I have to get it out.. TMI and super long.
posted 11th Apr '12
NO QUOTING PLEASE
If you read my last post you will know that I made the decision to take the RU-486 pill. I haven't done it yet, but I have called the place and talked to someone about it. I have also e-mailed a few other places. I know this is what I want.. but gosh it's like it is already taking a toll on me..
My past I have been through a lot of things. I feel like I truly need to get some things out. I am only going to keep this up for a moment so I ask everyone please DO NOT QUOTE ME. I just feel like if I type this all out and then take it back down I will feel better. I know that this is a public website, but I feel kind of safe and compelled at that to type some things out.
When I was four years old my 13 and 10 year old cousins used to play games with me where they would tie me down and force themselves on me. They would fondle me and hump me and grabbed me and scratch me and lick me and everything else. I didn't know what all of this meant I was four. Needless to say I forgot it all by the time I hit puberty, until I started having the dreams of it. I remembered it all so clear and it came back to me. I remember that I had a white day-bed and they used to push my under it and line boxes up around all the edges so no one could see what they were doing to me. When my mom came in the room, they told me to tell her that we were just playing hide-n-seek and that they found me or just to not even tell her that they were under there period. I remember when the older one made me kiss him and I didn't even know how to. I cried and felt so stupid while they laughed at me under this cold bed. The younger one used to make me fondle his prepubescent penis and I didn't even know what this thing was supposed to do. Or why he had one of these and I didn't. My emotions came flooding back to me in all these dreams, and now I knew why i was so uncomfortable around them all these years, and why they were so quiet when I entered the room. I even tried to confront the young one when I was older and he completely ignored me. I dropped it and never really told anyone. Growing up past that from 6-9 I remember that my sister had a boyfriend named Brandon. She liked him so much. My sister was 6 years older than me. and she was curious about sex. She decided to try things out on me. I remember this everyday and always will for the rest of my life. You used to make me get on top of her and hump her until she was done or satisfied I guess and she would call me by his name. I would cry. i felt so gross and i didn't even know why I felt so guilty. She wouldn't ever bring it up. and everytime I tried to talk to her about it during the day, she denied it. Then when night comes, the same thing happened. Now that I think back at it, and this even grosses me out. The only time my sister ever showed me any kind of affection was during those encounters. I realize now that I even started initiating them at only 7 years old because I thought that they would make her happy. When I was 8-10 I had a best friend named Taylor. We did everything together and I was always at her house. Her dad was a really bad drunk and half the time all you smelt was beer and heard his slurring words and sluggish boots when he would trample in at night. They had a pull out couch that I had to sleep on because Taylor's bed was only a twin and it was uncomfortable for both of us. So taylor agreed to sleep on the couch with me so we could watch movies all night. When her dad came in that night he yelled at her and told her that she had her own room. I know that he came and laid on the couch with me, and he rubbed my back and told me that I could think of him like a dad and to just go to sleep. I asked him why he was rubbing my back (I was voicy) and he told me to be quiet or i had to walk home. I honestly can't remember anything else that happened that night. When I turned 15 I got my first boyfriend. His name was Andrew. I had never even kissed a boy, smoked a cigarette, I had only took a sip of beer from my daddy's can with permission and I had straight A's. I was all around the good girl. Until the day he told me that he wanted to have sex. I wasn't ready and I told him that I wasn't. But we went into his closet anyways. His friend Hunter had gave him a condom that day and he had already suited up in the bathroom and put it back in his pants. He pulled it out and asked me to bend over. i said I didn't want to get in trouble bc his parents were on the front porch. I knew that it was going to hurt and I expressed my concerns of pain to him througholy. He was unmoved. He sat down his back flat against one wall and his feet touching the other, erected in the air. and pulled my shoudlers down. He said I'm sorry. and I kissed him. He then shoved me on it. i cried and tried to get up. but he was so strong and he held my shoulders down shoving my down harder. I started bleeding everywhere. He was scared at the sight of all of my blood. He immediatley stopped and got up. He went to the bathroom. I said nothing to him but I told his mom I started my period and needed to go home. I lived right down the street. So I walked to my house blood dripping down my legs and tears down my cheeks. I didn't know what to say to my mom, so I just told her I was cramping really bad and started my period. I had never had a period before this so she went to the store for pads. I sat in the shower for what felt like 5 days and just cried. I wanted to wash everything away. I wanted that pain to go away. What he did, what he said, the force he used, the unmoved facial expressions, the tears that stained my cheeks, the blood on my shorts. It seemed like no matter how hard I scrubbed my body that it never felt clean. I couldn't stop crying and I just wanted to hide from the world. When I finally got out of the shower I went to my mom's room and laid with her. I told her that I just didn't feel good and wanted to be with her. She didn't know, and I felt so guilty, I couldn't tell her. But I had to. I remember the day I did. I had been so mean to my dad, and all my guy friends and everything that had to do with guys. I blamed every guy for this one's decision. When my mom finally asked me what was wrong, I fell to my knees and started crying. I said I'm not a virgin anymore. I'm so sorry and I couldn't stop crying. She just held me and held me and told me that it was going to be okay. She asked