re: Post Partum Depression (PPD)

i had my son Carrington Alexander Hunt Jr almost 7 months ago. it was the most amazing moment i could have ever experienced. for the first 2-3 days it was nothing but love. i was breastfeeding and the bond we shared was indescribable. but then everything just took a turn for the worst. The very day i left the hospital i came home and instantly cried and cried and i couldnt pin point why. i knew something was wrong. so i just thought it was simply "baby blues" and i would over come it. but little did i know it was only the beginning of a very miserable life. cj will be 7 months in 2 days and i feel no were like i did when he was first born. i feel hollow and shell on the inside. i dont have interest in life and simple things that i use to like quality time with my boyfriend. I find the least excuse to be alone. like i'd rather wash dishes and cleanup than be bothered with taking care of my own son or being around my boyfriend. what kind of a mother does that make me? i love my son more than my very own life. but i sometimes sit alone with regrets and wonders on what life would be like if i had of waited to get pregnant and settle down so quickly...would i have graduated and be in college i would have more freedom. etc. I feel nothing but guilt. My relationship is hanging by a thread and so is my life. everyday is just another day. im losing my hair, i've gained weight in all the wrong places, im losing my relationship and my mind all at once and i just feel like there is no were i can go. nobody who understands my pain. as i sit here typing this tears roll down my face because this is the first time i've opened up about everything thats going on with me. i dont have suicidal thoughts of me or my son. i just with i could be happy again. thats all i want. to be able to wake up and smile knowing that everything is ok. instead i wake up with regret dreading every step i take in life. you dont have to comment. i just felt the need to let it out were i know i wont be judged i keep telling myself you can get through this it'll get better. but no..it hasnt..its only worse

I feel for u hun my obgyn didnt do anything for me just gave me sum xanax like 10 thats going to help for 10 days then what am i suppost to do doctors are so dumb and my other meds doctor tryed me on 5diff meds that are not working the one she got me on now not working and making me feel worse i called her and she told me that she doesnt know what to do from here i have to be put on a big waiting list for a specialless and a counseling but i am going to be waiting forever to get in and i need sumthing now cuz i am really bad but the docs said it doesnt last forever we will get better just might take a year cuz it happens to 95% of mothers and it helps to get out and do stuff and have time for urself cuz if u dont its not going to make it any easyer i wish u and all the rest the best of luck postpartum depression really sucks it so bad for me that i am really thinking about getting fixed i wanted 2 more kids but i cant handle the after affects and i have to have c-section which gets worse everytime i was really sick after i had my sec child

Quoting lady.hunt:" i had my son Carrington Alexander Hunt Jr almost 7 months ago. it was the most amazing moment i could ... [snip!] ... were i know i wont be judged i keep telling myself you can get through this it'll get better. but no..it hasnt..its only worse"

awww hun i know exactly how you feel ive been going through the same thing besides the fact that im a single mom of 2. if you ever need someone to talk to that is kinda going through the same thing im here cause its nice to be able to talk to someone about it every now and than.

Quoting Pillowpants is a SLUT:" I posted something very similar to this in Nov. here is the thread http://forum.baby-gaga.com/about132414-1.html#lastpost ... [snip!] ... signs. Its scary to think that I could have left my children. I was sick. But I found the light at the end of the tunnel."

not to sound stupid, but i feel as if im going through exactly this, i have one child who is three months old. and your exact situation, except i have to to try to hurt myself because of it..but dont get me wrong, i have thought about it. im constantly on whims edge about leaving and never turning back and then i realize "my daughter needs me, because DH doesnt know how to do it" . i have no insurance so no way to go to a doctor and like a post at the beginning, i feel overwhelmed and alone. DH doesnt understand, and most of the time i dont let him see me like the way i am because he thinks im over reacting. i have recently started not caring. i have heard her cry and cry and cry to a point of no more...nothing is wrong with her, she is just spolied. sometimes i look at her and just hope something will give, but now all hope is lost, nothing helps..i listen to music and it helps a little bit, but not for long..i RARELY EVER get a break, even when i ask for it, practically beg for it. my husband always wonders why i leave when i had DD to him...he says i practically run away any chance i get, but he doesnt understand. im at a loss and i dont know what to do. there are some days where i feel "i just cant do it" anymore.

  wow, this hurts rereading it.

I went to the DR today with some concerns about what i thought was the implanon - making me tired, want to eat more, acne, headaches, depression, no sex drive, no energy etc..

