere. I think we both just need some space and time apart."

I honestly thought women couldn't make up our minds but it seems like both of "our" men are hot and cold.... it sucks. Atleast for me, I get my hopes up and then disappointed.... I'm really at a lost.

Quoting whoknowsx:" I think you make very good points. Just to clarify, I dont want to be in a relationship only for ... [snip!] ... all the advantages of a fake family and does not have a reality check. I want something real.... not to keep pretending. "

What is he missing out on?

You've given him everything with no commitment required?

You have to make the choice to not keep pretending.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Cute&Wicked:</b>" I think it really depends on the kind of person he is. My situation is very unique. My husband didn't ... [snip!] ... LOL (free milk and cows you know  I hope things work out for you and your family the way you want them too. Good luck mama!"</blockquote>


Can I ask you how you "got to know each other again "? I feel like this is where my husband an my relationship is stuck at the moment and it's so frustrating I feel like we are constantly going in circles lately. And also how long did it take for you to fully forgive him in your heart? If its too personal don't feel obligated to answer, or you can pm me if you want.

<blockquote><b>Quoting whoknowsx:</b>" I honestly thought women couldn't make up our minds but it seems like both of "our" men are hot and ... [snip!] ... of "our" men are hot and cold.... it sucks. Atleast for me, I get my hopes up and then disappointed.... I'm really at a lost. "</blockquote>

Yeah definitely. I just don't get why they, well mine at least, is so willing to work things out one day then it's like the VERY NEXT DAY he can just not want to anymore or have an idc attitude. I do too. I always tell myself I'm not going to have any expectations so if he actually comes through it will be a pleasant surprise but it never works out like that.

Quoting Coño.:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Cute&Wicked:</b>" I think it really depends on the kind of person ... [snip!] ... for you to fully forgive him in your heart? If its too personal don't feel obligated to answer, or you can pm me if you want."

Oh, no. I don't think it's too personal at all. That's what BG is for right?  Anyway, it too a long time for me to forgive him. But he stepped up in a big way. He too over the household bills, made sure our son had everything he needed. Plus he is a wonderful father, nurturing, patient and our son adores him. We spent a lot of time talking about things other than our son. We started to date each other again. When I saw where our relationship was going, I decided to make my needs clear in no uncertain terms. I wanted to get married and have more children. I told him that if he was just waiting around for something better, that we could end things now and just be really good co-parents. He told me that he wanted the same things and his actions backed he words up, so it made me feel secure and confident in our relationship. I hope this helps you  Good luck mama!

<blockquote><b>Quoting Cute&Wicked:</b>" Oh, no. I don't think it's too personal at all. That's what BG is for right?  Anyway, it too a long ... [snip!] ... backed he words up, so it made me feel secure and confident in our relationship. I hope this helps you  Good luck mama!"</blockquote>


Ok I thought it was just me, because it seems like it is taking forever for me to actually forgive him. Doing it and saying I've done it are two totally different things, IMO, and it was becoming discouraging that it hasn't happened yet. I think that's what I need to do, make my needs very clear. I feel like I'm always asking or telling him about things that I "want" out of our relationship but I've never explained to him what I need, which is in fact my fault if he isn't living up to it since he has no way of knowing. Thank you, I was already planning on talking to him after he gets off of work today so I will try a different approach  

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" What is he missing out on? You've given him everything with no commitment required? You have to make the choice to not keep pretending. "

While I know you are trying to give constructive criticism, and I appreciate it -- I am seeking advice about what to do. I recognize that I have played into his cards and allowed this fraudulent relationship to continue, but for the record, I have not had sex with him since we broke up… and I have refused his invitations for dates and vacations. The only thing I AM doing is moving in, and that’s whats best for baby and me at this point. I am seeking advice from people who have been there before – so if you have, where did you find your strength? How did you walk away? And if you haven’t (and good for you if you havent!), while I recognize that I have been foolish, I have no regrets about fighting for my family. And if my family turns out to be just me and my LO then its not for lack of effort to have his father in the home. I only wish the same could be said about him.

Quoting whoknowsx:" While I know you are trying to give constructive criticism, and I appreciate it -- I am seeking advice ... [snip!] ... just me and my LO then its not for lack of effort to have his father in the home. I only wish the same could be said about him."

What are you looking on advice for? How to get over him? The best way to get over someone is to STAY away from them. Find new things in your life to do, re-bond with your girls, go to a movie with an friend, do things that keep you busy so your heart can heal.
But you can't do that since you are moving in with him. You are putting your vulnerable heart into a bad situation. How do you turn your feelings off for him when you are going to see him everyday? How do you not let your heart burst with joy when you see him bathing your child, or rocking him to sleep?
I can see why you want your family together...and I dont have to know either of you to know what he's missing out on...but how is he going to see that if he has you and his child in his home?
And what is your next plan? To finish school and then leave his home with your child? Thats the most unrealistic thing ever. Your heart and family will only grow strong over the next year or however long you have till school is done.

There has to be other options. He cant be the only person who can give you shelter...and if he is, then you've set your life up for it to be that way. You need to move on. You need to focus on you and your child. You need to be prepared to be the best single mama ever!

But...If you want to stay, and you want to learn how to 'move on' then you need to focus on ANYTHING other then him. Let him see what he's missing out on. Go about your life and do what you want to do.
**This is just going to be very difficult when you will be with him at all times and sharing a child.

Quoting Shannonsfirst:" What are you looking on advice for? How to get over him? The best way to get over someone is to STAY ... [snip!] ... do what you want to do. **This is just going to be very difficult when you will be with him at all times and sharing a child. "

You are right and honestly I dont WANT to move in with him. My family is somewhat forcing me -- not offering support otherwise. They say I have no clue how much work a newborn is and that I will need his help.

I, also, am scared of doing the first year alone... while doing my final year of professional school. Not to mention a rent of 2k (the price in the area we live for a one bedroom) does not seem feasible with a newborn to support off of school loans. After I graduate school I will make 160k and will be able to financially do this without him (can pay for rent and a nanny). As it stand I dont qualify for any government assistance due to the amount of money i make over the summer. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.