me why I was so upset about it and I told her that I just felt guilty. I didn't want to get introuble for not telling her the few days that I didn't. Nor did I know how to go about telling her.. I finally got the guts to break up with this guy even though I hadn't spoken to him in days. He had already moved on. I didn't care. In less than a month, i found another guy. His name was Steven. He was perfect. tall tan, dark girly hair, green eyes and a beautiful smile with a great laugh and sense of humor. I thought I was in love at first sight. We started dating and it was so perfect. He treated me so well and I thought I really found love. Until one day, I said the wrong thing. He shoved his fists as hard as he could into my collar bones. and pushed my into a fall with them. It hurt so bad. I couldn't cry. I didn't even know what to do. I knew he had a temper but I never thought that he would lay his hands on me. But he did. and on came the bruises, the broken bones, the cuts, the tears, the sleepless nights, and my hopeless thoughts. Why was he like this to me? I would ask him and he told me that I just needed to learn a lesson. and that he only did this because he loved me. I believed him. How stupid of me to believe him. I weighed 127 lbs and I stood 5'4. He was 195 lbs and stood 6'4. He was basically double of me. I remember one time, I hit 130 lbs and he beat the ever living smurf out of me. He told me that I was too fat and that I was ugly. No one would ever want me. He used to make me stand on a scale and weight myself and if I ever hit 130 again that i would regret it. I was so scared of his threats. I tried not eating, I tried throwing up, I tried running all the time, and finally I turned to drugs of any kind. But through all of my attempts to lose weight I started gaining it. Eventually i hit 140 lbs. my biggest size yet and he was livid. It was the first time he had ever smacked me in the face. When that happened, I was on the scale in my mothers bathroom, and i don't know what hit me (besides his hand) but something clicked. I didn't want to take this anymore. I grabbed my dad's scissors he used on his mustache and burie them deep into the flesh right under his left collarbone. Aiming for his heart. He just stared at me, didn't flinch and went to go hit. I grabbed his hand with all my might and his throat with my other and literally picked him off of the ground and choked him until he started turning purple. I said with gritted teeth "If you ever lay a hand on me again, I will not miss your heart next time" as soon as I said that I ran out of my house and just ran and ran and ran. until I found a safe place to hide in a bush. He came looking for me but never found me. I dumped him. I vowed to myself that this would never happen again. I lied to myself. I saw him one more time. i was with my best friend Alex and we were in an abandoned trailor. Despite her warnings and the mental warnings I was receiving. I went into a room alone with him. He started talking and out of no where he took my body and threw me like a rag doll into the closet door of the room, at which that point it broke in half and I was out cold. I woke up to my friend banging on the door and him zipping his pants up. I asked what happened. He never replied. I was actually on my period at the time. and what I saw in the vent in the ground was terrifying. It was a bloody tampon. Fresh blood. I felt pains immediatley. and wetness through my pants. I went home and told no one. When I confronted him, he denied doing anything. I couldn't take it anymore. On February 5, 2010 I took 81 sleeping pills and texted my best guy friend (who lived with us at the time) that I loved him and I hope everything goes well with his gf. He thought it was weird so he called. Everything after that was a blur and all I know is waking up 5 days later strapped to a bed in ICU of a childrens hospital with a tube down my nose, a catheder, and an oxygen mask. I started crying. The tears were of fear of what my parents would say, regret that I did it, and sorrow that I did not succeed at it. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that in a maximum security unit 5 hours away from home. I was so alone. Then I had a dream. Of a little boy. He called me mommy and told me that it would be okay. I told my guard the next morning that I woke up that I think I am pregnant. I took a test and nothing. When I finally went home I kept taking tests and taking tests and nothing happened, They were all negative. I took a total of 4 urine and 3 blood tests. I knew they were all wrong. I knew my feeling in my stomach. and the worst part is I knew whose it would be. His. Steven's. Finally my mom took me to the health department for a refill on my birth control she had started me on after Andrew for just in case. The woman asked me the date of my last period. The day was March 8, 2010. and my last period was January 28, 2010. The day before HE did it. She asked if I was pregnant and I said no. She said that she had to do a mandatory test anyways. The test came back positive and all I could do was cry. My mom sat in the chair looking to the ceiling. But I knew what I had to do. and I knew that this precious baby in my stomach would change me. I knew it was a little boy and I knew that I would love him so much. So I decided to keep him. He gave me courage to get away from this guy and quit the drugs, and purging, and unhealthy lifestyle. Most importantly he brought me closer to my mother and to my Lord. I couldn't thank him enough for it. I feel that without him I wouldn't be the person I am today... I guess in getting all of this out, I can now focus on what is right. I can't help but feel so guilty for the decision I have made. Why has this decision brought back to surface all of these unpleasant times in my life? I'm thinking that maybe it is something I am trying to get through and now I have to deal with it all. I can't help but cringe at every drop of a penny and every raised voice because it brings me back to these times. Will any of these feelings get better? Will this guilt I feel for myself reside? and will the emotions of the past keep surfacing? I never knew how much that this could weigh on me. But honestly now I feel so much better getting it out. I don't think that anyone will get this far. But thank you if you did. It helped so much to write this. I am ready to move ahead with my decision and leave the past behind me.