I had an abortion when I was 16. I didn't want it, but my parents and his parents were not supportive and no one wanted to help with the baby. Most of my family and his encouraged the abortion. I was too scared to have a baby on my own. I had no job, no car, no where to go. I did not know there was public assistance I could have used until I got on my own feet. Anyway I caved and had it done. I felt like I was forced to it and still suffer from PTSD. Over the years I have felt extreme loss, guilt and shame. I have tried to kill myself more than once and was in the hospital more than once for it. (This was years ago as a teen.) I also used to cut myself and starve myself as a form of punishment.
I later had a child at 19 and another at 23. I am once more pregnant. I love my children and I'm married now, but it is so hard. This pregnancy brings up old feelings that are hard to deal with.
I feel like a bad mom. How can someone who once killed one of their children ever be a good mom? I feel like nothing I do can ever make up for it. I feel like a failure. Sometimes I wish I never had my children, they deserve someone better than me. I don't think I can ever be happy because of what happened when I was 16.
Choosing to not bring a child into an environment where you can not support a child, and have no one supportive around you doesn't make you a bad mom. Its about making the best decision you could at the time.
You made the decision that you thought was best at the time. I know it's easier said than done, but you can't keep beating yourself up! Choosing not to bring a baby into a world where you can't fully support it doesn't make you a bad mom.
I have never been in your shoes but what you did is in your past. That precious baby is in heaven now. A place where there is no pain and only happiness. You are not a bad mother. You felt pressured into your decision.And your past is your past not your present or your future. Forgive yourself. Let yourself mourn if you feel you need to mourn your child. There is nothing wrong with grieving and it can help bring healing. Don't suppress your feelings but let them out and then let them go. God can bring healing.