its been a month

well its been a month and one day since i lost my Daisy... its been one of the weirdest and hardest things ive ever had to go thru.. somedays i feel like this is all just a bad dream.. like it just never happened... then somedays i just wanna breakdown. but its soo hard for me to breakdown and that makes me feel so bad.. i go to her grave at least once a week and i just cant help but crying.. my arms ache so bad to hold her.. i got my results back last week and they told me there wasnt anything the test could tell me as of why we lost her.. so no signs as of what went wrong.. and i cant help but think it was my fault.. ive been smoking pot since i was 13 and before i found out i was pregnant i was still smoking and i smoked a few times while i was pregnant but i stopped.. i ate all the good foods.. listened to everything any book advice coulmn told me to do.. i did it all by the book.. but i still lost her.. i wanted her so bad it kills me inside to know that i had to lose her.. i know god took her for a reason i just wish i had some clue as to why...

my heart is broken..and somedays i just dont know what to do to help myself along... monday i went and got her lil feet tattoed along with her name and birth/death date on my shoulders and it really helped alot but it still kills me to know how bad i want to be a mommy holding my baby waking up in the middle of the night to feed her and to her laugh and cry to see her smile to even just see her eyes.. my bf never even talks about her.. i just cant tell if his happy or sad.. to me it seems like his relieved that we didnt have her.. and now after saying that i feel horrible but if he doesnt even talk about it then how am i to know anything different... when we go to the grave he just stands there and lets me cry doesnt say a word to her or nothing.. i just wanna hear him tell her he loves her just once...

I wish i had the words to say that could help... I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter... but please take solice in the fact that you always have us here at BG to talk to... and you post as much as you want...or need... there will always be that support for you...

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))


one more ((HUG))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Man that is very sad to hear. I am very sorry. I wish i could tell you something to make you feel better. Don't feel it is your fault. There is some people that do things by the book and others who don't take care of themselves at all. Its just the way God has it planned. My old best friend never took care of herself, she was still smoking crack and everything and well her baby is very healthy and well i took good care of myself and well my baby came 3 months early. I was so mad because i couldn't understand why. But don't blame yourself. And as for your bf he just might not know how to express himself. He may say he loves her but probably not out loud. Im not trying to give him an excuse at all. But i am very sorry. I hope things get better for you soon.

A happy be-lated Angel Day Miss Daisy Lynn!

I hope that she had a wonderful day with the angels...

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time Mama...   Unfortunately, it usually gets worse before it gets better...
I'm pretty sure whoever designed the "stages of grieving" thought of them in the wrong order...

Have you thought about getting some books? I went to chapters adn got a few books on grieving (specifically pregnancy and infant loss) and they were really helpful.. If you'd like I will go check the names/authors and let you know..

I'm sending you lots of hugs, I hope you are having a better day...!
- Jess