It's days like today that i wish i could just forget everything. my dreams are back with a vengeance. i don't want to hate them because that would mean that they still have control over me. TTC is on hold. I haven't been able to have sex in two months again. I feel so hopeless. DH doesn't understand although he does try.

Hi guys...

We have a group over in FFA, I know I don't post in here a lot. I am reading this new book, and it has a lot of great information in it. The most amazing one I've found so far is a self inventory. It's really long, but reading through it helps you realize the affect the trauma had on your life, and it's a jumping off point for moving forward. If you are interested, here it is:

The Sexual Self Inventory

Sexual abuse generates negative, false attitudes about sex. These become hidden from your consciousness. You may have difficultly separating abusive sex from healthy sex. We are imprinted with an abusive way of thinking about sex: sexual drive, sexual expression, sex roles, intimate relationships, knowledge of sexual functioning, and sense of morality. How have you been affected?

Put a check in front of each statement you agree with, and a question mark next to each that you can some times or partially agree with. Statements that don't fit should be left blank.

Part 1: Attitudes about Sex

_____ I feel sex is a duty I must perform.
_____ I feel sex is something I do to get something else.
_____ In sex, one person wins and one person loses.
_____ Sex is dirty to me.
_____ Sex feels bad to me.
_____ Sex feels secretive to me.
_____ I equate sex with sexual abuse.
_____ Sexual energy seems uncontrollable.
_____ Sex is hurtful to me.
_____ I believe sex is something you either give or get.
_____ I feel sex is power to control another person.
_____I believe having sex is all that matters.
_____ I think sex benefits men more than women.
_____ I think people have no responsibility to eachother during sex.
_____I think sexual desire makes people act crazy.
_____ I think men have a right to demand sex from women.
_____ Sex means danger to me.
_____ I believe sex is a way to escape painful emotions.
_____ Sex is humiliating to me and/or others.
_____ I feel sex is addictive.
_____ I feel sex is a game.
_____I believe sex is a condition for receiving love.

Part 2. Sexual Self-Concept.

Sexual abuse can unconsciously influence how you feel about yourself and about sex. You may see yourself as damaged. Or, you may have developed a self-concept that is inflated, where you believe you're more powerful as a result of sex. Knowing how you view yourself is essential in eventually making changes to damaging sexual behaviors.

_____ I'm an easy sexual target.
_____ My sexuality is disgusting.
_____ I hate my body.
_____ There is something wrong with me sexually.
_____ I'm confused whether I'm gay or straight.
_____ I feel I will lose control if I let myself go sexually.
_____ I have no sense of being sexual at all.
_____ I feel like a victim in sex.
_____ I am sexually inadequate.
_____ I don't like certain parts of my body.
_____ I want sex for all the wrong reasons.
_____ I have to stay in control during sex.
_____ I don't have a right to deny my body to any partner who wants it.
_____ I can only be loved to the extent I can give sexually.
_____ I am over sexed.
_____ I have no right to control sexual interaction.
_____ My primary value is in sexually serving a partner.
_____ If I want sex, I'm as sick as a sex offender.
_____ I blame myself for my past sexual abuse.
_____ I deserve what ever I get, sexually.
_____ I wish I were the opposite sex.
_____ I am inferior to other people because of my sexual past.
_____ I am damaged goods.
_____ I can be easily sexually dominated.
_____ I'd be happiest in a world where sex didn't exist.
_____ I couldn't live in a world with out sex.
_____ I am a sexual performer.
_____ There are some things I've done sexually that I can never forgive myself for.
_____ I am a sick person, sexually.
_____ I'm not loveable for who I am, only what I can do sexually.
_____ I am a sexual object.
_____ I feel bad about my gender.

Part 3. Automatic Reactions to Touch and Sex
Sexual abuse can create a conditioned way of reacting to touch and sex. Some survivors get panicky, avoiding sexual possibilities. Others freeze and feel helpless and unable to protect themselves. Still, others can get over excited and may recklessly seek dangerous sexual encounters. You may experience spontaneous reactions to sex that cause you to numb sexual feelings, to divorce your mind from what is happening physically, or to become sexually aroused in inappropriate ways.

