re: step kids :/ (please read..long) helllllp

Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" You do not just flat out get respect it has to be earned, even as the parental figure you have to earn ... [snip!] ... a world of difference to take the focus off the bad stuff and put it on the good stuff, no matter how small the good stuff is."

i understand this and thank you for your advice.
ya know i have tried positive reinforcement but i should try harder. i tend to look at the bad with EVERYTHING not just them i need to focus on the good things more. it could help.

It is apparent they need help and so do you. Question is how to go about it and what kind of help! You are alone and seems like you are scared of these children instead of them being scared of you. As for when the computer was taken, I would have called the cops and had them scare the crap out him so he would return it to you without you having to give him his stuff back. There are ways around things but learning how to deal with it and be the smarter one is the question. For what ever reason, somewhere and somehow, you ended up being the one they hate, but have you tried to change that with them? It seems as though you need to take your kids and bring them somewhere else and sit down with the step kids to get a hold of things. Your DH can only support you from where he is, so suck it up and take control. Conseling needs to be for all of you including your kids too and yourself. You have got to get to the bottom of things and see why they hate you soooo much. Cops will back you up as long as you did not hit the kids. Spanking and hitting are two different things. I have a step son and I know how different it is. I too, have a hard time and he is 9 but he knows not to mess with me. Sounds like your step kids are spoiled and use to getting their way! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! You can email me anytime if you come across a situation and need advice on what to do...I am a master mine to figure things out to help out both sides. wildcatbusted@yahoo.com Email me anytime!

Quoting BG Secrets:" i try not to treat them differently..i do ...my kids get disciplined the same if not more than my step ... [snip!] ... the " we dont have to listen to you you arent our mother!" yet they call me mom and when they need something i am the best!"

Well look at how they're being put last while your kids are being favored, IMO if you can't get something for all of them none of them should get anything. I know if that was me it'd be hurt, because you are the ONLY mother figure these kids have.

Quoting BG Secrets:" i try not to treat them differently..i do ...my kids get disciplined the same if not more than my step ... [snip!] ... the " we dont have to listen to you you arent our mother!" yet they call me mom and when they need something i am the best!"

tell your sister that if she gets your kids something, your step-kids should have something to. All or nothing. I can understand them getting upset about that.


I'd take a day, with just one or two of them, leave your kids at a babysitter, and do something they want to do. Dedicate a whole day to them to show that you care

Quoting Jheri Ames:" What about those kids not having a Mother? This is what's wrong with society. People have kids and then ... [snip!] ... not trying to be insensitive but I loathe the way you speak as if your kids hold some sort of precedence over your "step kids"."

Op did not give birth to these children and had no obligation to them until she married their father. And NO it is not the same! It takes a strong woman to care for children that are not her own and she does it willingly and with love. But it would take a toll of anyone to go through what OP has gone through with these kids. And her DH should not be leaving all the responsibility of raising his children on her shoulders! And is it right that by devoting all her energy and time on these troubled kids that her own children should suffer as a result? OP might have a responsibility to these children as their step mother but once every option is exhausted and she has reached her mental breaking point what then?

Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" I think some family counselling could help, these kids were abandoned by their mother and could be pushing ... [snip!] ... to remember that they are kids, they will test boundaries and push your buttons, you have to remain composed and in control."

i think sooner than later we should do the counseling..
i tried other things too like gym membership so we can as a family do something fun..but they never want to go.. but you did say it perfectly...they will test their boundries...and i have a short fuse but i need to learn to remain composed like you said

I would be furious if someone in my family bought my (as yet unborn) child something for any occasion other than her birthday and didn't bring something for my step children.

Quoting BG Secrets:" i try not to treat them differently..i do ...my kids get disciplined the same if not more than my step ... [snip!] ... the " we dont have to listen to you you arent our mother!" yet they call me mom and when they need something i am the best!"

well why don't you buy something for everyone? even if its not something expensive?! I think they deserve to get stuff too. What are their interest? If you have girls maybe take them out for a day to get "pampered" with manicures and stuff. With the boy, take him to do boy things! If kids feel "different" they will show it.

I love my stepson and I hug him every time I'm around him and tell him such. But things are different with him. I just came into his life at 8. He is now 9. Its harder to find a bond with him but I plan stuff that peaks his interest. He like clothes (not picky yet) and certain toys he still plays with. If i buy something for my daughter, I call and ask him if he wants anything. You have to play fair.

Quoting BG Secrets:" i try not to treat them differently..i do ...my kids get disciplined the same if not more than my step ... [snip!] ... the " we dont have to listen to you you arent our mother!" yet they call me mom and when they need something i am the best!"

they are pushing you away, they believe you will leave them just like their bio mum and they are trying to prove it to themselves.

You have to find a way to ignore their behavior and be the parent. If you're the one in charge, you need to make the rules and discipline. They sound as if they're a little older, so it may be hormones, and pain from what they've been through with their mother.

Bottom line, is you have to ignore their words and behavior even though it may be hard, and keep going being their parent.

Quoting Alicia Higgins:" It is apparent they need help and so do you. Question is how to go about it and what kind of help! You ... [snip!] ... on what to do...I am a master mine to figure things out to help out both sides. wildcatbusted@yahoo.com Email me anytime!"

thank you!!! if i feel like this again and need help youre on the list to be getting emailed lol
but thank you for the advice!

Quoting Man. Bear. Pig.:" You have to find a way to ignore their behavior and be the parent. If you're the one in charge, you need ... [snip!] ... Bottom line, is you have to ignore their words and behavior even though it may be hard, and keep going being their parent. "

you are absolutely right...
i just sometimes get caught up with what they say...even my DH says you are taking what a 12 yr old says to heart...idk why but i do...
they are older 14, 12, 11

Quoting BG Secrets:" i understand this and thank you for your advice. ya know i have tried positive reinforcement but ... [snip!] ... try harder. i tend to look at the bad with EVERYTHING not just them i need to focus on the good things more. it could help."

I was the archetypal "bad kid", I always seemed to be getting in smurf for something and eventually I just decided to do what the hell I wanted since I was going to get in smurf all the time anyway. It became a viscous cycle. My mum never gave a smurf as much as you evidentially do so there is definitely hope. No one wants to live in a constant fight, it just needs that initial cease fire for the situation to turn around.

Quoting 1inpink1inblue:" Op did not give birth to these children and had no obligation to them until she married their father. ... [snip!] ... these children as their step mother but once every option is exhausted and she has reached her mental breaking point what then?"

I think there is a fundamental difference between how you see this and I do. These are children, she married these children when she married DH. If she can't care for them fairly, then she shouldn't, but you can't blame these kids for the awful roller coaster they've been put on. I don't know if she's a SAHM, but I know that in MY LIFE (which is probably completely different from hers) if my SO is taking care of bills and finances by working, I take on the full responsibility of caring for our children, whether they're mine biologically or not. if my SO was willing to have it any other way, I wouldn't have children with him, because I wouldn't want him to put anyone over our child ever, and if I knew he could, I wouldn't risk it. Does that make sense? Anyways, I'm not saying you're wrong. but these does seem like a fundamental difference

Quoting Bovine Burlesque:" they are pushing you away, they believe you will leave them just like their bio mum and they are trying to prove it to themselves."

and i tried telling them over and over i wont leave like she did i have always told them that...even tho sometimes i wish i could but this is the reason why i dont because i have taken responsibility for them when i married their dad and by me doing what their bio did i would be just as bad if not worse. but they know i love them...they call me mom...but its the in between where we need to get our smurf together