Need to vent

It's been over a year now since I had my abortion. And I still to this day struggle with it. Here's my LONG story...

I have a 4 year old. His father and I were having some serious issues when he was turning 2. I was cheating on his father with one of his fathers friends. fast-forward we'll skip over the wedding proposal and all that crap..(your welcome lol) but pause momentarily on the fact that the other guy moved across the Country after I went back to my sons father. (we still talked)....keep fast forwarding to December of 2010 The other guy came home for Christmas. --sidebar- We had been talking ever since he left, he wanted to come home and have a family with me or move my son and I to where he was to start a family...- We hung out only one day alone while he was home and....yeeeah. I left his house that evening and on my way home we got into an argument so we stopped talking. in Feb. of 2011 my friend pointed out my stomach to me and asked if I was pregnant again..I thought quickly after realizing I had not gotten my period that I didn't know. I left there and a few days later returned to her apartment and as I was walking in she threw me a pregnancy test forgetting our conversation I asked what was this for she said to take it. I Pee'd on it and the exact same thing happened with my son when I was pregnant for him...I had just started peeing on it when it said I was pregnant.
In a panic we called the guy who was across the Country and in a different time zone....he finally answered after my brother left him a voice message to call me. The first thing he said was...I'll pay for the Abortion.
As we talked about it (the first time in 2 months) we decided we wanted to keep the baby. He was so excited and I was so in love with my baby I was already showing a little bit and it seemed like once I found out I had morning sickness. One day though he randomly told me I wasn't ruining his life and hung up on me. He then blocked my number and blocked me on fb. I was alone and scared. I'd get ahold on him once a while and he'd seem like he still wanted the baby but then would go back to not talking to me. (one of my friends also told me she was pregnant around this time too) I got rushed into the hospital by my mother because I was having cramps. The Dr.'s told me the Placenta had torn a bit and that I'd miscarry within 48 hours. I was 11 or 12 weeks. I had the abortion already set up for a week later.
A week later I was still pregnant and 12 or 13 weeks I believe it was 12 because they wouldn't do it at either 13 or 14 I believe it was 13 weeks though they wouldnt do it. So I had the procedure done.
It was terrible absolutely the worst experience of my entire life hands down. And after he started talking to me again, he didn't know I had actually gone threw with the abortion. He was hoping I'd still have the baby after he did all this and that I'd tell him parents and they'd fly him home (I don't know why he didn't just ask me to go tell him parents but whatever) he was really upset that I had (we'll call him jack) Jack's child but I didn't have his. He moved home shorty after and wanted to move in together and try again for a baby but it was around the time I would have been due (Sept. 18th) and I was a wreck so I stopped talking to him and broke all of our ties to each other plus it was waaay too soon to be thinking of another baby. 2 weeks after I broke it completely off with him he got a new gf. My friend also had her baby which is extremely tough for me to see her baby and hold hers and think.....my baby would have been just a bit older.
I wanted my baby so bad and still do. I'd do anything to get those couple of months back. Its been a year and all I want is my baby and to be able to reach out to him for comfort. I did not want this abortion, and now I'm mentally and emotionally messed up because of it.

It took courage for you to share the feelings and emotions you've been experiencing over the past year. Maybe it will encourage you to know that you are not alone. I'm with Focus on the Family, and many women have written to us expressing similar feelings of guilt over a past abortion. I encourage you to take a look at the booklet Healing the Hurt as well as the article "Changed" both of which can help you process some of the things you've been feeling.

Another things I'd like to convey to you is that God loves you, and forgiveness is available to you in Jesus Christ. If you’d like to discuss this at greater length, please feel free to contact Focus on the Family’s Counseling Department Monday through Friday between 6:00 A.M. and 8:00 P.M. Mountain time at 1-855-771-HELP (4357). Our counselors would be pleased to assist you in any way they can.

I hope you'll look into some or all of these suggestions. In the meantime, I'll be praying for you, asking God to reveal His healing presence to you in a special way. May His grace and peace surround you and protect you in the days ahead.

thank you very much, I will look into those things  

I would say i know what you are going through, but i don't, although i've had an abortion before, around 12 wks pregnant, i knew it was the right thing for me to do, for my other child, and for myself, and for the little baby i was carrying that didn't have a chance at having a very good life at that point in time.

But i do know the feeling of guilt, and wondering "what if", not very often, but i'm 23 weeks pregnant right now, and i think about what the baby would have looked like, how the pregnancy would of went, how the labor would of went...random things like that.

It gets easier, trust me. In time, you will find that God has a plan for everyone, even if sometimes you have to do smurffy things, it's all a part of getting to where you're going in life. Those smurffy experiences make you stronger, and more wise. I hope you can learn to forgive yourself, and move on, i know you won't ever FORGET, but you will be able to move on, and know you did the best thing for your family <3

I'm really sorry that you had to go through that. While I never had an abortion I could relate to how you feel. I had a mc in Dec and I really wanted that baby. You did the only thing you could think of. It seemed as if the father didn't know what he wanted and if you would have kept the baby, while I'm sure you could have taken care of it alone, you would have wanted the father to be there too. I think it would have been harder for you if the father would have taken one look at the baby and just turned his back. I know it still hurts but you did what you thought was best. I'd say do something in rememberance of the baby. Plant a tree or something like that. That way you can take care of the tree and watch it grow. While it won't replace your baby you can maybe have some comfort that you are doing something to remember him/her. Try not to think about what you did and just remember that you did what you thought best for everyone. That baby will not hate you for it. I'm sure he/she looks down on you and loves you. Stay strong. You did the right thing by cutting the ties with the dad though.

Thank you guys so so much I'm trying to start the healing process the best I can. Both of your kind words truly helped a lot and that's a great idea to plant the tree...I think I'm going to do that! And Katie & Clay's mommy I'm so sorry to hear of your MC.

Thank you both so much again!