_____ I am afraid of sex.
_____ I have little interest in being sexual.
_____ I am afraid of some sexual body parts.
_____ I am preoccupied with sex.
_____ I withdraw from sexual possibilities.
_____ I am bothered by sexual thoughts I cannot control.
_____ When I get horny, I feel extremely anxious.
_____ I feel especially powerful when I am having sex.
_____ I get sexually excited at times I shouldn't be.
_____ I constantly look for sexual opportunities.
_____ I believe that when a person touches me, he or she wants to have sex with me.
_____ I lose all power to protect myself when sexually approached.
_____ I have unhealthy sexual interests and desires.
_____ I often have flashbacks to past abuse during sex.
_____ Unwanted fantasies intrude on my sexual experiences.
_____ I am sexually aroused by the thought of hurtful sex.
_____ I feel panicked when I'm touched.
_____ I feel emotionally distant during sex.
_____ During sex, my mind separates from my body.
_____ I feel like I'm another person when I have sex.
_____ I feel very nervous during sex.
_____ I experience feelings such as anger, fear, shame, guilt, or nausea with sexual touch.
_____ I often get sexually aroused when I don't want to be.
_____ I am very sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, and sensations during sex.

Part 4. Sexual Behavior.
Sexual abuse can shatter our capacity for healthy sex. You may have been taught abusive patterns of sexual bahavior and introduced to unhealthy, compulsive, and abnormal sexual activities. Now you may associate your sexual expression with secrecy and shame. One survivor may withdraw from sex, preventing any fresh discoveries of healthy sex. Others may become preoccupied and driven by sex. Sometimes, we can reenact the abuse in an unconscious attempt to resolve deep-seated emotional conflict related to the original abuse. These reactions need to be identified.

_____ I isolate myself from others socially.
_____I am unable to initiate sex.
_____ I avoid situations that can lead to sex.
_____ I am unable to say no to sex.
_____ I feel I have no physical boundries when it comes to sex.
_____ I need to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol to enjoy sex.
_____ I spend money to have sex.
_____ I feel confused about how and when to be sexual.
_____ I engage in medically risky behavior to have sex.
_____ I engage in sex for economic gain.
_____ I have had more sexual partners than is good for me to have had.
_____ I act out sexually in ways hurtful to others.
_____ I manipulate others into having sex with me.
_____ I engage in sadomasochistic sex.
_____ I have more than one sexual partner at a time.
_____ I become involved with partners who are more primarily involved with some one else.
_____ I use sexual fantasies of abuse to increase sexual arousal.
_____ I feel additively drawn to certain sexual behaviors.
_____ I feel compelled to masturbate frequently.
_____ I engage in secret sexual activities.
_____ I engage in sexual behaviors that can harm me.
_____ I engage in sexual behaviors that could harm others.
_____ I have sex when I really don't want to.
_____ I am confused when it is okay and not okay to touch when dating.
_____ I often rely on abusive porn to turn me on.
_____ I find it hard to say no to unwanted sexual touch.
_____ My sexual behaviors have caused me problems at work, with my health, or at my job.
_____ I use sex to help me feel better when I'm down.


Part 5. Intimate Relationships

Some survivors may have difficulty selecting partners who are emotionally supportive of past abuse. Others may be unable to trust and feel sage with an intimate partner who does. Survivors may fear intimacy or have a limited capacity to experience closeness.

_____ I am drawn to partners who demand sex from me.
_____ I am afraid of being emotionally vulnerable in a relationship.
_____ I am unable to attract the kind of partner that is good for me to have.
_____ I feel obligated to please my partner during sex.
_____ My intimate relationships always fail.
_____ I have difficultaly being intimate and sexual at the same time.
_____ I don't trust that a partner could really be faithful to me.
_____ I hide my feelings in an intimate relationship.
_____ A partner would reject me if they knew about my sexual past.
_____ I have difficulately maintaining sexual contact with a partner.
_____ Our relationship would end if we stopped having sex.
_____ I want but am unable to remain faithful.
_____ My partner is unhappy with our sex life.
_____ My partner reminds me of a sexual offender.
_____ My partner perceives me as sexually abusive.
_____ I want to get away from my partner immediately after sex.
_____ My partner feels rejected by me.
_____ My partner feels pressured by me.
_____ I can't communicate my sexual wants and needs.
_____ I am afraid to become emotionally close with my partner.
_____ I'm afraid to become sexually close with my partner.

Part 6. Sexual Functioning Problems.

Sexual abuse can create problems functioning sexually. Abuse may have taught you unhealthy patterns of responding to sexual stimulation. Stress and anxiety that originated with abuse may continue to shadow your sexual activity. Over time, these problems can impact intimacy and long-term satisfaction. As you identify problems, you can begin identifying how to over come them.

_____ I find it difficult to become aroused.
_____ I have trouble experiencing sexual sensations.
_____ I do not like to touch my genital area.
_____ I have difficulty achieving orgasm when I stimulate myself.
_____ I have difficulty having an orgasm with a partner.
_____ I lack desire for sex.
_____ I am hardly, if ever, interested in sex.
_____ I overcontrol sexual interactions.
_____ My orgasm seems more related to relieving tension then finding pleasure.
_____ My orgasms are not very pleasurable.
_____ Sex is not very pleasurable.
_____ I am limited with the types of sexual activities I feel comfortable in.
_____ I do not like to touch my breasts.
_____ I am unable to be vaginally penetrated.
_____ I experience pain or discomfort when being vaginally penetrated.
_____ I orgasm very fast.

