Still Sad

I had an abortion a little under 7 years ago. Me and my then boyfriend, now husband were rocky when I got the positive pregnancy test. I panicked. I found out at 11 weeks along and at the time had a few days to make my descision. I felt so pressured by my boyfriend. He said we wouldn't be able to afford it and was more worried about the cost of the abortion. I wanted to keep the baby so bad, but set the appointment anyways. I went to the clinic and had the procedure. I never coped with it. I feel awful. I still cry on the expected due date. I would never disclose this to anyone in person, because I feel so horrible about it. I need closure, but don't know how to get it. I hate my husband so much. Yet it was my choice too.

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so bad  
Is it possible to seek some professional psychiatric help? Is that something you think might help you?
I don't know if you've told your husband how you feel; but that seems like it would be the best thing to do if you haven't already.

Just from what you posted it kind of doesn't sound like it was your decision. If you didn't want it done, and were pressured into it... you didn't really choose.
Sorry I don't have much advice; I do hope you find some relief.

Why not plant something in remembrance? A rose bush or tree or something.You should probably speak to someone to help you deal with how you are feeling.

Quoting KayteB:" I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so bad   Is it possible to seek some professional psychiatric help? ... [snip!] ... done, and were pressured into it... you didn't really choose. Sorry I don't have much advice; I do hope you find some relief."

I am way to ashamed to every speak of it. I told my husband while covering my face with a pillow a year back. He cried too. But to him it wasn't a baby. To me it was.

Quoting TashaMorgan:" Why not plant something in remembrance? A rose bush or tree or something.You should probably speak to someone to help you deal with how you are feeling."

I think that is a good idea. I got a puppy to help, but it hasn't. We are in the military and move quite often. Maybe I can create something. I just wouldn't want anyone to ever ask the significance.

That's why I suggested the plants. A friend of mine lost her son almost 7 years ago and she has a tree in her back yard for him that is in a planter so she can take it with her if she ever moves. She feels that she can nurture the tree and watch it grow even though she isn't going to get to see him do the same. It's helped her a lot.

I understand the military moving, but if you still would like to do something to remember, that you don't have to leave behind when moving. I'd suggest getting a charm for a necklace or bracelet. That way, you'll have that part with you, to remember. You really should see a psychiatrist if at all possible, one you're comfortable with. Thank goodness so long as they take Tricare the military will pretty much let you choose who you would like to see. You really need to get it off your chest and it will take some time to come to terms, but I really think in the long run it will help a great deal. Your doctors are there to help, not hurt or judge and if you feel that's what they do then switch (I did at least 4x before I found the psychiatrist I see now).