posted 13th Apr '12
June of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. My bf and I had suspected it but I had taken tests and they all came out negative. I was sick up all night and day throwing up, my aunt made me take a test, it was positive. She called my mom and had her come over right away. I couldnt stop crying, I was pregnant and 15 years old. What was I going to do? My cousin asked me what was wrong (she was 7) and before I could say anything my aunt cut in and said "she is sick, she has a stomach bug." A bug? A baby is not a bug, how dare she say that to me. As soon as my mom got home and we told her she was on the phone with the clinic setting up an appointment. Couldnt we talk about it? I mean didnt I have some sort of say? No I had no say, I was cut off from the world, wasent allowed to talk to my best friend, I wasent allowed to have my phone or anything. I was alone and felt even more alone as my mom told all of her friends what was going on. I was over and over again sat down by my mother and friends and talked down to, told that I was a child and would be treated as one in having no say over this huge decision in my life. A few days before my appointment a close friend of my moms came over (she had not been filled in on the situaition) she announced she was expecting and I was forced to sit and listen to all of the people who were ashamed of me be excited for her. Sure our situations were totally different, she was married, had a job etc but I was being punished for something I simply wasent educated properly on. The day of my appointment my mom drove me to the clinic same in to sign the papers and left me. She left me alone at 15 years old to go through something I didnt understand or nessicarily want. Before she left though she said to me "dont you dare tell anyone you werent givin a choice, you say you wanted this and that you have no doubts." Ill never forget her saying that. But I couldnt do it. As I sat in the room with the doctor and she was explaining to me the process she asked if I had any doubts. I couldnt lie. I told her I felt uninformed about my options and I wasent sure this is what I wanted. She gave me packets of information and sent me home. The way everyone looked at me when I got home still pregnant was awful. I felt so ashamed of myself for getting pregnant in the first place and then not being strong enough to just do it, to just have the abortion. My mom made me another appointment for 3 days later. I made her sit down with me and talk about it, I think I always knew that aboriton was the best choice for the situation but I wanted to be heard. I wanted to feel like I made the decision. When I went back to the clinic the doctor talked to me extra long and kept making sure I was sure this was what I wanted. I told her the truth again, that I dream of what it would be like to have this baby, that I wanted to keep it but I knew that I wasent capible and that this was the best choice for me. I was the first girl to go to surgery that day. July 2007, 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant I layed on that table, accepted every drug they offered to dull the feeling, the memory and still felt and can recall every moment of it.
Today I am 26 weeks and 5 days pregnant, due in July with a sweet baby boy. Im married to an amazing man who does everything within his power to provide for me and our son. I have never been happier and I wouldnt change a thing but sometimes I cant help but wonder where I would be today If I had never followed through with my abortion. What would my child be like? at around 4 years old now who would he or she be? Would I still have ended up with my husband? etc.
Thank you to anyone who gave the time to read this. I finally have a voice and a say in my future and life.