Quoting Dr. J {The Socialist.}:“ Hi guys... We have a group over in FFA, I know I don't post in here a lot. I am reading this new book, ... [snip!] ... be vaginally penetrated. _____ I experience pain or discomfort when being vaginally penetrated. _____ I orgasm very fast.”

I had realized not too long ago that my past abuse had been affecting my sexuality NOW. The abusive relationship ended 6 years ago. I have been with my SO for 5 years, and in the beginning I was overly sexual. Since our daughter, and since reopening old wounds in counseling I have shut down sexually. Its hard to admit, but a huge step for me. I didnt realize how bad it messed me up until my counselor had me rehash it.Thanks for this. I think it can help other mommas realize their trauma.

I don't know... I posted my story in another thread and felt stupid after. Not really sure why. I guess I'm at the point where I can talk and talk about my abuse. I think it is my way of coping and dealing with it. There is so much smurf I'm confused about, angry about, etc. I used to be the type of person to bottle stuff inside and then I would explode and when I would explode, it would be BAD. I can't do that anymore though. I can't be quiet in my own sadness. It isn't fair.

It's really not fair. It's not fair to you, your relationships, or your family.

Talking about it is what can help us all get better.  

You're not alone!

i'm the queen of emotional detachment, distraction, lack of pleasure and just feeling like sex is a duty. i don't know any different though. crazy how i could tick in a bunch of those boxes  
but it always feels good to know that we're not alone.

Quoting Dr. J {The Socialist.}:“ It's really not fair. It's not fair to you, your relationships, or your family. Talking about it is what can help us all get better.   You're not alone!”

Thank you for the kind words. Thank you as well for posting the inventory. I'll just say I checked a lot of those boxes... It is kind of jarring to see that in front of your face, but helpful.

When I was 16 I was raped but for years I never believed it was rape. I didn't have a word for it. I knew it was forced, I knew i didn't want it...but because he never actually used his penis I was told over and over by many people that I hadn't been raped. You see my attacker used the handle of some kind of tool. I don't know what it was. It took ages for me to tell anyone and once i did they simply told me 'you weren't raped' and for a while i believed them. i was 16 so what did i know? right? I was walking home from a friend's house when he grabbed me and pushed me against a wall and held a knife to my throat. I tried to struggle but froze, i tried to scream but no sound came out. Then he did it, with this handle thing. Afterwards i ran home and cried in bed. I convinced myself that i must be bad. i must be dirty because i hadn't struggled or screamed so i must've wanted it. i convinced myself i was a dirty whore who deserved it. 3 months later i told my mum and dad. they cried with me and i thought everything was going to be ok becasue they were adults and they sorted my problems. of course my parents were overwhelmed by what i had told them and chose to pretend they had never found out. they said rape is only with a penis so i was to move on. I spent the next 3 years convinced i was a whore and that my body wasn't mine anymore and i'm ashamed to say i became quite promiscuous for this time. then finally one day when i was 19 i started dating a guy who really cared about me and as i threw myself at him and tried to have sex with him he stopped me and made me see that sex isn't what he wanted, isn't all i was good for. he made me see that i was better than this. We dated for a year but are still good friends now. he helped me to realise that just because my attacker didn't use his penis the feeling of violation was stil there, the fear was still there, so in many ways it was still rape. he also helped me realise that even though i hadn't screamed or struggled it didnt mean i wanted it or deserved it. I began to respect myself again. It took a while, and will stay with me forever but now aged 31 I am finally happy with my life. I am engaged to the most loving caring guy, we are expecting our first baby in august. We have a healthy and loving sex life. I've just read this all back and I'm not even sure what it is i'm posting this for. i guess i'm just wanting to share it.

My cousin did it to me when I was a kid(I think he did it to my older sister too) and he told me never to tell anybody,so I never did.