It turns out she thinks that i've got PPD and that the implanon may be slightly contributing to me not feeling 100% but isnt the root cause.

She wants to level out my moods etc before taking the implanon out (i suppose to see if it helps) & has prescribed me Prozac - Fluoxetine.. I was wondering if anyone has taken this for depression, and if you have how did you feel?..

How long did it take to kick in and did it help?

Im staring at the pack & am really scared to take the first one for some reason..

Any advice & experiences would be great.

So this past week and a bit I have been having massive break downs, not wanting to take care of my son AT all. I am ready to break smurf in this house and there are times when I got thoughts of just hucking my kid at the wall to get him to shut up. It was horrible! I felt so guilty after getting such violent thoughts and that would send me into a crying fit. I recently decided to stop taking my micronor birth control after doing some reading on side effects. A lot of women said it made them feel like they were going crazy. Its now day 3 of me not taking them and I am feeling a little better now but I need to get on some form of birth control. So instead of just talking to my husband about potentially having mild PPD or it being my bc, either way I need help with it. So I finally booked an appointment for Saturday to talk to my doctor about it. I hate admitting I need help for depression. It runs rampant in my family and I didn't want to be another family member added into the group. I was doing great before I had my son but now...it got hard, then it got better and then it got terrible since I started taking birth control. I just needed to write this out to kind of help me out with things I guess. *big sigh*

i dunno if i have ppd or raging hormones or just impatience but i've been thinking a lot about it tonight. during the day i'm better but i feel really lazy, chalked it up to my stitches hurting and being sore from my uti but i feed my daughter and cuddle with her but i rarely leave my chair. i only get up to go to the bathroom or get food or something i need. my appetite is barely there, i'd rather snack a little than eat a meal. when my fiance brings me dinner i eat maybe a quarter of it. i go up and sleep usually from like 8pm-2am and that is like the best part of my day which is horrible to say cuz i love my daughter. after 2am smurf gets bad. dd gets really fussy and cries a lot and i find myself getting so angry and screaming at her and i just have horrible thoughts and i feel like the worst mom ever. tonight she got sick and threw up all over me and my chair and the floor and i put her down and cleaned up and she started crying again and i got so frustrated and just yelled and yelled at her. my fiance came downstairs and said i was being so mean and said he should have never had a kid with me and called me a piece of smurf and trash and a bad mom, i felt so awful. i dunno why i keep doing this but i really do feel like a piece of smurf, sometimes i just don't even want to be alive anymore. i wanna be better and be there for my daughter, i dunno what to do.

I have not been diagnosed with this but I've just been feeling so off lately. I had my son almost four months ago. I am currently pregnant but experiencing issues yet again with this pregnancy. For the past couple weeks, I haven't wanted to do anything. I've been sleeping all day and I sometimes feel like I want nothing to do with my baby. I love him so much and I feel so guilty. It just makes me sad to play with him and when he cries, I get so upset. The worry with this pregnancy is making me feel like my life is on hold completely. I sometimes just think I can't handle it. My husband and I haven't been close at all. It just sucks. ):

