Heart broken and don't know how to deal with it (long)

Not sure exactly where to start.

My heart feels like it is going to break into a million pieces.

Tomorrow I should be 20 weeks pregnant with baby #3, and we were all so very, very happy.

I had a regular prenatal check up, I was 19 weeks, Tuesday November 29th. My Dr. was having a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat so he thought maybe baby was in a hard to hear spot. He said he felt absolutely no cause for concern, as the bleeding I had been having at 14 weeks had completely stopped for at least 2 weeks already.
He called to the Ultrasound tech to get me in for an ultrasound just to check on baby's heart rate.
On Wednesday November, 30th, I had my ultrasound at 3:15pm. My wonderful hubby who was at home on a week of holidays, as well as our 2 daughters went for the ultrasound. My girls were so excited to be able to see baby again.
My ultrasound tech didn't say much at first, just that she would be doing a quick check for the heart rate. I was kind of curious as it seemed she had been doing some measurements, which she said she didn't need to do. She then gave me the devastating news.

Our poor sweet little baby had stopped growing around 16 weeks.  
I had just heard the heart beat at 16 weeks and one day when I saw my Dr for a quick blood pressure check. It had been a little bit high, which wasn't any different than my 2 pregnancies with my daughters, but he started me on a low dose of blood pressure medication just to be on the safe side.

We went to my Dr on December 1st, at 10:30am, and he informed me that since I was so far along already, baby was too big to do a D&C.
We then got to the hospital just after 1:00pm. My Dr. placed the first 2 of the pills to soften my cervix, and then 4 hours later 1 more. He was in at 12:00am of December 2nd, and inserted what would have been the 4th and final pill.
The contractions were not unbearable that I was having, felt more like really strong period cramps. Around 2:45am, I went to the washroom. I had a contraction as I was using the washroom, so waited for it to stop after wiping myself, before I stood up. Well after I stood up I had a really, really strong contraction which caused me to sit back down. I am so very glad that I sat back down, and the nurses had put one of those plastic hat things in the toilet. I felt something come out. I called out for my husband to go get the nurse. She came in, and looked, and told me to sit back down. I kind of knew at that point that it was over. They called my Dr. who rushed back and I felt more come out 2 more times as we waited for him.
The nurses got me back on my bed and my Dr. then had to put what felt like his whole arm up my crotch while pushing on the outside of my stomach to make sure there was no left over tissue, and so he could pull out what clots he could. Well it was the worst pain of the whole experience.

At that point he got the nurse to give me my one and only shot of pain medication I had through the whole process, I didn't even know that he had a standing order of morphine for me.

My Dr then went and took a look at my sweet baby, and when he came back he explained to me what he believed had happened.

My poor sweet baby had the umbilical cord once around the tiny neck, and the left leg was pointing up and the cord was wrapped very, very tightly around twice. My Dr says that it was so tight it had cut off the blood supply. He told us that if we wanted to see they baby we could, but at that moment we weren't sure yet. About an hour later, I decided I wanted to see the baby. I didn't want to not look, then regret it later. The nurse rolled in the table covered in a blanket and when my husband and I were ready, she pulled back the blanket. Just enough so we didn't see the placenta. I then lost it. I asked her if they knew the sex of the baby, and she said they weren't 100% sure, but thought baby was going to be a boy. It had been what we wanted so badly. Oh my poor sweet baby. It has only been a couple of days, and I know it will hurt my heart for a long time. I feel so empty. I can hardly eat or sleep.

Anyways, I'm sorry for such a long post and for any TMI. I just wanted to be able to get my story written down, so I don't forget any details. If anyone else has been through such a late miscarriage, or whatever they call it, and has any coping methods. Please let me know. Thank you in advance if you've taken the time to ready my story.

<blockquote><b>Quoting luvmy2grlz!:</b>" Not sure exactly where to start. My heart feels like it is going to break into a million pieces. Tomorrow ... [snip!] ... call it, and has any coping methods. Please let me know. Thank you in advance if you've taken the time to ready my story. "</blockquote>




Im so sorry to hear that all happened to you and your family! I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong!

I am so sorry for your loss hon!

im so sorry for your loss. my heart hurts for you. i hope you find peace soon. prayers to you and your family in this difficult time.

Sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss, but I understand the pain and grief you are going thru because I'm going thru the same thing myself.