I don´t talk about it

I don't know why I'm writing this now considering I've only told two people in my life. I think the emotions were triggered by a man that tried to slip me a roofie at the bar last Friday. We caught it before I drank it, but the thought of what could have happened brought up some bad memories.
I got married to my boyfriend of 3 years when I turned 18. We had a Christmas wedding and everything was going great. We moved from Cali to Arizona right after to start our lives. I got two jobs, at a restaurant and at Jack in the Box. A few months went by at the husband went back to visit family in Cali for 2 weeks.
There was a guy I worked with at Jack, lets call him Rick. He would always say hi, but he didn't speak much English, he was illegal from Mexico. Rick had a wife and a daughter, but apparently since I was nice to him at work, he convinced himself he was in love with me. I didn't know this. Rick was also a team leader, so he had access to the office, which had my paperwork with my address.
One night while my husband was gone, I decided to relax after work with some wine he had in the house. I only had a glass or two. There was a knock at the door, so I answered it. It was Rick. He asked if he could use my phone in broken English. I told him yes, I would go get it. I had just turned my back to the door when he pushed me from behind. For such a small guy, he was strong. He had a hand over my mouth and kept sushing me, then he pushed me into the bedroom. I was in pj's so it was real easy for him to get them off. I tried to fight at first and then I just went...limp. I don't remember much until he left. I remember hearing the door close and my first reaction was to put my hand between my legs. Of course he came in me. I felt dirty, numb....so I took off my shirt then got into the shower. I sat in there for over an hour, just sitting on the floor letting the hot water hit me. When I finally got out I almost collapsed at the pain in my lower right abdomen. I put on new pj's and crawled into bed. The pain kept getting worse. I tried sitting, standing, and two more hot showers. It finally got to the point I couldn't walk or breath through the pain. I called my mom, a nurse, and asked her what I should do. I didn't tell her what happened. I called my husband and an EMT friend also, but I told everyone the pain had just randomly started. Finally my EMT friend said if I didn't call an ambulance then he would call one himself. I finally called 911 and an ambulance came. They put me on a stretcher and into the van, I remember there being deer on the freeway so we had to drive slow. The two days in the hospital after that were a blur. I never reported the attack so they never did a vaginal exam. They did a CT scan and couldn't see much, but diagnosed me with a ruptured cyst on my ovary. I still wonder if they were right.
My husband drove back to AZ the next day and picked me up from the hospital when I got out. I took a day off work, then everything went back to normal. I quit Jack and just worked one job for a while.
But something had changed in me. My husband was working a lot, as was I, so we never saw eachother. When we did, we didn't interact much. For some reason, and looking back I still dont know why, I found comfort in one of my coworkers. He was an illegal Mexican that hardly spoke English. I learned some Spanish to talk to him, and we became close friends. After working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day with him, it became more. I cheated on my husband with the guy, we'll call him Juan. It continued for a month, my husband never noticed, and I didn't feel bad about it. Then Juan left to go back to Mexico, promising he'd come back the next Spring. I never saw him again.
It broke my heart and I finally started acting resentful to my husband. I broke up with him Halloween night. He kept asking for reasons why, and all I could tell him was that I was just to young to be married, and I only loved him like a friend.
He moved back to Cali, and I met a new guy, call him Randy. Randy...was pure sex. We had sex anytime and any where. Then one night, after sex in the shower, Randy crashed in my bed and I went to the living room to turn off the lights. To my surprise, Rick was sitting on my couch smurf faced drunk. He started going on about how he loved me and wanted me to move away with him. I woke up Randy and he kicked him out of my apartment. I remember shaking so bad.
Randy and I broke up and the months passed. I had a few flings but mostly I worked. I ended up switching jobs a few times due to Rick. He would show up at the restaurants and drink and watch me. He kept finding me. One night I stayed at a friends house while my sister stayed at my place. Rick showed up drunk, banging on the door at 1am. He kept yelling my name she said. She ended up calling the cops to get him away. After that he showed up at my door every night at 11pm exactly for a week. And he would knock for half an hour.
I met my current SO at my last job in that town. We started dating and pretty quickly he asked me to move to OK with him. I didn't know then that I was already pregnant but I agreed.
After two years and moving from OK to Cali to have the baby, we are now back in AZ. Different city, but we still go to our old town to visit friends. I've seen Rick once since I moved back, and I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't breath. I still don't know why I have that reaction. I accepted what happened a long time ago.
Before the baby was born, I went to my husband to tell him the reason I broke up with him. I admitted I cheated. It took me another six months after that to tell him about my attack that really put me in the hospital. He said then that everything made sense to him.
Unbelievably, my now ex-husband and my fiance are friends. In fact (cue Jerry Springer) we all live together. Well, the ex is renting a room from our house. And he babysits for us sometimes. Everyone else calls us crazy, but nobody understands the friendship my ex and I have. My fiance has complete trust in me, he is the only other person that I told everything to.

So yeah...sorry it was so long. I guess I just needed to get it all out somewhere. I never reported the attack. I remember using the excuse at the time that I had been drinking underage so I would get in trouble. Then I told myself I had showered too many times, there was no proof. Then time passed and I told myself to forget it and move on. And I tried to. It was easier once I tied up the lose ends, like telling my ex husband everything. But I had a dream about him the other night, after the bar incident. And Rick has been stuck in my head all week. So I'm glad I could tell someone.