re: The Healing Process

Thank you ladies! It means so much to me that you are all bearing with me. I thought reading your stories would help me get through this even more but its done the complete opposite!!! I cant stop the anger from building and the fact that I surpress it and let it out on my boyfriend is not doing me any good! It infuriates me to know that SO MANY women and children have gone through this and it just makes me even more paranoid. I did in fact tried getting help, but I honestly have come to the conclusion that people just dont care. It's really hard trying to get help when you dont care about yourself. All my life I've lived to make everyone else happy so the minute I seek help.... everyone run's away! :'( My boyfriend has been supportive but there have been a few times where he's become upset with me and says things about my rape (and even though he tells me to forgive me, my heart is already used to turning pain into anger).... I honestly just dont know what to do.

Quoting MRSH0LLYWO0D:“ Thank you ladies! It means so much to me that you are all bearing with me. I thought reading your stories ... [snip!] ... he tells me to forgive me, my heart is already used to turning pain into anger).... I honestly just dont know what to do.”

Like I said before, you need to stop wasting so much energy thinking about the pain and anger it is causing you...it is not doing anything beneficial, right?
Take a step back, realize what has happend for what it is....a past experience. Whether it be good or bad, it happend, and you cannot control it. There are tons of things other than sexual abuse that can happen to your child that you cannot control, like freak accidents, or if they fall riding their bike and split their head open, etc....but that is a part of life, not being in complete control.
Quit stressin, mama! The only thing you can really do to HELP is to just realize what it is, and learn from it. You can't spend the rest of your life angry and in fear of something that happened before...

  I cant. I'm not a weak person. I'm stronger than most people say but I think if I continue hiding this it's going to smack me in the face.   Sucking it up has done nothing for me but make it worst.... and forgetting it as it never happened , well I think that's the reason why I'm so paranoid. I dunno, I guess this is something I'm gonna have to get through on my own... but its never going to happen.

Quoting MRSH0LLYWO0D:“   I cant. I'm not a weak person. I'm stronger than most people say but I think if I continue hiding ... [snip!] ... I'm so paranoid. I dunno, I guess this is something I'm gonna have to get through on my own... but its never going to happen.”

Being strong or weak has nothing to do with acceptance, forgiveness, and learning.
and if you keep telling yourself that it will never happen, then it won't. You've got to get rid of the negativity, and start channeling positivity....in all aspects.

i was molested several times... and it takes a while. i was afraid of all the men in my family at one point i thought that they would try to do something to me it took years for me to get over it...

Quoting MRSH0LLYWO0D:“ Thank you ladies! It means so much to me that you are all bearing with me. I thought reading your stories ... [snip!] ... he tells me to forgive me, my heart is already used to turning pain into anger).... I honestly just dont know what to do.”

It's really not that people don't care. You just need to find a good listener and really talk through all of what happened. Not everyone is going to know how to respond to your situation. You can call this number...maybe they can help. It's free.


Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE

I've called them several times since 2002.... and I was very unsatisfied with how they handled my situation. They ended up calling my school and my mom to tell them what I had talked about (I had called during school while in therapy)... I've been trying to call some places but without insurance, they said I would end up paying $150 for each session and $75 after 3 months without medication...

If you ever need to talk, you can always feel free to PM me. I care. I posted this before, but this is a good site to go and anonymously discuss your feelings:

http://www.sandf.org/forum/index.php

This bothers me a lot too, I was also SA as a kid, rape, and rape more than once in my 20s. If anyone touchs my kids I will kill them without even thinking about it. I have already told my husband this and I do trust him 100%. But I can't live in fear, I will watch me kids for signs and when they get older I will talk to them about it and listen to them. And know matter what if they tell me something is or did happen I will believe them 100%!

I have a history of sexual, emotional and physical abuse since I was 4. People tell me that I wrap Chloe up in cotton wool because I don't let her play out in the street or go to people's houses that I don't know. I would never allow her to stay overnight. She is 10 this year. I can't be sure that the one house I do allow her to go to doesn't have a raging pedophile living there.
I am not paranoid about my DH, he is the man that 'rescued' me from alot of crap. I consider him my best friend (only friend really) and my safety, Chloe's too.
If I have been in a 'state', I will admit that I have implied that he is a predator, in a fit of rage, to hurt him. I never, truthfully think he'd do anything of the sort. I finally found a man that can be trusted.

Quoting MRSH0LLYWO0D:“ I've called them several times since 2002.... and I was very unsatisfied with how they handled my situation. ... [snip!] ... but without insurance, they said I would end up paying $150 for each session and $75 after 3 months without medication...”

I'm sorry that happened. It's supposed to be anonymous. There may be many other hotlines or forums that you can use to talk through. It's upsetting to have someone share a secret that you thought was confidential. That's how my storry unraveled. I shared it with a best friend and she told a freiend that told her parents..they told my best friends parents and they told the counselor at school..not even my own parents knew at that point. If that hadn't of happened htough, I would have no closure. Does anyone know what you've gone through? Have you told anyone who raped you? I don't want to assume the answer is no, but if that is the case maybe you need to have them prosecuted to begin any kind of closure.

This is only a suggestion... I can't say that I have been where you are. I was molested when I was 2, but I don't remember it, and I know my parents came unglued when it happened, so lots of bad stuff happened to the person who did it.

but....

Have you considered going to support groups once or twice a week? They have them all over the place. You may be suprised by how helpful they are. They are often FREE (which is great) and it sounds like you really need some support system to help guide you. They are wonderful things.
And remember there is such a thing as transference... You don't want to transfer your fears to your child. Thats not fair for either of you. Getting help NOW will keep that kind of thing from happening.
You can find them at Churches, community centers, hospitals... they are everywhere, and that can be the kind of individual help you need  
Hang in there!

I turned into a ball of tears when I read your replies   I did come out to my family when I was 12 and "tried" getting help when I was 13...and that's the reason why I am the way I am today. My "family" totally abandoned me and I was blamed and still am for tearing the family apart. It's a spanish (dominican) mindset that whatever happens to you is to be kept to yourself and forgotten about.... And it bothers me so much that I have a heart, that I care and that I wanted to get help because my mother is so ashamed of me because of it. I became an alcoholic and instead of her being there for me, she threw me out of the house...and things just spiraled out of control after there.   I will admit, going to support groups makes me feel uncomfortable. I get psychotic knowing that so many people have been abused and that justs builds up my anger for men... Wat the hell is wrong with me?????!!!!!!

Quoting MRSH0LLYWO0D:“ I turned into a ball of tears when I read your replies   I did come out to my family when I was 12 and ... [snip!] ... that so many people have been abused and that justs builds up my anger for men... Wat the hell is wrong with me?????!!!!!!”

Thats the same right here, and I turned to alcohol too. Im getting over it now, so it is getting better. I already wrote it though, i mean my family didnt care, and didnt listen, but ill be here for my daughter.

Quoting .:Tickle my pickle:.:“ Thats the same right here, and I turned to alcohol too. Im getting over it now, so it is getting ... [snip!] ... is getting better. I already wrote it though, i mean my family didnt care, and didnt listen, but ill be here for my daughter.”

Yes! My daughter and my growing baby are going to have very different upbringings to mine. Although it was'nt all hell all the time, I only recall the crap. That's why I have such a negative attitude now.
My Chloe is 9 and so far, I have, I hope done a good job and sheltered her from the things she doesn't need to see and know.