I had SERIOUS PPD. At first my Husband and I laughed when the nurse warned us about PPD because I thought that would never happen to me. I was DEAD wrong. I am posting my story because sometimes people do the wrong things towards women (or men) with PPD. Here's my story:
When we were discharged I knew my throat felt a little off but I thought maybe I was just catching a cold. The next day I hit a serious fever spike and had to go to the hospital where I had to stay for 2 almost 3 days right after having my son! I was really good with breastfeeding but had to stop which messed up my whole milk production. My son was allowed to stay with me if my Husband or Mom stayed in the hospital to take care of it. I couldn't hold him or even touch him just look at him. It was really rough. When I finally got discharged I was feeling ok not quite in the baby blues yet because now I had my baby back. I was disappointed that my breast feeding was just done. My Husband made a threesome joke with one my gay friends and being insecure I just stopped talking completely. That was the moment it started. Because I wouldn't talk and you know men act like they don't even know what happened and why you are mad said " Is he not mine? Is that it is? That's why you can't talk to me you got all you wanted out of me!" (THIS is very out of my husband's character so don't boo him LOL)..after that I had a hard time with daily tasks like taking care of my son. I would do it but be so absent while doing it. I would just lay in bed. THAT'S IT. My Husband knew something wasn't right at all. He had to literally pick me up get me dressed and put me in the car to take me to a dr to talk. My regular OB was not there so they gave me some random Dr. who denied there was even a problem with me being mute and not responsive! She said come back in a week. I didn't even want to eat Outback after that appointment..now that's serious for me LOL But a couple of days later (there were also a lotttt of problems with the in laws which caused me a lot of stress) my Husband tried to take my son to see them and talk to them because he was tired of the way they were treating me. I went into a full fledged panic because he tried to take my kid so he just left without him. I packed all my Husband's things..NOT EVEN KNOWING WHY. He got home and I told him to get out...he would try putting things back and I would just pack them again. I gave up so i started packing my stuff to go to my best friends house. He saw me packing my son's stuff too and said basically OH HELL NO. Somehow in this process my son went missing...I went to search for him and my Husband kept telling me he was in certain places but was nowhere to be found..he knew exactly where he was and would not tell me. I went upstairs and my Mom's door was locked and I asked her if my son was with her...she said no but immediately my son started crying and I lostttt myself because I was lied to. I threatened to break the door down and almost successfully did. I was hurt because everyone was lying to me acting as though I was a threat when all I wanted was to hold my son. I wasn't being violent...until...i told my Mom I was going to call the cops if she didn't give me my son back. My Husband gave that smart ass remark "PSH no cops going to give a crazy Mother her kid."...so I then went into fight mode..I barely remember this next part at all. I blacked out completely. I thought I slapped my Husband because he got me so mad....I found out later I punched him in the face...TWICE. This is all before my child is 6 weeks old. Then I got aggressive on myself to where I kept screaming I was going to kill myself..once again don't remember this. My Dad called the cops because he was concerned. I was then told I needed to go to a hospital for evaluation or I'd go to jail. The psychologist told me I would have to go to a psych ward. I was so angry because how can you send a new Mother to a psych ward when it's obviously PPD! I went and it was the scariest experience ever. I had the craziest roommate of the bunch who constantly had to get shots in her butt for acting crazy...a guy broke into my room trying to have sex with me...a whole bunch of craziness I don't feel like I deserved to see. I was in the crazy part for about 5 or 6 hours..longest hours of my life. They then switched me to the less crazy side...the dr's didn't even think that was the place to put me at all but they had to take me in for evaluation. My Mom and best friend stopped by and told me that my Husband took all his stuff and my son's stuff to his parents house. I lost my damn mind. I somehow talked my way out of that psych ward..which is NOT easy. I got so sick where I was constantly running to the bathroom ill. I then found out the worst part. My Husband filed a protective order..where I couldn't see him or my son for a week. I was so hurt that he did that...I thought I lost everything. I finally went to see my OB to bring proof to court I was taking care of my issues and she was PISSED when she found out what the other dr did. She gave me depression meds and 2 sleeping pills because she knew I wasn't sleeping with all this stress...she fired that dr. My dr was a very calm woman so to see her that angry it had to be serious. I got really lucky I had an understanding Husband and took everything into consideration but it was a rough rough road. I got better when I started taking the meds but I had to stop but I never got like that again I was fine. PPD is NOT something to mess with and be ashamed of. If you even feel a little depressed please see a Dr because that's how it first starts out. I don't want anyone to have to go threw that mess. It was the worst and still hurts me today to reflect on. I am 34 weeks now and I will definitely be on top of this PPD.

I'm currently dealing with PPD as well. I had a lot of issues with depression/anxiety prior to pregnancy, so this is really no surprise, although I have to say, aside from the anxiety, I had very little depression DURING my pregnancy. Right now, my main issues are feeling isolated. I'm a real sociable person, so being cooped up at home is getting to me, and I really miss my husband (he's back at work), and our intimacy.  
We went the entire 9 months with 0 sex because my hormones made my sex-drive take a nosedive, and I am so anxious and ready to get back to lovemaking. I feel like I am missing a part of him and a part of me. I'm very happy with our little girl, and love her to bits, but I'm also having a lot of trouble with feeling inadequate. I love her so much I want to be super mom for her, and that's not always possible. I started out breastfeeding, and it was soooooo hard. Because of my PPD and her not gaining enough weight, her pediatrician recommended I switch to formula feeding exclusively. This has made me feel like a failure as her mommy. BFing was something I wanted to do so badly and I feel like I'm missing out on that bonding experience. I am currently taking Zoloft for my depression issues (although I took it BEFORE conception without much success), and plan to discuss with my OB or GP an anti-anxiety medication as well as a new anti-depressant. I think it would really help with the feelings of inadequacy I have about myself, and my constant worries about her reflux issues and my obsessive fear of SIDS.

