re: step kids :/ (please read..long) helllllp

Quoting Rae's mama *USMC*:" <blockquote><b>Quoting Jheri Ames:</b>" Yes, you are wrong for feeling this way because ... [snip!] ... and she has every right to feel this way!!!! OP they need therapy..... Honestly if I was you I would have lost it by now!"

i feel as tho they are out of control too ..its hard to explain my sitaution over the internet but i want things to change..and for the better before they get worse.

<blockquote><b>Quoting BG Secrets:</b>" you are absolutely right... i just sometimes get caught up with what they say...even my DH says you are taking what a 12 yr old says to heart...idk why but i do... they are older 14, 12, 11"</blockquote>



I had step kids before and they were completely disrespectful at times and my own daughter is almost 17. The things I've heard..... lol. Chances are those kids are angry and hurt and don't know how to express themselves so they lash out at you. Its hard to not be hurt by it... but you have to keep in mind that you are the adult and they are the children. But I know how hard it is to treat them the same as your own when they talk to you the way they do. Just try to keep in mind that they are still kids and dealing with their feelings and are directing their anger at the wrong person.

Coming from the childrens perspective, i have been there.
While i wasn't technically abandoned by my mother, she shipped me off to live with a father i hadn't seen since i was 7 , then he turned around got remarried moved to new york for a job and left me with his wife, whom i had only known 3 months, I felt utterly abandondedby both of my parents and i lashed out even more.
So not only were your step-kids abandoned by thier mom, they probably feel abandoned by thier father too. Its extremely hard to change the behavior of teens and preteens .
I agree that counseling individual, and family including thier dad is a must. Do you ever try and sit down with them individually and just talk about things, how they are feeling, thier anger towards everything? getting it all out on the table might help.
Also, in regards to them threatening to call the cops, let them. Either A - they'll do it and get reamed by the cops for calling, or B- you'll call thier bluff and maybe cut some of the bull-smurf.
I feel for you AND your step-kids, It's probably an overwhelming situation for all of you.
*sorry that was so long *

Quoting ... :/ ...:" Those kids need discipline and therapy, but you also need family therapy. It's not right for you to get ... [snip!] ... than you do for them. If their mother is the problem is it possible to cut her out of the picture or do supervised visits?"

their mother has no rights to them and no visitation until she can remain sober for 1 yr ...yet she cant follow these rules she lured the kids last summer spent weeks with them when they said they would be at friends playing they would check in so i thought nothing of it. she put them in a huge amount of danger. she uses meth and prostitutes.
i wish we could just cut her out but since she came back and spent time with them she filled their heads with lies about me saying i was the reason ehr and their father werent together..she left him 11yrs ago, for drugs.

Quoting Mom to M&J:" Coming from the childrens perspective, i have been there. While i wasn't technically abandoned by my ... [snip!] ... I feel for you AND your step-kids, It's probably an overwhelming situation for all of you. *sorry that was so long *"

thank you ...it is pretty overwhelming but from what most ladies are saying i should go ahead and do the counseling...i should set up the appt now. i really do hope this helps...i would love to be treated like a mother and not their babysitter.

they are around the teen years... well teens are difficult and defient anyways, I called the cops on my parents once when I was around 14... you know what the cops did.. nothing, other then tell my parents that I had called them.. which got me grounded

Quoting BG Secrets:" i try not to treat them differently..i do ...my kids get disciplined the same if not more than my step ... [snip!] ... the " we dont have to listen to you you arent our mother!" yet they call me mom and when they need something i am the best!"

Don't buy things for only your kids!!! If your sis buys things just for your kids, tell the children (in front of ALL of them) that because there not enough to go around, they either need to share it or take it away. The step kids will see you treating everyone fairly and they'll notice. The bio kids getting more stuff than them is the easiest way to make them resentful.
You can't just tell them they need to respect you. You earn it. If they pull the 'you're not my mom' thing, say you're right, I'm not. But I'm in charge of you and I love you like a mother should.

Quoting IMHO:" Just want to share with you what my kids' psychologist shared with me when they were recovering from ... [snip!] ... With steady work with the therapist we made it through. They're great kids now. Good luck OP! I hope you can work this out!"

thank you for sharing that!!! i can see now that they do need help more than ever before it gets worse and im sure it will...they are at those teen yrs which are so hard!

Quoting BG Secrets:" thank you ...it is pretty overwhelming but from what most ladies are saying i should go ahead and do ... [snip!] ... should set up the appt now. i really do hope this helps...i would love to be treated like a mother and not their babysitter."

And the sad thing is, that may never happen. Especially with the oldest. Finding the right counselor with probably take some time too. It took my mom and i 7 different thrapist before we found one that was right for us. Keep your head up mama!

Quoting -BLT-:" Don't buy things for only your kids!!! If your sis buys things just for your kids, tell the children ... [snip!] ... pull the 'you're not my mom' thing, say you're right, I'm not. But I'm in charge of you and I love you like a mother should. "

That is the worst thing she could say, what she should counter with is "I may not have grown you and birthed you and it may not be my blood in your veins but you are in my heart, I worry about you, I take care of you, I love you and I will always be here for you and that makes me your mom."

Solidifying that she is not their mom will not help the situation she needs to make them realise that giving birth does not make you a mom.

thank you ladies for the advice and support...
the kids and i will be doing counseling i have it set up for next week i just hope they can break through this behavior and see me as a mom ...their bio has wrecked them in so may ways i hope they can heal from it...because their acting out is really tearing me down..
not to mention the abuse they inflict on their 4 younger siblings that are biologically mine. i just hate seeing hurt the little kids that love them so so much!
and another thing that hurts is the mean things they say to me i know they are just kids and i shouldnt take it to heart but i do and i cant help it sometimes. ive been thinking how i can control that part of me but i guess it will come with time and age...(i am younger and maybe thats why they dont respect me as much?) but ive been in their life for over 7yrs straight ive been here.

Good luck. It's hard. There's no guide for how to be a step mother, and I can tell you want to do the right thing. Hopefully one day the kids will ALL see that

Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" That is the worst thing she could say, what she should counter with is "I may not have grown you and ... [snip!] ... that she is not their mom will not help the situation she needs to make them realise that giving birth does not make you a mom."

i have said that to them...ive never said im not your mom because i didnt give birth to you ...but i have said.
your biological mother or tabitha i never say mom because she isnt their mom, may have given you life but i am the one that is caring for you and making sure you have a life while she is out doing her thing..

i hope they know i love them...i also need to learn to be more affectionate to
them...i try to be lovey dovey to them but it never comes out right...

Quoting BG Secrets:" their mother has no rights to them and no visitation until she can remain sober for 1 yr ...yet she ... [snip!] ... their heads with lies about me saying i was the reason ehr and their father werent together..she left him 11yrs ago, for drugs."

I'd make sure to keep them away from her from now on then, i know it might seem impossible but i'd just be too afraid to risk it especially if she's willing to be a dumbass and put them in that much danger just to make them hate you.

Couldn't you get her in trouble for being around them since she hasn't met the requirements to be around them?

Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" That is the worst thing she could say, what she should counter with is "I may not have grown you and ... [snip!] ... that she is not their mom will not help the situation she needs to make them realise that giving birth does not make you a mom."

This!!
My step-mom said that once to me," I know i'm not your mom". I snickered, said " you proved my point" and left for 3 days.
I even got pleasure out of making her angry, seeing her get pissed and sad gave me pure joy, its quite disturbing looking back at it now