I almost feel guilty

To be happy about this pregnancy. My last pregnancy was a still born at twenty two weeks with my ex boyfriend. At the time I was 16, not that I'm much older now, but it devastated me. It turned my life upside-down. Not only am I scared to lose this child, but I'm scared that my daughter in Heaven is thinking that I won't love her or remember her because of this new addition to our family. My ex and I are still somewhat friends, at least we try to be but its hard on both of our parts because we put each other through a lot. But he's one of the only people who is there for me, still, even with this new pregnancy, whenever I feel I'm about to break down at the thought of the loss of our daughter. I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. I feel guilty for still looking to him for comfort but I've tried it all. My new boyfriend simply doesn't understand what I've been through, and it isn't his fault. I've tried counseling, anti-depressent meds, nothing helps me, really. Shortly after the birth and funeral of our stillborn I turned to smoking weed, drinking alcohol excessively and became a big cigarette smoker. Since then, I have laid all that to rest but I'm scared my old habits will return after the birth of this second baby. Life is hard to get through when there is no possible way to move on from such a heart breaking loss, in more than one way. When I lost my first, I lost the person I was. My sanity, my soul, my heart.I'm not the person I was before. Along with losing that, I lost respect for myself and my former boyfriend. I ruined what could have been an amazing, lasting relationship. I know I'm young and there's "plenty more fish in the sea" but thats not the way I feel. He even said today that the turning point in our relationship was when we lost Leila, our baby. And that if we hadn't lost her, we'd most likely still be together and be a happy family. I really don't even know what I'm getting at. I think I'm going to just stop here. Thanks for those of you who listened, it was a big vent I needed to let out.

aw...hun... there is no way your daughter would think that...i think she will be happy to watch you bring in another family member into this world. Dont feel guilty.. celebrate the time and experience you had with your first...but dont let that hinder you with your second.

i hope you feel better about everything soon  

i feel bad for you i lost 3 when i was 3 months pregnant...anyway im sure you went through more with what i read...i just want to tell you to be strong and im sure as soon as the baby is born all will be well ..so will you...about any douts blame it on being pregnant and try not to worry about what you may start again and think about how not to start again and just be the best mom you can..im sure your angel will smill when she sees what a great mom you are

The thing is, its so hard to imagine being happy like I was before, although I am happy now, I don't know how I'm going to feel bringing a new baby into the world.I really just don't know. Don't get me wrong, I love this new little one with everything I have to offer, life is just flat out unfair and hard. And i know no one said shit was going to be fair but it should be. And it makes me angry that its not. This pain that I've held on to for the past year and a five months is unbearable.

:/

Idk.

Quoting LauraElaine:“ To be happy about this pregnancy. My last pregnancy was a still born at twenty two weeks with my ex boyfriend. ... [snip!] ... getting at. I think I'm going to just stop here. Thanks for those of you who listened, it was a big vent I needed to let out.”

Don't feel guilty. I didn't plan to get pregnant either, but.. if i lost this baby, i'd be sooo devastated. It's totally okay to be happy about another baby.

COngrats by the way =]

Take it from an ex smoker drinker rec. drug user-you'll look at your baby when theyre born and never want to do tha tstuff again

Ps tell ur doc you can get on antidepressants and links to councellor support groups blah blah...your mood swings make it even more difficult and you could spiral-before or have ppd afterwards-i felt guilty because my baby was unplanned and it morphed into blown out ppd . Its good now