posted 4th Apr '12
this is going to be an odd post....
im using this account because i have friends on here that are pro life and i dont want them to know i had an abortion.
well, i used to be pro life too...
i was pregnant once and through horrible decisions i made i lost the baby. this was before i was even mature enough to face things like this, so at first i was thankful. then i hated myself for thinking like that. really bad....
well all those emotions i guess couldn't process into anything but sadness for any baby lost, and mother who faced that decision, so i became pro life.
well before i articulated that opinion a good friend of mine had an abortion. it broke my heart but i was there for her. i didn't want her to feel the way i did. she is so much more sensitive too....
well sooner or later, like months later regarding a completely different conversation i came out and said that im pro life. she took it as judgment against her, and thats not what i felt. god i loved her....
i wanted to protect her....
anyway, at the end of that year i got pregnant again, and abortion was not a choice for me. i couldnt face that again. we were in no situation to be having a child, my SO and i lived in an appt, while i went to school full time and he had just graduated and couldnt find work yet.
he begged me to get an abortion, never put too much pressure on me but i knew what he wanted. he said he just wanted me, that we weren't ready to be parents. i cant explain it, but its like i felt so empty since my miscarriage and now i wasnt. (i was not ttc for the record)
anyway, since then we moved to his parents town, he got a job. its a small town without much going for it. I had my baby, and everything was good. hes a great father. wonderful....
well i got a real job 8 months later back near the city, so because my job was better we moved halfway there. i kept pressuring him to marry me, after all he is spending an extra 90 bucks a week on his health insurance while i have family through my job already. we live together and have for years, we have a kid, split the bills, we just work together.
makes sense right?
well he just doesnt want to marry me.
untill two years later he just all of a sudden does. okay, im happy. again, im happy.
well were looking for a house, planning on getting married and i get pregnant. lets backtrack the past two years....since i have had my son and cut ties with that good friend of mine, i have been really working on being pro-choice. a lot.
i have a new friend at work, she is amazing. i have worked through it with her, trying to get over my emotions, and seeing the logical side of things. the thing that tipped the boat i think are these recent debates on womens health. i guess the logic just snapped....smurf if anyone is going to be in charge of a decision like that for families that cant afford more children, that get trapped in a hole, etc.
well anyway i get pregnant, and a feeling i did not expect over came me. I didnt want this baby. i know SO wont. we have too much on our plates, i dont want to go through another pregnancy...have another child. its not for us.
it really doesnt matter.
i struggled for a few days thinking i would beat myself up but it hasnt happend. i made the right decision and i dont care.....like at all.
the thing that gets me....why couldnt i do this before???
im so selfish!
SO.....he has put up with so much and i haven't even realized it. im starting to think he didnt want to marry me because all this, though over the course of a few years, was too fast. i FORCED him into this life. its not like he would turn his back on his child, but he didnt want this life.
i made him get his crappy job so he could support our family, and i made him move halfway so he would have to travel so i could support the family.
im making him get a new job so we can travel less and spend less money on daycare.....
I mean, without LO, who knows where we would be now. we've both said we wouldn't be together, and i think i tied him down. don't get me wrong, i live LO and i love SO, especially after realizing all he has sacrificed.
I have seriously let my emotions get in the way of his life, and my friendship with my old friend. it was none of my business to want to help her, or what i thought was help. it was none of my business to be scared or hurt for her. now i cant even say im sorry....
I know some pro lifers are going to think this is smurfed up logic, but im glad i got pregnant again, and im glad i had the abortion.
it really made me see things in a new light.
what do you guys think?
can i fix this? how do i show my appreciation for a man like this'? i mean....im so lucky. i know he loves me, but we almost broke up just last year...a few months before he asked me to marry him...because he resents me. i didnt even put it together, i just felt sorry for myself...
posted 4th Apr '12
Quoting Ashley Vetter:"
nope. not even once.
if i carried a baby to term i would bond with it.
why would i put everyone around me and myself through that heartbreak, or force my family to strain its resources even more by having a child?
i think you missed the point of this post. i realized for the first time that abortion isnt selfish, forcing infants on people and situations that they dont belong is selfish.
thanks for the alternative though.
posted 4th Apr '12
Quoting The Doctor:" I do not think she is currently pregnant. Or that's what I gather. She's talking about the past."
thanks, i just want to articulate it very well so that he really gets that i get it, you know?
does what im saying make sense? like the story line? how i felt seemed so relevant, now its just....
im such an ass.
and yes, i took the first pill yesterday, and actually im supposed to take the second set right now, but im waiting for SO to get home because i have LO and that will suck balls, or so im told.
posted 4th Apr '12
Quoting BG Secrets:" thanks, i just want to articulate it very well so that he really gets that i get it, you know? does ... [snip!] ... to take the second set right now, but im waiting for SO to get home because i have LO and that will suck balls, or so im told."
Yes, I understand. Sometimes it's hard to articulate your feelings, especially with a long past, especially when there's something emotional going on.
I would just keep reiterating it to him. Explain as best you can, wait, explain again. Let him know that you appreciate him for being there, and if you still have fears, tell him that, too.
Be patient with yourself, hun. You're not an ass. <3
posted 4th Apr '12
Quoting The Doctor:" Yes, I understand. Sometimes it's hard to articulate your feelings, especially with a long past, especially ... [snip!] ... him for being there, and if you still have fears, tell him that, too. Be patient with yourself, hun. You're not an ass. <3"
thanks so much.
and i know, i have the best friends in the world. the newer one ive been working with, she is soooo excepting. after having so many debates that literally came down to me admitting, yes, im pro-choice for all concerns except that it hurts too much. well, she was there for me, she didnt question my choice at all, didnt seem suprised...she just bought me hot coco haha.
SO keeps asking if im okay with my decision and idk what to say...
thats why im trying to figure this out. i mean, hes not perfect but damn...he is amazing.
I just wish i were in a better place years ago. my old friend. loosing her was so hard on me. i still dream about her. last night i had a dream i said i was sorry.