Quoting Chelsea Hawkins:" I'm currently dealing with PPD as well. I had a lot of issues with depression/anxiety prior to pregnancy, ... [snip!] ... the feelings of inadequacy I have about myself, and my constant worries about her reflux issues and my obsessive fear of SIDS. "

I am terrified with having my second child and how I will react again. I had to move back in with my parents because finances got REALLY rough. I have a TERRIBLE 2 year old (haha) and my Mom and Grandma who lives with us too does not believe in popping them for being bad...instead they just let him do whatever he wants and he used to listen to us now all he does he roll his eyes at us and not listen to us when he used to listen to us all the time. It's rough knowing I have another one on the way in 5 weeks. I want to raise my boys right not give them pretty pretty princess syndrome LOL. I had a GREAT job when I was in South Carolina that had insurance up the wall and I couldn't carry it to VA since it was a state plan and I had to apply for Medicaid which was stressful because I am soo close to the end. It's really rough I know how you feel I'm feeling the Pre Partum coming on. It's really rough having kids and it will die down and you will feel better. Your doing the right thing by taking the medicine you need. I failed at breast feeding too because of me going into a mental hospital for my PPD! Plus I hit a serious fever the day after my son and I were discharged and was put in the hospital for almost 3 days. It's rough because yes you do feel like a failure but this is what got my through...I will have another try with my little one on the way. A lot of women have to switch to formula. I worked in a daycare where the baby was actually allergic to the Mother's milk and she felt depressed as well.. It's rough but will always get better.

Quoting Melissa Heidenescher:" I am terrified with having my second child and how I will react again. I had to move back in with my ... [snip!] ... the baby was actually allergic to the Mother's milk and she felt depressed as well.. It's rough but will always get better."

Oh and when it comes to intimacy I feel you! With my son I was a wild one (HAHA) and with this little one it actually hurts too much to do. I will literally get sick after the act. This is going to sound like TMI but the one thing that got us through was oral. As long as men get something they don't care..well I don't know if that's just mine but usually that's the case haha. It's the best way to try and show him your still attracted to them because that is their fear.

I have had severe depression and anxiety prior to having my son so I am familiar with these feelings. However they are much different now than they were before. Before I had my son I was constantly depressed about how my life had turned out but once I sobered up I was doing pretty good. Since I've had my son I'm not so much depressed but have severe anxiety over the tiniest things. This in turn makes me feel like a bad parent which then causes some depression. My son is 3 months old and I never feel like a good enough mom. I am always trying to pin point walhat I'm doing wrong when really he is content and fine. When he was two months old he had a lung infection and was hospitalized for a week and that really traumatized me I think. I had felt so bad to have let him get sick and I blamed myself. Ever since then I have been obsessively googling symptoms because I'm afraid he is sick but he never is sick. It's gotten to the point where family members and my SO will blow off anything I say because they don't believe me. My SO told me to quit making things up today because I think my son has thrush because he is not feeding like he usually does. I also have severe social anxiety and don't like socializing with anyone because I'm afraid of what they think of me and my son. My son is 3 months old and almost 19 lbs. I worry that I over feed him but the health nurse said you cannot over feed a breast fed baby. Everyone always says things like " oh he is so chubby" " look at his rolls" and I take offense to it when I really shouldn't. I feel bad that he is so big because at this age they should be able to roll and be a bit more mobile but my son is restricted because of his size. I'm scared that my depression and anxiety will project onto him and i am going to go see a doctor for some help.

I cant believe I am still dealing with this.
My kids are 4 and 18 months old.
I recently stopped taking my meds because I hate the way they make my head feel foggy.
I did restart them though, just waiting for the levels to get higher and stable.

today was not a good day, I got angry at my 18 month old for screaming. I feel really bad. im going to the doctors tomorrow.
im not looking for judgement, I really don't need it. I don't think my mental state could handle it.
as I did take a knife to my stomach, didn't do too much damage.
im just so sad. I haven't felt this way in a long time.
im scared!!!

Quoting Spider_Monkey:" i dunno if i have ppd or raging hormones or just impatience but i've been thinking a lot about it tonight. ... [snip!] ... smurf, sometimes i just don't even want to be alive anymore. i wanna be better and be there for my daughter, i dunno what to do."

I know what you mean about just getting so angry and irritable. I hope your doing better now.