On November 17, my husband and I went to our midwife for our regular prenatal visit! Everything seemed like it was going fine until she started checking the baby's heartbeat. After that, things went down hill! She put the doppler on my stomach and started looking for it. She was near the top of my stomach and couldn't find it. She moved the doppler all over my stomach trying to find the heartbeat but couldn't. After several minutes, she stopped. She then decided to schedule me for an emergency ultrasound. While she was on the phone, my husband tried to reassure me that things would be alright, but I knew at the point our precious little baby was gone! Anyway, my midwife came back and told me what time the ultrasound was. She, too, tried reassure me that things would be fine, but I knew they wouldn't be. The wait for the ultrasound was killer. I prayed that the ultrasound might give me some reassurance that the baby might be alright but it didn't. I went for the ultrasound. I didn't even look at the tech, I couldn't. She got thru the ultrasound in less than 10 minutes, all my other ultrasounds usually take like 20 minutes. She left the room and I broke down. My husband again tried to reassure me that things would be alright but I told him I just knew they weren't. Anyway, the ultrasound tech came back in and released us and told us that we would be hearing from our midwife soon. I was a wreck the entire night. My husband kept telling me to think positive, that he felt like things would be fine. I looked him in the eye and said no. We lost our baby. We have three other children and never had this issue, plus being as far along along as I was, 16w5d, I knew the heartbeat should have been found. The next morning our midwife called with the crushing news that our baby was in fact dead! My husband was in complete shock but I wasn't. I basically knew the night before. After getting off the phone with my midwife, I lost it. My husband held me and we both cried. We just couldn't understand how this could have happened. It took us quite awhile to conceive our baby then to lose it like we did just devastated us.

The last two weeks have been a nightmare as I still have yet to pass my baby! I've had mild cramping, light bleeding on and off. I was referred to regular obgyn who I've been seeing twice a week to monitor my situation, he's taking the wait and see approach at this point. I'm so exhausted, both mentally and physically. I just want this to be over with so I can finally have some closure and move on.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to share my story and let you know you're not alone! I understand the pain and grief you are going thru. Sweetie, once again I'm so sorry for your loss. If you need anything, or just want to talk, please feel free to PM me anytime! Sending you lots of hugs!!!

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and words.

I'm so sorry to read about your loss. I too however know how you feel. I not only had one still born, but two! My first child we found out was a boy in 2006, I went ahead and did the AFP test that tests for spinal bifida etc...and was told my baby more then likely had spina bifida...I was a TOTAL wreck and was sent to a specialist...They found that he wasn't growing as much as he should be but nothing to out of the norm...When I went in for another appt after that they couldn't find the heart beat and did an ultrasound, sure enough our baby boy no longer had a heartbeat. Being first time parents we were completely devastated. I was 24 weeks along so had to actually deliver him....worst moment ever....after an autopsy we still didn't have many answers, the doctors even said it must have been a fluke....but then again with my second pregnancy we lost our daughter at 26 weeks...I again had to deliver and I was a total mess.....she had a clot in the placenta that traveled to her brain...I finally found out I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden....and it was causing the babies to not get enough blood and nutrition etc...so I went through a period of time where I felt like everything was my fault. I didn't think i'd ever get over our losses and i'm so thankful for such a strong support system especially my husband. I talked to my mom alot, and started writing a book of my struggles, that really helped me alot. I now have a healthy 3 1/2 yr old son and am 16 wks 3 days. I can't help but be a super panicky pregnant women with all i've been through but I have a wonderful dr that sees me every 2 weeks and has done an ultrasound on our little one every visit. I know your heart is aching but it does get better...You'll always have that hole in your heart and the sadness but it gets easier to deal with as time goes by. I still think of them often and we send balloons to them both every year on their birthdays....hang in there! I'm here if you ever just want someone to listen, i know sometimes you don't want to hear anything, just need someone to listen...

Oh wow. Thank you for sharing your story. You are a much stronger woman than I am! I don't know if I could go through it twice. I cry all the time, and I'm irritable. I have found myself snapping at my 2 girls on occasion. I try hard not too, but a couple of times, I've just been going out of my mind.

Then today I'm going about my day, and all of a sudden it pops in my head, I should be 20 weeks today.   Then started the water works.

Then next week I have to go back to work. Ugh.

I hate feeling like such a whiner.

Quoting luvmy2grlz!:" Not sure exactly where to start. My heart feels like it is going to break into a million pieces. Tomorrow ... [snip!] ... call it, and has any coping methods. Please let me know. Thank you in advance if you've taken the time to ready my story. "

Im so sorry for your loss mama. <3
On 11.11.11 i delivered my son at 19 1/2 weeks. He stopped growing at approximately 15 weeks, even though his heart was still beating at our 17 week check up.. (after that up to my next u/s at 19 weeks is unknown)
Stay strong.<3 If you need someone to confide in feel free to PM or PT me.