We have a group over in FFA, I know I don't post in here a lot. I am reading this new book, and it has a lot of great information in it. The most amazing one I've found so far is a self inventory. It's really long, but reading through it helps you realize the affect the trauma had on your life, and it's a jumping off point for moving forward. If you are interested, here it is:
The Sexual Self Inventory
Sexual abuse generates negative, false attitudes about sex. These become hidden from your consciousness. You may have difficultly separating abusive sex from healthy sex. We are imprinted with an abusive way of thinking about sex: sexual drive, sexual expression, sex roles, intimate relationships, knowledge of sexual functioning, and sense of morality. How have you been affected?
Put a check in front of each statement you agree with, and a question mark next to each that you can some times or partially agree with. Statements that don't fit should be left blank.
Part 1: Attitudes about Sex
I feel sex is a duty I must perform.
I feel sex is something I do to get something else.
_____ In sex, one person wins and one person loses.
_____ Sex is dirty to me.
_____ Sex feels bad to me.
_____ Sex feels secretive to me.
_____ I equate sex with sexual abuse.
_____ Sexual energy seems uncontrollable.
_____ Sex is hurtful to me.
_____ I believe sex is something you either give or get.
_____ I feel sex is power to control another person.
_____I believe having sex is all that matters.
_____ I think sex benefits men more than women.
_____ I think people have no responsibility to eachother during sex.
_____I think sexual desire makes people act crazy.
_____ I think men have a right to demand sex from women.
_____ Sex means danger to me.
_____ I believe sex is a way to escape painful emotions.
_____ Sex is humiliating to me and/or others.
_____ I feel sex is addictive.
_____ I feel sex is a game.
_____I believe sex is a condition for receiving love.
Part 2. Sexual Self-Concept.
Sexual abuse can unconsciously influence how you feel about yourself and about sex. You may see yourself as damaged. Or, you may have developed a self-concept that is inflated, where you believe you're more powerful as a result of sex. Knowing how you view yourself is essential in eventually making changes to damaging sexual behaviors.
_____ I'm an easy sexual target
_____ My sexuality is disgusting.
_____ I hate my body.
_____ There is something wrong with me sexually.
_____ I'm confused whether I'm gay or straight.
_____ I feel I will lose control if I let myself go sexually.
_____ I have no sense of being sexual at all.
_____ I feel like a victim in sex.
_____ I am sexually inadequate.
_____ I don't like certain parts of my body.
_____ I want sex for all the wrong reasons.
_____ I have to stay in control during sex.
_____ I don't have a right to deny my body to any partner who wants it.
_____ I can only be loved to the extent I can give sexually.
_____ I am over sexed.
_____ I have no right to control sexual interaction.
_____ My primary value is in sexually serving a partner.
_____ If I want sex, I'm as sick as a sex offender.
_____ I blame myself for my past sexual abuse.
_____ I deserve what ever I get, sexually.
_____ I wish I were the opposite sex.
_____ I am inferior to other people because of my sexual past.
_____ I am damaged goods.
_____ I can be easily sexually dominated.
_____ I'd be happiest in a world where sex didn't exist.
_____ I couldn't live in a world with out sex.
_____ I am a sexual performer.
_____ There are some things I've done sexually that I can never forgive myself for.
_____ I am a sick person, sexually.
_____ I'm not loveable for who I am, only what I can do sexually.
_____ I am a sexual object.
_____ I feel bad about my gender.
Part 3. Automatic Reactions to Touch and Sex
Sexual abuse can create a conditioned way of reacting to touch and sex. Some survivors get panicky, avoiding sexual possibilities. Others freeze and feel helpless and unable to protect themselves. Still, others can get over excited and may recklessly seek dangerous sexual encounters. You may experience spontaneous reactions to sex that cause you to numb sexual feelings, to divorce your mind from what is happening physically, or to become sexually aroused in inappropriate ways.
_____ I am afraid of sex.
_____ I have little interest in being sexual.
_____ I am afraid of some sexual body parts.
_____ I am preoccupied with sex.
_____ I withdraw from sexual possibilities.
_____ I am bothered by sexual thoughts I cannot control.
_____ When I get horny, I feel extremely anxious.
_____ I feel especially powerful when I am having sex.
_____ I get sexually excited at times I shouldn't be.
_____ I constantly look for sexual opportunities.
_____ I believe that when a person touches me, he or she wants to have sex with me.
_____ I lose all power to protect myself when sexually approached.
_____ I have unhealthy sexual interests and desires.
_____ I often have flashbacks to past abuse during sex.
_____ Unwanted fantasies intrude on my sexual experiences.
_____ I am sexually aroused by the thought of hurtful sex.
_____ I feel panicked when I'm touched.
_____ I feel emotionally distant during sex.
_____ During sex, my mind separates from my body.
_____ I feel like I'm another person when I have sex.
_____ I feel very nervous during sex.
_____ I experience feelings such as anger, fear, shame, guilt, or nausea with sexual touch.
_____ I often get sexually aroused when I don't want to be.
_____ I am very sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, and sensations during sex.
Part 4. Sexual Behavior.
