if i could

I would go back. Its been 4 years since I did the worst thing I have ever done. I keep crying recently and dont really talk to anyone about how Im feeling. I know this sounds disgusting but I look up 14 weeks up on google images to see how big my baby was because i want to hurt and feel horrible because I feel like moving on is me not caring and when i got the abortion i was 13.6 weeks. I want my baby. I asked to leave after i put those pills in my mouth to dilate my cervix thay said i couldnt leave!!! They lied! My dr later told me i could have that there are ways to close the cervix and moniter and save my baby. I feel cheated I also feel like a complete horrible person. How could i have ripped that baby from the safety of my womb? I look at my 4 yr old son and 2 yr old daughter and it breaks my heart i dont have you here too. I look at my 2 year old and think sometimes does my baby look down at me from heaven and ask why i coukdnt keep him/her but could keep the next baby and the one before it? My due date was january 6th 2009. I was scared when it happened because it was the same dead beat dad my son had and i got pregnant when my son was 4 months old and i was only 19. He wasnt there for me and kept forcing his decision of abortion on me. He already wasnt here for his son and i was at home with my grandparents a single mom with no job at 19 if they had found out my son and i would have been on the streets. My husband now luckily is amazing and i met him when i would have been 9 months pregnant. So i know God brought me him to help me heal and he gave us our amazing daughter and treats my son as his own but i know he would have loved the other baby too. I feel bad for loving kids or wanting to ttc again because i feel as if i dont deserve to be happy. I feel like a horrible person. I really think i need counseling. I was diagnosed with PAS in 2008 which is post abortion stress
disorder its a form of PTSD. I havent thought i needed meds til now
. For some reason this month has been so hard its the first time in like
2 years ive really felt this again.

((hugs))

<blockquote><b>Quoting snglemama:</b>" ((hugs)) "</blockquote>




Thank u. I cant stop crying   i dont know why it hurts so bad all of the sudden. Maybe i never was really over it just supressing it

Im sorry mama   dont supress how you feel, let it all out. I hope you feel better soon!  

<blockquote><b>Quoting milo456:</b>" Im sorry mama   dont supress how you feel, let it all out. I hope you feel better soon!  "</blockquote>




Thank u. Any tips?

Naww Mumma… I’m sorry you are feeling this way!

Counseling sounds like a good idea, let it all out. In the mean time, give yourself a break. Remember; you did what was best in the situation, and I’m willing to bet it wasn’t an easy decision… Cry, scream and google if you need to, but don’t be too hard on yourself...

I'm so sorry Momma </3 This made me teary reading it.I know my SIL has a model of what her baby would have looked like in a box,and a necklace with the baby's name,and she talks to the baby in Heaven.It's helped her so much.I'm sending hugs your way Momma.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Yellow Diamond:</b>" Naww Mumma… I’m sorry you are feeling this way! Counseling sounds like a good idea, let it all out. ... [snip!] ... and I’m willing to bet it wasn’t an easy decision… Cry, scream and google if you need to, but don’t be too hard on yourself..."</blockquote>




Thank you. And it was so hard to even go. I wish there had been some help for me back then.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" I'm so sorry Momma </3 This made me teary reading it.I know my SIL has a model of what her baby would ... [snip!] ... a necklace with the baby's name,and she talks to the baby in Heaven.It's helped her so much.I'm sending hugs your way Momma."</blockquote>




Necklace sounds like something i would love to do. Thank u for the idea. Sorry she has to go through that as well

Quoting Captain Uterus ™ ツ:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" I'm so sorry Momma </3 This made me ... [snip!] ... Necklace sounds like something i would love to do. Thank u for the idea. Sorry she has to go through that as well"

She's got two other babies also.Hers are twins though.The necklace is pretty,she got it from a pregnancy loss website.It has blue and clear glass beads,and a silver heart with the name she picked out with my brother.They're really beautiful Momma.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" She's got two other babies also.Hers are twins though.The necklace is pretty,she got it from a pregnancy ... [snip!] ... has blue and clear glass beads,and a silver heart with the name she picked out with my brother.They're really beautiful Momma."</blockquote>




I never thought of naming my baby. I have always just said baby and then my maiden last name but now i will look at unisex names. I have loved the name Avery but dont know if it's unisex enough

Quoting Captain Uterus ™ ツ:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" She's got two other babies also.Hers are ... [snip!] ... then my maiden last name but now i will look at unisex names. I have loved the name Avery but dont know if it's unisex enough"

I think it is,and it's a beautiful one at that.I've met both guys and girls with it,and it's always sounded very nice on both.My brother actually was the one who told her it might be a good idea.I think it really helped her to give the baby a name.

<blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" I think it is,and it's a beautiful one at that.I've met both guys and girls with it,and it's always sounded ... [snip!] ... both.My brother actually was the one who told her it might be a good idea.I think it really helped her to give the baby a name."</blockquote>




It already feels nice looking at names and thinking about the fact it makes me feel like im making him or her a real person to me and to wear something i can tie to the baby would be very theraputic for me i think

Quoting Captain Uterus ™ ツ:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" I think it is,and it's a beautiful one ... [snip!] ... im making him or her a real person to me and to wear something i can tie to the baby would be very theraputic for me i think"

It makes the whole thought more complete,and whole,and easier to deal with.I didn't abort,but I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks,and I got a necklace made with the baby's name,and even though I don't wear it(for fear it will get broken) I think it helped me come to terms with the loss.

Quoting Captain Uterus ™ ツ:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Charlie'sMomma:</b>" I think it is,and it's a beautiful one ... [snip!] ... im making him or her a real person to me and to wear something i can tie to the baby would be very theraputic for me i think"

This is a beautiful idea