Needed to let some things off my chest:(

So, I am not even sure where to start but I need to vent a little.
I had an abortion with the abortion pill back in July.
After saying that I really don't know what else to say. I don't want to use the word regret but I am not quite sure how I feel.

I was with my fiance (husband now) and he really wanted to have it. I on the other hand was completely scared and pushed him to support me with my decision.

I don't have a career and somewhat struggle financially. I already have a son who will be 3 in March and the thought of having another child and still not being prepared to take care of the child I already have completely horrified me.
My fiance begged me and after some time of crying and trying to figure it out I decided to do it. I remember sitting in the waiting room with him and deciding to back out and then I went back on my decision and did it anyways. My at home experience was very scary and pretty graphic so I won't go into that but I do believe it is something I probably need to see a therapist about.

I am literally rambling here but I need to get this out somehow.
I feel horrible for my husband because in a recent argument I blew up on him and basically said he was the reason I made that decision, my exact words were "If you hadn't screwed your life up and wasn't so bad in debt I might have kept our baby".

 ((((( I feel terrible and it made him cry. I am in such a deep depression it is ridiculous I need to fix my anger and sadness. He has been pushing me to try and wants a baby so badly. I have gained thirty pounds and have not been myself in a while.

Anyways, I really hope none of this makes me sound like a terrible person. I just needed to vent

I'm very sorry you're struggling so much.

NONE of that made you look like a terrible person. I do think you should talk to someone about this though. It's going to be really hard to let go of that resentment against your hubby if you don't.

you really should talk to someone about it mama. and maybe that arguement was the point where you and your DH really let your true feelings out about it. hold each other and cry and tell eaqch other the truth. he loves you im sure he will help you get thru it the same you you can help him..

Quoting *AmberStrass*:" NONE of that made you look like a terrible person. I do think you should talk to someone about this though. It's going to be really hard to let go of that resentment against your hubby if you don't."

Now that I have insurance I have made a few appointments. So hopefully that will help. I know it is both of our jobs to take care of our family finacially etc I just guess I have some jealousy there because in his last marriage he had a better job and his credit was perfect he had tons of credit cards. Him and his ex ran up 30k in debt and now we are stuck paying it off and actually have to file bankruptcy asap. I know I made the choice but as messed up as it sounds I do believe my decision may have been different without all this financial concern  idk its just a big mess

Sounds like your having a hard time coping but you need to focus on the reason on why you decided to do what you did. You mentioned that you dont have a career and your struggling finacially, now is your chance to pick yourself up and acheive those things. Good luck Mama.

Rachel's Vineyard Retreat has helped many of my friends find peace and serenity after their abortions. I highly recommend calling them. Take care   http://www.rachelsvineyard.org/

BTW they can also give financial assistance if necessary.