Sexual abuse can shatter our capacity for healthy sex. You may have been taught abusive patterns of sexual bahavior and introduced to unhealthy, compulsive, and abnormal sexual activities. Now you may associate your sexual expression with secrecy and shame. One survivor may withdraw from sex, preventing any fresh discoveries of healthy sex. Others may become preoccupied and driven by sex. Sometimes, we can reenact the abuse in an unconscious attempt to resolve deep-seated emotional conflict related to the original abuse. These reactions need to be identified.
_____ I isolate myself from others socially.
_____I am unable to initiate sex.
_____ I avoid situations that can lead to sex.
_____ I am unable to say no to sex.
_____ I feel I have no physical boundries when it comes to sex.
_____ I need to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol to enjoy sex.
_____ I spend money to have sex.
_____ I feel confused about how and when to be sexual.
_____ I engage in medically risky behavior to have sex.
_____ I engage in sex for economic gain.
_____ I have had more sexual partners than is good for me to have had.
_____ I act out sexually in ways hurtful to others.
_____ I manipulate others into having sex with me.
_____ I engage in sadomasochistic sex.
_____ I have more than one sexual partner at a time.
_____ I become involved with partners who are more primarily involved with some one else.
_____ I use sexual fantasies of abuse to increase sexual arousal.
_____ I feel additively drawn to certain sexual behaviors.
_____ I feel compelled to masturbate frequently.
_____ I engage in secret sexual activities.
_____ I engage in sexual behaviors that can harm me.
_____ I engage in sexual behaviors that could harm others.
_____ I have sex when I really don't want to.
_____ I am confused when it is okay and not okay to touch when dating.
_____ I often rely on abusive porn to turn me on.
_____ I find it hard to say no to unwanted sexual touch.
_____ My sexual behaviors have caused me problems at work, with my health, or at my job.
_____ I use sex to help me feel better when I'm down.
Part 5. Intimate Relationships
Some survivors may have difficulty selecting partners who are emotionally supportive of past abuse. Others may be unable to trust and feel sage with an intimate partner who does. Survivors may fear intimacy or have a limited capacity to experience closeness.
_____ I am drawn to partners who demand sex from me.
_____ I am afraid of being emotionally vulnerable in a relationship.
_____ I am unable to attract the kind of partner that is good for me to have.
_____ I feel obligated to please my partner during sex.
_____ My intimate relationships always fail.
_____ I have difficultaly being intimate and sexual at the same time.
_____ I don't trust that a partner could really be faithful to me.
_____ I hide my feelings in an intimate relationship.
_____ A partner would reject me if they knew about my sexual past.
_____ I have difficulately maintaining sexual contact with a partner.
_____ Our relationship would end if we stopped having sex.
_____ I want but am unable to remain faithful.
_____ My partner is unhappy with our sex life.
_____ My partner reminds me of a sexual offender.
_____ My partner perceives me as sexually abusive.
_____ I want to get away from my partner immediately after sex.
_____ My partner feels rejected by me.
_____ My partner feels pressured by me.
_____ I can't communicate my sexual wants and needs.
_____ I am afraid to become emotionally close with my partner.
_____ I'm afraid to become sexually close with my partner.
Part 6. Sexual Functioning Problems.
Sexual abuse can create problems functioning sexually. Abuse may have taught you unhealthy patterns of responding to sexual stimulation. Stress and anxiety that originated with abuse may continue to shadow your sexual activity. Over time, these problems can impact intimacy and long-term satisfaction. As you identify problems, you can begin identifying how to over come them.
_____ I find it difficult to become aroused.
_____ I have trouble experiencing sexual sensations.
_____ I do not like to touch my genital area.
_____ I have difficulty achieving orgasm when I stimulate myself.
_____ I have difficulty having an orgasm with a partner.
_____ I lack desire for sex.
_____ I am hardly, if ever, interested in sex.
_____ I overcontrol sexual interactions.
_____ My orgasm seems more related to relieving tension then finding pleasure.
_____ My orgasms are not very pleasurable.
_____ Sex is not very pleasurable.
_____ I am limited with the types of sexual activities I feel comfortable in.
_____ I do not like to touch my breasts.
_____ I am unable to be vaginally penetrated.
_____ I experience pain or discomfort when being vaginally penetrated.
_____ I orgasm very fast.